“The years have passed, but from what I just witnessed in my kitchen, your feelings remain the same.”
I don’t say anything because I don’t know how to respond.Do I admit that I want her words to be true?That if Ellison were mine again, I’d make sure she knew what she meant to me every damn day.
Do I tell her that she hurt me, and that even though I love her with everything I am, I don’t know if that’s enough to get past the pain of living without her all of these years?
“Life is short, Copeland.You have to make it the best you can.You have to fight for happiness.You love her.”
It’s not a question.As I said, my mom has always been able to read my brother and me like an open book.
“The question is, what are you going to do with that love?”Leaning over, she kisses my cheek.“Take all the time you need.I’m going to make us an early dinner before you get settled in at the Manor.”She stands and makes her way to the door.“Cope, I’m so happy to have you home.I’ve missed you.”With that, the sound of the door opening and closing fills the air.
What are you going to do with that love?
Mom’s question repeats over and over in my mind.I don’t know what to do with the love I have for Ellison.It feels too big for my chest, too big to put into words.The only thing I do know is that my love for her… is never going away.
Now, I have to decide how to handle that.
Do I ignore it?Embrace it?Do I fight for her, for us to have our second chance?
Five
Ellison
My lip quivers, so I bite into it, trying to make it stop.My hands tremble as a sob breaks free from my chest.My vision starts to blur, and I’m thankful I’m driving just next door.I pull my car into the driveway and turn off the engine.I was supposed to return to the Manor to finish some paperwork after I visited with Mary, but as life tends to do for my sisters and me, it threw a wrench into my plans.
He wasn’t supposed to be there.
Mary assured me he was coming home tomorrow.I wanted to visit with her before her appointment on Friday.I’ve called her every day and visited her a few times since Chandler dropped the news of her illness on my sisters and me last week.
Grabbing my keys, purse, and phone, I rush from the car and into the house.I don’t need anyone seeing me like this.It’s been so long since I’ve laid eyes on him that I didn’t know how I would feel, but I didn’t expect this.I didn’t expect the pain to feel like a knife twisting in my chest.What’s worse is the longing I could see in his eyes.I felt it deep in my soul, but too much time has passed.
He left me without a word.He just left without sharing his plans with me.No explanation, no phone call, no carrier pigeon.Nothing.Not a word, and that hurts.
It’s an ache deep inside me.It’s rooted in a space that will forever remember the pain, the nights I cried myself to sleep, and the reality of moving on with my life.A life that I’d planned around him.Around the love of my life.
In my room, I close the door, toss my stuff to the floor, and curl up on the bed.Here in the safety of my childhood bedroom, I let the tears flow freely.I don’t try to mask what seeing him again has done to me.Instead, I unleash it.I allow myself to feel every ache and every tear as it slides across my cheek, soaking into my pillow.
Eventually, the tears subside, and I know I need to pull myself together.I allowed myself a moment to expel the pain, but life must go on.I can’t stay locked in my room, dreaming of what could have been, when I need to be living in the present.I have supplies to order, and I need to check in with Macklin on the new horse feed.It’s from a different supplier, which saves us a significant amount of money each month through bulk orders.I need to see if the horses are taking well to it or not.
With a heavy sigh, I force myself out of bed and across the hall to the bathroom.My sisters keep trying to talk me into moving into the primary bedroom, but that was our parents’ room.Although being thirty-two and still sleeping in the same room I did when my parents brought me home from the hospital is weird, I can’t bring myself to take over their room.I don’t care that I’m the oldest.I’ve told all three of them they can fight it out over who gets it, but none of us wants it.So, instead, it sits empty.A few years ago, Gram and Gramps convinced us to donate their things.That was a hard day, but the four of us, with the help of our grandparents, got through it together.
It’s amazing what a little bit of makeup can do to hide the evidence of tears.A few drops of Visine in each eye, and I’m headed back to the Manor.It’s a short walk from the main house, and I could use that time to let the Visine do its job.
Stepping inside the Manor, I see Leighton at the front desk.“Hey, what are you doing out here?”I ask my sister.
“Beth had a dentist appointment.I told her that I’d cover her until she got back.Where have you been?”
“I went to see Mary for a little bit and took her the cookies that Courtlynn made for her.”
Leighton studies me.“What else?”
I sigh.There’s no use in hiding it from her.“While I was there, Copeland showed up.He came home a day early to surprise his mom.”
“What?”she shrieks.
I shrug.“It’s fine.”I wave my hand in the air like I wasn’t just crying so hard I could barely breathe over running into him today.
“Ellie—” she starts, but quickly stops when the door behind me opens.
