“I get a lot back from the people I meet. They give me more than I’m sure I give them. I love meeting strangers, learning about what’s beyond first glance. Discovering everyone has a hidden story, a reason for their behavior.” He’s so thoughtful and earnest that he only enchants me more. “Sometimes simply getting someone to share frees them, maybe makes them examine who they are and change. I’m just planting seeds most of the time, offering opportunities. What’s so special is watching people learn about themselves. I try to help out when I can. And do you know how many times I’ve been completely blown away by the kindness of others? The willingness of people to share or give or help out? I know tons of people out there suck, I do. But mostly, Allison, people are good. They really are. And I am lucky enough to get to witness so much of that good.”
“You get a lot of attention for what you do. That can’t feel shitty,” I say, a bit challengingly.
His eyes sparkle a bit, and the half smile he delivers is too adorable for words. “Well, sure. To some degree. But my posts are not really about me. I actually try to avoid being in most, but there are invariably ones that I’m a part of. As you know.” He slips in a quick wink before continuing. “Usually, though, I try to keep the focus on other people.” He stops, and, just for a second, I see the nervousness he’d mentioned earlier. “I do not, however, go out to coffee with them. You’re the first.”
I look out the café window and watch a mother and daughter walk past. I feel a twinge of pain. I will never have a mother, and I’m lost in this dismay for a few minutes before I can return to Esben. As I’m coming to learn, he seems fine with me doing that. “Maybe you feel obligated to go out for coffee with me because of the kiss. Because your followers are all worked up about it.”
“Allison,” Esben says firmly. “Look at me.”
So I do.
“I don’t feel an obligation to do anything. I never do. It’s not how I operate. I’m here because I want to be.I’mthe one who didn’t want that kiss to stop, soI’mthe one wondering if you feel an obligation to be here. Maybe you’re just making peace with what went down. Finding closure.”
Intently, I look at him, falling into an already familiar sense of safety and wonder in those beautiful eyes. I think hard; Ifeelhard. I inhale and exhale, probably too loudly, probably too noticeably, but Esben does not flinch.
It takes another few deep breaths before I respond with deliberate and heartfelt words, and, with great intention, I open myself up to him. “I don’t want closure. I don’t want this to be done. Not with you.”
Esben moves to sit a bit closer and lowers his hand from the back of the couch, lightly grazing my shoulder with his fingers. “I like hearing that.”
“But I’m very fragile. And I don’t know how to do this. Whatever this is.”
“I know you’re fragile. I get that.” His touch lingers against me. “You’re also tougher than you think. You’re fighting right now, and fighters aren’t weak. But you don’t have to fight alone.”
This is a hard idea to accept. “Why are you doing this? Why...why me? You have thousands of girls following you and adoring you, online and here at college, so I don’t understand why you’re here with me and being all awesome and cute and getting me to ramble and tell my life story when I could never do that with anyone else.”
Now his hand rests solidly on my shoulder. “If you’re asking me for a list of reasons, I can give you that. You’re beautiful and sweet and feisty. You’re intriguing and funny and quirky. You are a powerful force, and one I find myself remarkably drawn to. Not to mention, by the way, that you’re the best damn kisser ever. Like, ever. But the simple truth is that...” Esben squirms in his seat in what I see as needless insecurity. “Can’t I just like you without explanation? Just because I do?”
I’m dumbfounded. I let what he’s said—what he apparently feels—sink in. He’s handed me a certain freedom, which makes me feel so shockingly happy that I allow myself to give a truly flirtatious look. “So, the kiss was that good for you?”
Esben moves his hand beneath my hair, gently rubbing the nape of my neck. He speaks slowly. “The kiss wasthat goodfor me. No question.”
“Well,” I say as I reach for my coffee, “that’s somethingIlike hearing. And it definitely makes skipping my second class today worth it.”
“I’ll take it, very happily.” Esben takes his mug and clinks it against mine.
When we leave, we walk to the car with our shoulders touching. He blasts music in the car, because we have spoken enough words for today, and we are both overtaken with a euphoria that leaves no room for anything else. After he parks, I go to the back passenger door to retrieve my bag. On the floor of the car, a paper bag has spilled open.
At least a hundred motivational buttons cover the floor.
A measure of exhilaration and wonder surges through me that I hope never leaves.
CHAPTER 14
WANTED
That night, I try to FaceTime Steffi, because I want her to see how flushed and idiotically glowy I am, but she doesn’t pick up. Instead, she phones me right back. “Sorry. I look gnarly and am not subjecting you to my greasy hair and the bags under my eyes. It’s as though I just flew back and forth across the country within a few days. Oh, wait. I did!”
“Then I am very grateful for your discretion.” I throw the phone on speaker and check myself in the mirror while we talk. While I don’t usually spend a lot of time examining myself, today is different. Today, I want to see myself happy. “How are you, eye bags and all aside? What do you have going on this week? Oh, and you never did tell me anything about that internship—”
“Ugh, that’s boring. Who cares? I need to hear what’s up withyou. You’re the one with the dramatically fun life.” She does indeed sound exhausted, but I know she’s trying to perk up for me.
“Um ... will you walk me through how to curl my hair the way you did the other night? The night I went to Esben’s room.”
There’s silence for a moment. Then I can hear the satisfaction in her voice as she understands what I’m really telling her. “You werebrave, weren’t you? Esben liked your hair, and then you were brave! You took a chance, and it paid off.”
She begins hurling questions at me, and, because she insists, I walk her through my day, leaving out nothing. By the time we hang up, Steffi knows enough details that even she has run out of things to ask.
Then on Tuesday night, I am in the midst of studying when there is a knock on my door. “Hey, you. Can I come in?”
