“Jules, look at where we are. Does this look like I did anything other than take?” With a bitter laugh and shake of his head, he answers his own question.
I can’t watch as he torments himself with all the things he thinks he failed at. I won’t sit by and let him think he wasn’t worthy of her love or his place by my side. I couldn’t save him from his father, all those years ago, but I can save him from this.
“Zander, you did save her.”
“Why aren’t you listening?”
“I am. You’re just nothearingme. You. Saved. Her.” Zander shakes his head in annoyance, so I continue, “That night, when you called and asked for help, she came like she promised she would…” I remember watching from the top of the stairs.Mom’s phone ringing. His name. Questions about what was happening. Mom’s desperate pleas for a response. Silence.
“When you didn’t answer her asking what was wrong, she raced through the door. I watched the shadows the headlights cast on the ceiling as she backed out of the drive. And then I waited.” Zander stares at me open-mouthed and wide-eyed. I can see the pieces starting to fall into place, his thoughts so loud they’re difficult to ignore.
“But… you were there. I– I don’t know what…” I think he knows exactly what I’m about to say, his mind just won’t let him accept it as truth until I’ve confirmed it.
“I need you to promise me one thing,” I turn into him now, grabbing both his hands in mine in a desperate attempt to cling on to all that I have left. He looks uneasy, eyes flicking down to where our hands are joined before finding me again. “I need youto tell me you will stay, that what we have is real, and it’s enough for you,” I don’t hide the desperation in my words. I chose him in every colour, every size, and every season, now I need to know that he will choose me too.
“After everything, you really think I’d rather be anywhere but here, with you?” I offer him a small smile, but the uncertainty still gnaws at me from the chest outwards.
“When Mom reached your house, there was no answer. The house was quiet and dark; she said it reminded her of one of those horror movies, y’know, the ones where you’re screaming at the TV begging them to turn around.” Zander bobs his head up and down slowly. His body is rigid, ready to defend himself from the memories. “She let herself in and followed the noises coming from upstairs. She told me how it felt like the walls were screaming for her to leave, the cold edge in the air trying to warn her what was in that room–yourroom. You were the first place her eyes landed. Curled up on your side and barely conscious.” His breath stutters, catching on the emotion swelling in his throat. “She called out to you, begging you to wake up. But you didn’t answer. Your dad laughed from the other side of the room– he was sitting on your bed with a bottle dangling from his fingers.”
“What did you do…”He whispers, eyes glazed over, looking straight through me. It stings a little, knowing that he can erase me from his vision when he’s all I ever see.
“Yeah, she asked him what he had done, but she already knew. When she took a step toward you, he shot up from the bed, Mom said he looked like an alpha protecting his meal. Shebegged him to let her help you, but he wouldn’t move. You were awake, but barely. She said she knew she needed to call for help; it was too much for her to handle alone, but in her haste to get to you, she left her phone at home.” I paused long enough to check him over. He’s listening, but his mind has checked out of the bathroom and taken him back to his childhood home. His body doesn’t react the way it usually does when the nightmares come, though. I’d like to think the knowledge that my Mom is right there in the memory with him is enough to keep the panic at bay.
“I asked him to stop…”
“Yeah, you did. Mom turned to leave, making her way to the landline at the top of the stairs, but he followed.”
“So did I… he– he tried to grab her, I think…” I nod my confirmation, “I begged him to leave her alone, to… to come for me instead, but then he–” The memories flooding back steal his breath as his head shakes from side to side, conflicted between what he thought he knew, and what his brain is allowing him to remember. “He reached his big, dirty hand toward her… I couldn’t let him– I would never let him hurt her…” Tears stream down his cheeks in steady rivulets, flowing endlessly and dripping into the fold of his waist.
“I know, because you didn’t, Zan.”
“I pushed him.”
“Yousavedher.”
That’s when he breaks. He purges himself of everything: anger, injustice, grief, torment… It all comes rushing out in what feels like an endless torrent, his body crumbling under the weight of the truth he desperately sought for so long. I help lower him to his side, watching his body convulse in anguish as the grief takes the driver’s seat. I hope with everything we were and everything we could be, that it steers him toward me. I don’t try to offer my comfort, only my silent presence, even though my body aches to hold onto him.
As his sobs begin to quiet and his mind starts to slow, I can hear the cogs grinding. The pieces eventually slot into place before he lifts himself from the floor. We’re sitting face to face with barely a foot separating us, so why does it feel like he’s so far out of reach? Zander’s face has always spoken a thousand words, and right now, it’s no different. Dread settles low in my stomach, pushing bile up through my chest. He looks completely detached and unfamiliar; it physically hurts to see him look at me with so much distrust, as though he doesn’t recognise the person bleeding out in front of him.
“You knew all this time…”
And there it is.
“How could–whywould you keep that from me?” It’s not the question I was expecting; if anything, I was sure he would ask me why Iwouldn’t.
“Isn’t it obvious? Why do I do anything when it comes to you?”
“I thought I knew…”
“Zan, you do. It’s me, Jules.YourJules,” I shuffle forward, desperately trying to reassure him that I haven’t changed, that I’m still the same boy he traded shoes and Pokémon cardswith. The same person he sought comfort from during the night. The only person destined to be loved by him, and only him.
“No.The Jules I know wouldn’t keep secrets. He wouldn’t watch me break night after night if there was a chance he could fix it…”
“Zan–” He cuts me off as he pushes up from the floor, making his way toward the door. “You promised…” My voice breaks, mirroring the uneven crack splitting my heart in two.
“So did you.” With that, he leaves me behind. He doesn’t take a piece of me with him this time, though.
He takes everything.
