“Shut the fuck up,” he silences me with his tone alone. I push my back against the counters and rest my head against the drawers, praying that once he sees the pizza for himself, we can stop this whole thing.A fool's dream.
The smell of stale food and grease assaults my airways as he crouches in front of me, dangling a half-chewed slice of pizza just inches from my face.
“We don’t waste food in this house, boy. Until you pay for it, you eat every last bite.”
No. Please…
He presses the cold slice against my cheek, smearing the grease and sauce into my hair, before pulling it back again.
“Dad, please…” It was a stupid mistake. Asking him for mercy never worked before, but opening my mouth only invited him to shove it straight through the gap.
It doesn’t taste like pizza at all. It tastes similar to the smell of week-old garbage. The split teabag I had thrown away earlier adds to the sloppy texture as it rolls around in my mouth. I know the game; he won’t stop until I’ve done as he demands, so against all my natural instincts, I chew.
I think of the homemade stew Theresa makes. Imagining the day-old cheese that’s sticking to my teeth is actually the doughy dumplings that bob along the top. The mirage conjures up Jules pouring lemonade into my waiting glass–What I wouldn’t give to hear him whining about it right now.He always comes to me in moments like these. My mind has made his memory my safe place, like he’s right here with me, holding my hand.
I push myself to swallow when I can. The force in which he's stuffing the pizza against the back of my throat causes me to heave and gasp for air. Tears streak down my face, making my skin a greasy, wet canvas for his viewing pleasure. Despite the fear flooding my body and the feel of his hand holding my mouth open, I managed to shut my mind down; something I've been mastering over the years. Each bite transforms into something familiar and comfortable, whilst Jules' smiling face fills my mind.
Cheese-spread sandwiches and matching pyjamas…
Breakfast buffets and odd shoes…
Popcorn and deep blue eyes…
I gulp down the last bite as dad releases his grip on my face, pushing me away. He stands and exits the kitchen, satisfied that his punishment has been fulfilled, yet enraged at the lack of resistance. The slamming of doors rattles the entire house, and keys jingle in the distance, promising the relief of a few hours of solitude. He’ll go to the local boozer, no doubt. Feeding his rage with cheap cider and heated arguments, before releasing his tension inside the first willing woman. I’ve heard the whispers surrounding his behaviour, they've even made their way into the lunch hall at school on occasion– usually when the ‘lucky lady’ happens to be someone'sverymarried Mother. His destruction isn't limited to the confines of this house; it travels with him like a companion.
My stomach churns with unease and upset, forcing me to drag my body up from the floor and make my way to the sink. The steadywhooshingsound of water streaming fromthe tap fills the kitchen as I stare vacantly at my reflection through the window above. The grease smeared across my skin reflects the growing repulsion within; the lingering shame and disappointment will be harder to cleanse, though. For a moment, I consider purging the spoiled food from my body, expelling it into the sink to rid myself of his victory. But the idea of rebelling against him is enough to stop me. I know he's not here to witness it, but the fear is carved so deep, my own shaky fingers won't obey.
I must have fallen asleep once I had carried my tired body up the stairs and into my room. It’s easy to assume that once the threat is gone and the house falls silent, the fear goes right along with it. If only it were that simple. The silence only gives way to the intrusive thoughts, the ones that fill my mind with whispers of failure and disappointment. Every noise is amplified, each movement is exhausting, and every moment of existence is overwhelming.
Blinking the haze away from the sleep that rescued my tormented mind, I move to sit on the edge of the bed. A loud groaning noise pitches from below my shirt, and the rumble that follows vibrates its way through my core. I instinctively wrap my arms around my middle, trying in vain to keep the contents down until I can reach the bathroom. The scorching burn of bile starts to rise in my throat, my mouth waters, andmy lips tremble. Just when I think I’m not going to make it in time, a loud banging noiseinterrupts my impending sickness.
“Alexxxxx,” a voice calls, slurred and lazy. I close my eyes tight and press my lips together, hoping it will be enough to stop whatever is working its way back up.
“C’monnn I just wanna– Ahhfuck!”The sound of something crashing to the floor interrupts his pursuit.It’s okay, I’m safe.I remind myself that he never comes into my room.
“Alex! Stop being a little bitch and answer me when I’m speaking to you!” His voice is getting closer; each thud of his boots hitting the steps sounds like a countdown. I shuffle back, pressing myself into the corner my bed rests against, wrapping my arms around my knees. Even my stomach has grown timid at his presence, the rumbling taking a backseat to thewhooshof blood pumping in my ears.
Four steps…
Three steps…
“Your Mom would be ashamed of you,” he snorts, slapping the shared wall between the stairs and my room. “I’m glad she never got the chance to watch you grow up. If the cancer didn’t kill her, the disappointment would have.”
Be strong.
Hold on.
His words are worse than any beating.
I can’t disprove what he’s saying because she was taken way before my memories of her could stick. I think I remember her face, but it’s always stuck in the same expression as the photo hanging in the living room. She looked like the kind of Momother kids wished they had. I think Jules would have loved her, just as I do Theresa.
Why didn’t you ask me?His broken plea floods my mind and stings my eyes.
Two steps…
I tear my eyes away from the door and glance at the drawer of my bedside table, the one where my phone is buried.
One call…Theresa’s presence in my mind swaddles me in assurances and comfort.
