He’s doing everything I asked him to, just like I knew he would; Zander is loving my beautiful boy out loud and for the whole world to see. Their love is the ‘one great romance’ everybody talks about, but only very few get to experience. Call it a mother's intuition, or just stating the obvious, but Jules and Zander have the kind of love that’s too great for just one lifetime. It’s been woven into their fates since they were small boys; some things are just destined to be.
Jules– Oh my sweet, baby boy. I don’t know what this will do to him, and, selfishly, I’m glad I won’t be here to find out. Most women shy away from being called ‘a great Mom’– but not me. I embrace it. How could I not when I can proudly call him my son?
I don’t want to leave them, I want to watch their lives for the rest of mine. I want to be at their housewarming party. I want to be a part of their wedding photos. I want to see them love their future children the way I’ve loved them; endless and without mercy.
And now, that’s all I can do; watch them. I can’t tell them how much I love them or how grateful I am to have felt their love in return. I’m sad, of course I am, but I’m also at peace knowing that they have each other. To be loved by these boys is to have lived a life fulfilled.
Zander is going to hold Jules up; he’s going to see him through, just like Jules does for him. There will come a time when Jules will tell him about the night he finally asked for help. I’ve seen the truth on the tip of his tongue when he’s holding him through a nightmare, or he’s watching him as he rearranges something for the hundredth time. I know he won’t be able to keep it from him forever, that’s not who he is. His kind of love is honest and pure. The only reason he hasn’t said anything so far is that he doesn’t want to implicate me, which won’t be the case for much longer. My death will bring truths, the kind that will either heal or completely obliterate. I just hope they can forgive me for not being around during the cleanup.
My mind is still sharp, but it’s tiring quickly. Breathing is difficult. Holding on– even more so. I’m finding my reasons for clinging on to this life lessening day by day. With every soft smilebetween them, every tender embrace, and every time they reach for the other’s hand, I take a step closer to the end; the reassurance and comfort those moments bring guide my way.
So now, as I lie in my bed, imprisoned by my mind, I take one last look.
Happiness. They finally know it.
Chapter Thirty
Zander
Age 20
I can’t wake him up. I don’t want to be the person he looks at and remembers this moment. It’s the kind of memory that sticks. He will look at me and forever remember the day his Mom just didn’t wake up. The day that his whole world fell from beneath him.
I take a moment to feel my own grief first, because when Jules wakes, I know I’ll feel his tenfold. It’s not overwhelming or debilitating; it’s more like a sudden emptiness swaddled in soft memories and patient love. The tears that fall aren’t for what we no longer have; Theresa wouldn’t have wanted to live that way for a moment longer than she had to. No, my tears are for all that has been taken from our future. They’re for Jules and the unfair way in which death picks its victims. They’re for the boy who finally found his family and his happiness, only to be given a ticking clock, too.
Jules stirs beside me, and I hold my breath. My arms tighten around him instinctively. It's still my job to protect him, even if he’s the one who has been taking on the role more recently.I let the silence settle back in once the sheets stop rustling and his breathing settles back into a light snore. I use my free arm to wipe away my tears, even though the pillow has soaked up most of them, and use the little time I have left to take in the softness of his face. There are no worries, no anguish, just sweet dreams and a kind soul. Theresa made sure of that.
“How long have you been staring at me?” His sleep-lazy voice rasps.
This is it.I wish I could pause time indefinitely. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for what’s to come. Jules rolls in to face me, a small but complacent smile on his lips. “The silence is making this feel creepy.”
“Jules, we need to get up.” I place my hand on his shoulder, stroking up and down the length of his bicep.
“Mm-no, let’s just stay here for a little longer.”I wish we could.
I pull him in and press my lips to his forehead, willing the tears to stay away and summoning the strength I need to carry him through this.
“I wish we could, but it’s time, baby.” Jules’ eyes ping open immediately. I’m not sure if it’s the name, or the desolation in my voice– maybe it’s both. He looks uncertain and scared. Suddenly, he’s five years old again and in desperate need of a hand to hold.
“Zander…?” His voice is weak and pleading;he knows.
“She’s always with you, just try and remember that, okay?” I tighten my grip in his hair and breathe through the emotions washing over me like a tidal wave. I feel his Adam's apple against my chest, trying to swallow the truth, to push it down into thedepths where he doesn’t have to confront the reality that lies peaceful and unmoving behind him.
“I can’t– I can’t move.”
“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
“I need to– I just… don’t make me turn around,” he buries his face into my shoulder, hiding from the painful future waiting patiently behind him.
“I won’t, you’re going to be okay,”
“Nothing is okay, it will never be okay.”
“No, but you will be, I promised you that, remember?” His body jerks in my hold with the force of his grief.
“Does she loo–look peaceful?” He chokes out through bursts of tears.
“Of course, she never knew how to be anything else.” And it’s the truth.
