Maybe this time you will.I saw you, baby, and you’re beautiful.My fingers ached to hold you, but my feet refused to carry me toward you.I left you, and you’ve found your happy, and I couldn’t mess with that.
I was also hurt.I admit I felt left out and betrayed.My friends and my girl were living it up, having the best time, and no one seemed to miss me.
I walked away again, but I already regret it.I should have stayed.I should have told you that I was there.Even if it ended in a fight, maybe I still could have hugged you.Told you that I love you.
I do, you know.I love you with everything inside me.I don’t know how not to love you.
Yours always,
Copeland
“Stop.Just stop,” Copeland says, his voice cracking.“You have to stop.I can’t handle you being upset like this.It’s all in the past, Ells.Let’s leave it there.”
“No.I have to keep going.”I wipe at my cheeks and pick up another letter.I get lost in his words, living his pain.
“I’m so mad at her,” I tell him.“She stole so much from us.”
“I’m sorry.”
I turn to glance at him over my shoulder.“Stop apologizing.There was so much that went wrong.I love you.We’re past all of this.”
“Then stop reading.I can’t take seeing you like this.”
“I have to do this, Cope.I need to do this.I have to keep reading.I need to feel your words, because they’re mine, too.I went all those years thinking you never loved me to begin with.These letters, they’re healing me.”
“They’re not.”He shakes his head.“They’re hurting you.”
“It’s healing.Tears are a part of life, big guy.Just think if this little one is a girl, you’re going to be outnumbered with hormones.”I offer him a watery smile.
“I’ll cherish every damn day of whatever you and our children toss my way, Ells.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”He kisses my forehead, and I turn back around and grab the final letter.
My Ells,
It’s been four years.Four years of missing you.Four years of hating myself for the choice I made, even though I made it with good intentions.It’s time for me to decide what to do, and it’s kept me up at night for weeks.
I can’t come home, Ells.I can’t live in that town, the one where I fell in love with you.The one where I first kissed you, first made love to you.The place where we planned out our lives.I can’t live in that town and watch you live those dreams with someone else.
So, I’m staying in.Turns out, when you keep your head down and only think about the love of your life, you stay out of trouble, and that’s excellent for a Marine.I’m good at it, and it’s all that I have, now that I’ve lost you.
I love you, Ellison Marie Moran.You own my heart and my soul, and while you might not know that, I will.I will never love anyone else.Just you.Those dreams we had, I still dream about them.Memories of you, of the time we had together, and the life we wanted, that’s what keeps me going.It will only ever be you for me, Ellison Moran.
I’m sorry, baby.I’m so fucking sorry for tearing us apart.I thought I was doing the right thing.I wish you’d reply to me.Just once.Just one time.Even if it’s to tell me that you hate me, I just wish I could hear from you.
My letters are not being returned.Four years, and not a single one made it back to me.That tells me you’re getting them but that you’re done with me.
I’ll never be done with you, Ellison Moran.You hear me?I will never be done with you.I love you.You own a piece of me, and I never want that piece back.It will always be yours.
I miss you.
I love you.
For always.
Copeland
