Esben holds out the water bottle. “You might want to have some of this.”
Oh God. “Sorry. I know I’m a little drunk. Or a lot. Either way.” But I take the bottle from his hand and drink. I rub my lips together and watch him watch me.
“Your hair...it looks very pretty like that. The curls.”
“Steffi did it.”
“Is Steffi your roommate?”
“No, she’s my friend from California who apparently flew in to badger me because I wouldn’t talk to her about you.”
“I see.” Esben shuts his eyes for a second. “Again, I’m really sorry if all this has upset you. Some of my projects ask a lot of the participant. You have to be open and...willing to give of yourself. Sometimes people aren’t quite ready, or they’re surprised by what happens, but it’s usually in a good way.” He pauses. “Even if they’re resistant at the start, sometimes it’s their transition that is worth it.”
“Like with me?”
“Like with us,” he corrects me. Esben gets up and paces as much as he can in the small space his room allows. “Why did you sign the waiver?”
The condensation on the water bottle is wetting my hand, but the cool feels nice. “I wasn’t paying attention. I’d been in a...mood. I didn’t know what I was doing.” I hiccup again. “Walls...you said something about people with walls. That’s me.”
“You don’t like that you let those walls down.”
“No.”
He sits again. “Why not?”
“There’s no way you would understand. You like people. That’s obvious. You’re curious. You want to investigate them, delve into layers of humanity and crap, right?”
“I suppose that’s a good way to look at it.” Esben suppresses a smile as he spins his chair and retrieves the mac and cheese and a plastic spoon, then trades them out for my water.
“I’m not like that. I don’t much care for people because they kinda suck.” This microwave meal is the best thing I’ve ever eaten. I point my spoon at him in between bites. “They are unreliable, selfish, and they lie all the time.”
“That’s a rather negative perspective.”
“Nowyou’re feeling me!” I say happily. “So I don’t get what you do. At all. Like, I can’t even watch this eye-contact thing you did.Wedid.”
“Wait a second. You haven’t even seen the video?”
“Just bits and pieces.” I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
“Okay. How about this? You watch it and see what you think. Then I’ll take it down if you want. Say the word. But, Allison? At least watch it.”
“Fine. Fire ’er up!” I get up and drunkenly wave him out of his seat. He kindly accommodates my gin-laden attitude, but I do notice a well-deserved eye roll.
“Oh awesome. A giant desktop screen so everything will be huge and even more traumatizing!” I shout.
“It won’t be traumatizing.” Esben is laughing as he leans over my shoulder and moves the mouse. I am profoundly aware of his proximity, and I don’t know what to make of the fact that there’s an unpreventable flutter in my chest. “So, is Steffi a friend from home?” he asks.
“I told you. She lives in California. Los Angeles.”
“Is that where you’re from?”
“Massachusetts,” I mutter as the video pops up. “Foster care.”
Esben pauses the video before it even starts. “Yeah? Wow. For how long?” His question is not dripping with fake compassion or asked because he wants grisly details. He is just curious.
The screen in front of me is frozen on the intro image, and I let it get blurry as I stare too long at it. “Foster care? I was there forever. Well, until I was a junior in high school. Steffi, too. She was sick when she was little, and that probably scared off potential parents. I wasn’t sick, but nobody wanted me either. I guess we were duds. Anyway, we lived together for a bit. She saved me. As much as I can be saved.” I state the truth as easily as I breathe. “My birth mother dropped me off at a hospital in Boston, and that’s all I know about her. Maybe she was young or broke. Or a criminal. Maybe the mistress of a senator who had a secret love child? That’d be kinda cool, huh?”
“It would certainly add some scandal to your story, I guess,” he answers with amusement.
