I don’t want to say what I’m about to, but I must. “And tonight, on the beach, when he was falling apart…I kissed him.”
Chris actually has to suppress a smile. He clears his throat. “And how did that go?”
“Not very well.” Now, I’m kind of embarrassed by all of this.
“About as well as it did the first time when Sabin got drunk on Thanksgiving in college?”
“Pretty much.”
He laughs.
“Aren’t you mad?”
“No, I’m not mad. I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner. I figured you guys would test the waters at some point. Although, I assumed it would be in a less extreme context.”
“You did?”
“Of course. With as close as you are, as physically comfortable as you are together…” He shrugs. “It’s a question you two would need to clear up at some point.”
“I’m sorry. It was a dumb and awful thing to do. Not to mention, it made everything worse.”
“Are you worried that you’re in love with him?” he asks gently.
“No. I mean, maybe…”God, I hate this conversation and this night.“I don’t know what is happening.”
“I think I do.” Chris wipes my cheeks again. Despite the circumstances, he is so peaceful and steady. “So, when you’re with Sabin, do you feel sexually attracted to him? Do you get all tingly and aroused? Do you want to rip his clothes off?”
“What? No! Ew!” I wrinkle my face. “God, Chris, seriously.”
He smiles again. “What,no, andeware not really the reactions of someone who is feeling passionate, romantic love.”
“Well, no,” I agree.
He’s right. While I’ve felt drawn to Sabin, I’ve never been turned on by him. I’ve never fantasized about him or wondered what it’d be like to—just no. I can’t get myself to go there.
“But you have strong feelings for him, right?”
I nod.
“And that’s what’s making you confused. You feel like you should only have intensity with me and no one else, that you’re betraying me.”
“Yes.”
“You’re not betraying me, not at all.”
“I don’t understand how you can say that.”
His expression is so soft, so sweet. “It might be easier for me to understand your relationship because I’m watching from the outside. I get a clarity that maybe you guys don’t. So, I need to talk to both of you about this, and maybe I can help. But, for right now, it’s after four in the morning. You need to get some sleep, and I need to get Sabin into the house and see how bad his burn is.” He pauses. “I don’t want you to see that, and he probably doesn’t either.”
It’s true that I am utterly exhausted in every sense, and I can’t take much more right now. “Okay.”
“After I take care of Sabin, I’ll come to bed, and I will hold you all night long. I am so fucking sorry all of this happened. I didn’t quite see that Sabin was in such bad shape. Or I didn’t want to. I knew he would blow, but I never dreamed it would be this rough on him or on you.”
“You and Sabin need to talk about the past, Chris. With each other. There’s a wall up between all of you, as though you were each in your own bubble. But you and Sabe especially need that wall down. There can’t be secrets. And I understand why you don’t talk about your father with him. It’s because his pain hurts more than your own, and delving into it kills you. I get that. It’s how I feel about you. But it’s the only way.”
I move to the edge of my seat. My lips go to his, and I kiss him with gratitude and devotion and hope.
What surfaces, what I needed reminding of, is that he is what true love tastes like.
