“Yeah. Of course.”
“Stop by if you want. I’m going to be painting one of the guest rooms. My parents have a ton of furniture and stuff stored there, all different kinds of styles. Come pick out whatever you like, and I’ll bring everything home in my truck.”
“Really? That would be great. Thank you.” I shiver as he strokes a hand up and down my arm. “And, uh…do you know where I can get my hair…fixed?”
“It doesn’t need fixing. But my sister, Kelly, has a little salon in town on East Street. Tell her I sent you.” When we’re at my front door, he stops after he opens it. “Stella? I’m sorry things were so bad that you had to leave home. You’ve been through a lot.”
I don’t tell him that my mother’s voice haunts me at every turn or that Amy’s frightening drug-induced laughter keeps me awake at night or that my father’s absence still hurts as much today as it did when he first left. Instead, I lift up on my toes and kiss him, very slowly, until I run out of breath, and my heels drop back to the floor.
“Wait here for a minute?” From the bag of clothing that I’ve discarded, I retrieve a shirt and bring it out to him. “Don’t laugh, but I need you to tell me something.” The fabric twists in my hands while I work up the stupid amount of courage it takes to ask him this. “What color is this? I need you to tell me. I need to hear it from you.”
He doesn’t laugh or act as though I’m completely crazy. Sam can tell that I’m not joking. “It’s green, Stella.”
I want to weep. I was right. Itisgreen. “My mother insisted this shirt is purple. She spent her entire life trying to trick me and make me doubt myself so that I couldn’t trust anything. Most of all, myself. This shirt thing was minor really. But who does that, right? She wasn’t being funny or playing around. My mother…” I take a big breath. “My mother stripped me of being anything but a pawn in her game. But this shirt is green. And I am going to find myself.”
“Stella…oh God.”
Sam puts a hand on my face, and I lean into his palm just as I did in the hospital stairwell. Again, I am comforted and grounded.
He kisses my forehead. “I’m so sorry. I get why you left. You are very brave, and you deserve to find yourself.”
“You deserve that, too, Sam. I don’t know why, but you’re so sad, aren’t you?”
“Sometimes.” The little smile he gives me breaks my heart. “But not today.” He turns to leave and then stops and faces me again. “Oh, and Stella…I do remember that day at the hospital with you. Of course I do. And I remember the kiss. It was windy and freezing out. The lights barely cut through the snow, but I could still see you. I think I would have seen you anywhere. You ran to me,rightinto my arms, as if you’d done it a thousand times. I hadn’t kissed a lot of girls, and I didn’t really know what I was doing, but you made it easy. It felt crazy and unexplainable and perfect. Even though I was only sixteen, I knew enough to understand that it was one of the most important and most powerful moments I would ever have.”
He pauses for a moment, and I can barely breathe.
“You were not just some unhappy beautiful girl in a stairwell. You were more. Youaremore.”
Thunder roars, and lightning cracks sharply. Sam disappears into the dark, but what he’s given me tonight stays firmly in my soul.
I hear him do his two-foot hop down each step.
He’s right. Today is definitely not a day to be sad.
