Prologue
Julian
Present Day
I’ve always been the type of person to put others before myself. The type of person who apologises when someone bumps into me at the supermarket, the same type of person who holds the door open for an endless stream of people, even when I’m already late. When the cashier gives me the wrong change, I simply pretend I counted wrong, and by the time I leave the store, I've convinced myself of it too. And I do it all with a smile on my face.
The funny thing is, I don’t internally chastise the people who take my kindness; I chastisemyselffor being selfless and ultimately, for being too nice.
My Mother admired my softness; she would often tell me she felt like she raised a ‘gentleman.’ I let her, simply because I never wanted to disappoint her; I hate confrontation of any kind. What she saw as one of my best qualities, I recognise now, as one of my biggest downfalls. It’s not that I don’t like myself, quite the opposite, actually. I love the person I am becausesheraised me. My Mom shaped me into the man I amtoday with nothing but love and kindness. She lived by the mantra -‘treat others how you wish to be treated in return.’
I’ve clung to that notion all of my life, believing that my efforts will be compensated. I’ve let her words carry me through the last week. I’ve swallowed my pain and anger, smothered them with kindness and grace. I’ve shared my smiles and affection with those overcome with sadness at her passing. They allowed me to give to them what they couldn’t attain for themselves; hope.They looked at me–the grieving son–still smiling, still holding it together, still whole.
Again, I don’t blame them. How could I? They only took what I was willing to give–always so willing.
I sit alone in the bathroom, looking at the shampoo bottles I’m yet to get rid of. I imagine Mom’s gentle smile and warm eyes, the way her face would beam with pride whenever she caught sight of me. Her whole frame would relax when I entered the room, as if the effort of holding all of her love for me was finally eased, once I was there to receive it.
It’s a feeling I’m more than familiar with; only, the love I’m holding on to has nowhere to go. I tried to cash in on my kindness and claim my karma, only for it to ricochet back ten times harder.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I thought I could save him.”
Chapter One
Julian
Age 5
“And what do we do first, Julian?”
“Umm, we smile first!” Mommy shows me her silly smile, the one that makes her eyes go all small and crinkly.
“That’s right, we always smile first. C’mon, show me.” She pokes my tummy and my sides, it tickles and makes me look like I’m dancing. “Let me see those teeth!”
I stand up straight and push my arms down to my side; she tells me that I’m a big boy when I stand up tall and proud. I can’t wait to be a big boy, well, aproperbig boy. They get to stay up late and watch the growed-up TV, the ones where they say naughty words. I hear our neighbour say thema lotwhen his dog runs out of the gate. Mommy always tells me he’s saying ‘yuck cake,’but I know he likes cake; his tummy is ginormous.
Mommy puts her face close to mine, and one of her eyebrows looks like an upside-down tick; that usually means she’s thinking. I stretch my mouth as wide as I can. It hurts a little, but I want to make her smile again.
“Hmmm, there’s something missing here…” I stretch wider, hoping she can see all of my teeth. I’ve been brushing them really good with my Batman toothbrush. I even use the spicy toothpaste now, instead of my favourite strawberry one. Mommy says it’s what all the big boys use and it’s how they get their growed-up teeth.
“Mommy, I’m sh-miling.” My cheeks are starting to hurt, and my eyes are shut so tight I can see all the pretty colours behind them.
“I know you’re smiling, sweetheart, but the happiness is missing.”
What?!I gave her my biggest ever smile. I open my eyes to look at her; she’s shaking her head and laughing a little. “Honey, when you smile at me, do you know what I see?”
“My teeths?” She laughs again.
“Yes, I see your teeth. But I also see happiness in your beautiful blue eyes. They sparkle the same way sunlight reflects off the sea. It’s magical.”
“What?! I have magic eyeballs?!” I open my eyes really, really wide. “Will I be able to see through stuff?” I look at the tree behind Mommy, and squeeze my eyes really hard.
“Julian, baby, look at me,” she’s shaking my hands now, but I don’t want to look at her– what if I have laser eyes? I’ll just keep them closed, so I can’t hurt her. “It’s a secret kind of magic, the type only the people you love can sense. It’s the happiness behind your eyes– it makes them feel happy too. So, tell me, why aren’t you happy, sweet boy?” I open my eyes, slowly, just in case I do have lasers.
“I don’t know anyone. What if they don’t smile back at me?”
“Then you smile even bigger. Show them kindness, not everyone knows it, so it’s your job to teach them.”
At lunchtime, the teacher said I could eat my sandwiches outside if I wanted to. I like her; she always smiles at me, but it makes sense, she’s a teacher, so she already knowseverything.I take my Pokémon lunch box and walk to the bench at the edge of the playground. The sun is so bright I can’t see very far, so I put my arm over my head and pretend I’m flying, just like Superman. I stop when I reach the wooden bench, putting my lunchbox on top. I hope Mommy packed me cheese-spread sandwiches, they’re my favourite, especially when she cuts them into little circles like Pokéballs.
