“When I had come home that winter, I had gone to the cabin with Costa and Toby. They were family, you know? I’d just wanted to help Costa, to be there and get him to slow down.” Sam strokes my hair for a few minutes. “Of course, the opposite had happened, and being around Costa had reminded me of how good it was. I’d wanted the surge, that intensity.
“I was supposed to be watching Toby…the details don’t matter. You know what happened. I’d fucked up. After Toby had gone through the ice, we’d tripped over and over, trying to find him, so we could, in turn, trip him, but the kid was gone. Stella, he was just gone. He wasn’t anywhere under, and we’d looked. It was why we’d kept tripping and surfacing—thinking that if we died again, maybe we’d somehow enter into the right location and be able to get to him. Toby was nowhere. I swear to God, we had done everything we could.” He sniffs and wipes his eyes.
“I don’t think kids can be tripped. Toby is dead, truly dead. Costa was devastated. Obviously. Absolutely wrecked. But even then, even in his grief, he loved me. I don’t know why, but after what happened, he didn’t hate me. He could have.”
“And you had to tell a story that the rest of the world would believe, one that could be real. So, you left out the death tripping.”
“Yeah.”
“I understand.”
“You can’tpossiblyunderstand.Idon’t understand. I’ve been in this long enough now that it should make more sense, but as I’m telling you this, I realize how insane it sounds.”
“The addiction piece. My sister, Amy, has been hooked on…well, I don’t know exactly what, but she’s been using for ages. Coke, I’m sure. Pills. Definitely too much booze. I know what it can do and how it can control you.”
“Toby died. Amy almost died. Death isn’t a joke. But here, Costa and I were acting like death meant nothing. Because it didn’t to us. Until it did.”
“How were you supposed to know how to handle this? It was an impossible thing to deal with.”
“Toby is dead. That’s all that matters. Tragedy. That’s the only outcome from death tripping, and it’s why I haven’t willingly tripped since. And I wasn’t planning on doing it again. But then Costa showed up yesterday.”
“Bishop, why is he back? Why did he do this to you? Why did he bring you back into this…this addiction? Especially after Toby…”
Sam rubs his eyes again. “I have no fucking idea. He must have been watching us though because he knew who you were.”
The times when I felt as if someone was nearby but out of my eyesight—now, it makes sense. I push back Sam’s hair to examine him. “You are really here. I believe that now.” I kiss him, keeping my hands knotted in his hair and pulling him closer, until I am dizzy with his taste. “Why didn’t you come back right away? When you surfaced?”
“God, I’m so sorry. I was under for a long time because I hadn’t tripped in a while, and it got me pretty drugged. I wanted to surface back here, but it’s just…I told you how I’m all kinds of id-driven when I surface? It’s primal needs, urges.” He looks intently at me. “I made myself surface eight or nine miles from here, so I could walk it off. There was no way that I could come back to you in the state I was in. I don’t know what I would have been like with you, and letting you think I was dead for real was better than what I might have done.”
I force a smile. “Eaten all the food in my apartment?”
He shakes his head.
I bite my lip. “I didn’t think so. And I don’t think you would have surfaced and wanted to fight me.”
“Exactly. I would have been…” He clears his throat. “Very sexually aggressive. I wouldn’t have hurt you, you know. Or…or God, I’d never force myself on you, even when I’m like that. But I wouldn’t have been myself. With your history and with us just getting together and…Stella, I would never do that to you or ask you to give up part of yourself to be with me, to give me what I want just because I’m in a surge state. I wouldn’t have been able to explain.”
He probably did the right thing by waiting. If Sam had returned as anything but the calm, even person he’s been today, he might not have been able to break through my own disorientated state.
But I ask, “Are you still in that place? With those…urges?”
“No. I’m okay now.”
My hips slide, and I crawl up his chest until I am straddling him. Sam is the most gorgeous, desirable creature I could fathom. My connection to him is stronger than ever. Losing him and getting him back have solidified how much he means to me.
“Are you sure? No residual needs hanging around?”
Sam puts his hands on my waist. “I could get there. Easily.”
“Good.” I move against him. “Because you scared the absolute fucking hell out of me, Bishop. The only things I care about right now are that I am not delusional and that you are alive and here with me. That’s enough for today.” I can only process so much right now. The rest will have to wait.
“I’ll get it if you want to run from me. This is messy and scary and massively dysfunctional. Anyone would want to escape the shit you just saw. You’ve gone through too much.”
“Death tripping is not for the meek, is it?” I lean into his body to soak up his warmth and his heartbeat.
“No, it’s not.”
“I don’t understand how you and Costa can hurt yourself like that.”
