IT’S DARK AND PROFOUNDLY LONELY. All the good feelings that I had…are gone. If I could scream, I would. But I can’t speak or hear anything. While moving feels possible, it’s difficult, and I can’t get my feet on anything solid. I’m drowning, yet I can breathe.
Wait, I’m not breathing.
There’s no need for me to inhale and exhale because I don’t need air. All I can see is deep gray, like a dense fog but only thicker, that suspends me. It’s like floating in blood maybe.
Blood. God, feeling my blood run down my skin was so good.
It shouldn’t have been. It should have been terrifying and painful. It was the opposite.
Slowly, I’m able to get my hand to my neck to feel that there is no gaping wound. Part of me is waiting to die fully because none of this can be possible, and part of me is crumbling under the weight of waiting for Sam. Thinking comes with difficulty, and there’s no way for me to tell how far I am from the surface or even which way is up or down.
But it’s Costa who crashes through the viscous substance we are in, and his shoulder slams into mine. Before I can panic, I am blinded by brightness overtaking my vision, flashes of electric color dancing in front of me. Soon though, they settle, falling like diamond dust, and the darkness is back. I reach out, willing to grab on to even Costa. Cognitively, I know I have vile hatred for him, but I can’t feel that now. I’ll do anything to eradicate the nauseating loneliness threatening to sink me deeper into the fog. Finding him feels hopeless because I can’t see or move, but nonetheless, I do what I can to feel around me.
Sam will never find me in this gel. How could he? But I remind myself that he’s done this so much more. He’s more skilled, and he has experience that I can’t begin to imagine. I’m on trip one. He’s on trip infinity.
I don’t know if I’m moving a few inches or covering great distance, but I don’t stop trying to kick and claw my way through this underworld.
My sense of time is violently fouled up. I might have been here for hours, days even.
Out of nowhere, my heart begins to ache for my mother, and I am tortured by wanting her to save me from this increasingly frightening experience. She’s the last person in the world I should need. She would tell me that I’m weak and not worth surfacing, so I shake off my heartache.
And next, it’s Amy who creeps into my being, and I can almost hear her voice. She’s singing, and then she’s laughing. It’s her old laugh, the one that was musical and uplifting, not the devastating, piercing sound she made the last time I heard it. I don’t understand why I’m hearing her.
Before I can question that further, my father’s presence intrudes. My conflicted feelings for him trigger a searing blunt headache. The pain makes me cry out, but there’s no sound. No one will hear me.
Except one person. Through my hurt and disorientation, I’m able to remember Sam.
Find me. I’m here. Please find me, and get me up. Sam, Sam…
My thoughts call his name over and over. Concentrating on him is the only thing that gives me some hope that this will end.
Costa floats near me, and I flail trying to grab his hand. His eyes are open, but he isn’t moving or responding in any way. My fingertips brush his, and my body convulses among waves of light again. He spasms as much as I do, and then he’s gone.
Hurry. Please hurry. I’m so alone.
Just as my desperation begins to be unbearable, I feel Sam’s arm around my waist. Relief floods me, and I try to get my own arms around him, but it’s an arduous process that takes every ounce of energy I have. His hold though is strong, and when he sharply turns me, I realize that I’ve been upside down. He evenly moves us through the density, swimming us toward what must be the surface.
Just when I begin to see lightness, when the murky gray becomes sheer and I can get a sense of distance, we pound into some kind of ceiling, and we hit this boundary hard. Or rather,Ihit it. Sam’s hand goes through it and disappears, and his face contorts as he fights to bring it back under. His shock and fear is too strong for him to hide, but he lowers us back and tries again and then again. It’s no use. Each time, I’m stopped.
What’s happening? God, why can’t you surface me?
Finally, he looks at me, and his expression scares the shit out of me. He doesn’t know. Sam takes his arm from around my body and holds up his hands, telling me to stay.
Don’t leave me. Don’t! Don’t!
Sam takes my face in his hands and kisses me, but then he abruptly pulls away. He throws his hands over his ears and releases a silent scream. I’m too scared to touch him, and there’s nothing I can do but wait until whatever is happening subsides. When he’s recovered, he holds his hands up again. This time, I nod.
I’ll stay. You’re going to come back. Very soon.
Sam blows me a kiss and disappears into the dark.
Because I must survive this, I accept that time has no clarity. My inclination is to do what I normally do when my mind can’t take what is happening. Slipping into my old state of near unconsciousness would let me avoid terror, but even now, I refuse to let that happen. I won’t go back to that place—not unless I have to, not unless I am trapped here forever.
Later—maybe much later, maybe only a few seconds—Sam returns, and he’s dragging Costa with an arm under his chin. When they’re close, Sam starts to shake him, but Costa remains glassy-eyed and drugged. Sam grabs my arm and pulls me to them, setting my hand on Costa. We both have our touch on Costa, who slowly starts to rouse.
Maybe Sam thinks that it will take two death trippers to surface a power augmenter. I can only hope. It’s with that thought that I feel a bit stronger, only I’m still barely able to move.
Then, Sam lightly rests his hand on me, and the substance I’m in becomes manageable. I can move a bit more now, so I grab on to Costa’s shoulders and do what I can to make him alert. I lift both feet, kicking him in the chest, until he at last focuses on me. Sam slugs him across the jaw, and I know that’s not just to ensure that Costa is conscious. It’s obvious that Costa is confused, but when Sam points up and to me, Costa nods groggily. Reluctantly, Sam pushes me into Costa’s arms, and the three of us head toward the ceiling. Just before we hit the light, Sam takes his touch from me, and my world goes dark again.
