We go through the glass door to the living room and leave Costa.
I put myself in Sam’s arms. “This is my fault, isn’t it? Something happened to me down there, and I couldn’t hang on. Did you surface because of me? Maybe you could have kept going. Toby might be there. If you had more time—”
“No.” Sam is firm. “No. I took us everywhere I could see, and he wasn’t there. No sign of him at all, Stella. It’s like a fucking maze there. No way to tell where you are really. No landmarks. Just space.”
“But you surfaced us back here, so that means you know how to find some things.”
“This is home. It’s like a beacon. Same with the house in Watermark.” I know by his flat tone that he’s numb, in the same shock that I am that we failed. “It can be harder to find other locations sometimes, but you almost always know how to go home.” Sam puts his face against my shoulder and wets my shirt with his tears.
“Sam…”
Costa is pacing outside. Something more is going on, something more than him just needing to be alone.
“Sam,” I say more loudly.
“Yeah?”
Costa sees me looking at him, and he meets my eyes. There is apology and desperation in them.
“No,” I whisper. “Costa, no!”
In slow motion, he moves like a panther, stealthy and silent, for the few yards it takes to reach the table by the grill.
“No!” I scream as I start running.
Sam follows me outside, but Costa has doused himself in lighter fluid before either of us can reach him, and there’s a stick lighter in his hand. I make a move toward him, but Sam grabs me by my shirt and pulls me back. He knows we can’t stop Costa from doing what he wants. He’s too fast. Just a flick of that lighter is all it will take.
“No. Costa, no!” I do what I can to control my tone so that I don’t sound as terrified as I feel.
“I’ll just keep tripping,” he says simply. “It’s the only way to stay out of this world. I’ll death-trip forever and never come out of it. I can’t live like this. It’snotliving, so I’ll just keep dying.”
“I’m begging you not to do this,” Sam says tearfully. “Please don’t. It’s not the answer. Stay with us.”
“It’s the only answer.” There’s a fraction of a pause. “Shitting rainbows, right, Stella?” Costa clicks the lighter and touches it to his shirt. Immediately, he ignites in a roar of fire.
Sam grabs me and hides me against his body. His hands move to my ears so that I won’t hear the crackling of the flames or the yowl of defeat that Costa releases.
But I can still smell the burning flesh and taste the heartache.
