“You ready to die with me, sister?”
I smile at her. “I’m ready to die with all of you. Sam?”
His nerves are hidden well, but I know this is difficult for him. “I’m going to move an arm in front of you, okay?”
“Okay.” I watch his hand caress the water as he swoops it across the surface.
“Costa and Amy? Go under together. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Costa takes Amy’s hand. “Stella? Thank you. And, Sam…” He falters.
“I know, I know.” Sam wavers but holds it together. “I’ll see you soon.”
Amy and Costa sink under the water, and my heartbeat picks up.
It’s time.
“The fastest way is for me to block your mouth and nose and hold you under. I might need to use two hands though, but I promise that you’ll go first.” He’s trying very hard to sound logical, but I hear the hurt in what he’s saying.
“Okay. I’m all right.”
“Apologies in advance for what I’m going to do.”
“I forgive you in advance.”
“Here we go.”
Sam uses one hand to pinch my nose and cover my mouth, and he puts the other on my shoulder and pushes down until I’m underwater. I keep my eyes closed. For a time, I just hold my breath and try to relax into it. But soon, I feel the desperate need to breathe. He was right. I’m not actively dying. I’m struggling against it.
Drowning is, ironically, about living.
I try not to push against him, but I can’t help it. I want oxygen more than anything, and I grab at the hand he has over my mouth. Immediately, he clamps down on my other shoulder and wraps his legs around me to weigh me down. I hate him right now because I’m suffocating under water, and my lungs are burning. I keep grabbing at his legs, trying to get him off me, and I’m in a full panic.
But then, my brain centers me. This is for Toby. My approach going under matters, and battling against death is the wrong way in. I can stop fighting this, and I can just sink into it. The only way to find this little boy is to just let my death happen.
My palm goes to Sam’s hand on my shoulder, and I give it a quick rub to let him know that my fight is over. It doesn’t take long. There is dizziness…then bordering on unconsciousness…
Then, finally, there is my death.
I barrel into the dark under, and Amy catches me by the shirt before I drift past her and Costa. It’s only seconds later that Sam crashes in. Amy pushes me hard so that I get through the heavy gel and reach him.
He takes my hand. Even under here, I can see how traumatized he is by what he had to do. I touch his face and look into his eyes, trying to convey that I’m not suffering, that I got through it. He kisses my hand, and under here, the sensation is so magnified that I am filled with more of his love than I thought possible. My smile must convince him because he smiles back.
Now, he begins his scan. Amy and Costa are holding hands still, trying to magnify their lure as a homing beacon. I let Sam pull me through the viscous fluid as he searches. This trip, I don’t question time or even acknowledge it. All I need to do is ride and do what I can to power up Sam’s ability to see through the dark. Allowing myself to surrender here makes the experience better for me, and I’m noticeably less unsettled. So, I let time go on, occasionally closing my eyes when the blurry rush of light and dark tones makes me too dizzy. The familiar cold ache begins to develop in my bones, and I will not forgive myself if I pass out again and destroy Sam’s ability to see.
I catch sight of Costa and Amy, who are trying to stay as close to Sam as possible, but he’s faster today than he has been. When he brakes short though, they slam into us.
I look up. Sam is on high alert. His focus darts from one location to another until he appears to hone in on one spot. Without shifting his eyes, he reaches and moves my hand from his so that I’m touching Costa’s body. He presses down, I think reminding me to stay here.
Oh, wait. I understand.He wants me to…topowerCosta’s and Amy’s presence somehow. I don’t know if I can. Costa did react strongly to me the first time that I tripped though, so maybe I can use my connection with him to do so.
I hold tight to Costa and concentrate on him—as a father, as someone who adores Toby, and as a parent who has suffered so much because of his loss. He is home. He is the only home Toby should go to…
Sam swims us through more territory for what feels to be hours. I’m hurting, and just before I feel my body screaming to shut down because the freeze in my bones is too much, he motions for us to stay still. He cocks his head and gives a wry smile. He covers his eyes for a moment and then opens his hands and covers them again.
What is he—
Oh my God.
