My steps falter at the cage door, the metal hot beneath my palm, then after a beat, I nod, and without turning around I shove the door open and step out into the roar of the crowd.
Back in the tent,my focus stays fixed on the bloody duck resting on Ezzy’s bedside crate opposite me while Ahria lingers outside for once instead of following me in.
I don’t blame her. After the way I’ve been barely holding myself together all day, I wouldn’t want to be around me either.
Canvas cracks, and a strong gust of wind rolls in, carrying the smell of damp grass and rain as the first drops of the oncoming storm begin pattering against the tent above me.
Pulling at the rough woollen blanket, I hug it tighter around me.
All I need is five minutes to pull myself together. Five minutes to shove all of this back down so I can get through the rest of the day without falling apart. Without Ahria seeing.
But once I’m finally alone, it doesn’t take long for the tears to start coming, anger, guilt, longing, everything hitting all in one crushing heartbeat.
Shaking, I inhale, trying to pull in the cool autumn air to calm myself, but my ribs cinch instead, locking around me until each breath stalls in my chest.
“Fuck.” I scream the word at myself as I press my hands against my eyes, trying to shove the pain back, but it’s no use. It keeps rising, hot and vicious, filling every hollow place inside me.
What am I even doing here?
The thought hits so hard I almost laugh.
As if I’m some kind of leader, as if I’m the person anyone should be looking to for orders, for answers, for hope.
Hell, I couldn’t save Finn. I couldn’t save Rowan. I couldn’t even stop Ezzy from being dragged into this nightmare, and now I’m supposed to stand in front of a dragon who was never meant to be mine and ask her to choose me?
Why would she?
Why would anything good choose me after everything I’ve ruined?
Wool itches against my hands as my fingers dig into the blanket until my knuckles ache, but it doesn’t stop the truth from clawing its way up my throat.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to lead these people. I don’t know how to take down Serrane. I don’t even know how to look Talen in the eye without wanting him and hating him, and hating myself for both.
The next sound that leaves my mouth is ugly—half gasp, half sob, and loud enough to drown out everything else so completely that, combined with the rain pounding harder overhead now, I don’t even hear the tent flap lift.
“Lyra!” Ezzy's voice is soft but shocked. “Lyra, what's wrong?”
Rushing over, the bed creaks as she drops down and places a cold rain-soaked arm around me. I shift away, swiping uselessly at the tears on my face even though my skin already feels hot and swollen enough that there’s no point trying to hide that I’ve been crying.
“It’s fine. I’m fine.” My voice comes out hoarse.
“You don’t look fine. You look... terrible.” She soothes, sliding closer.
“Yeah well, it’s no more than I deserve,” I mutter, sniffing and swallowing against the next sob trying to force its way up.
“Deserve? You don't deserve any of this.” She brushes a curl away from my face, wiping at my tears.
I turn to face her and for one stupid second, I want to believe her. But the guilt inside me is too savage, too raw to hold down anymore.
“I deserve all of it.” My throat closes violently around the words. “The guilt, the pain, the fact that you won't talk to me.” My gaze drops to the place beneath her shirt where Talen’s stab wound lies and my stomach wrenches so hard I can taste the bile rising on my tongue. “It’s my fault. Finn’s gone. Brian's dead. Rowan’s dead. And you—I dragged you into this bloody camp. Away from your family. Your sister. Your whole life.”
Beside me, Ezzy stiffens. Dropping my gaze from hers, I shake my head, regretting even opening my mouth, and despite the rain now hammering overhead, the tent suddenly feels too quiet as my words linger between us.
“You think I’m not talking to you because I blame you?” Ezzy finally mutters as she lets out a slow breath. “Stars, Lyra. I’m not talking because I don’t even know where to start, how badly I messed everything up. You warned me.Rowanwarned me. The one person who’s been there my whole life, helping me through everything, and I still didn’t listen.” This time it’s her tears that break free, her voice cracking apart. “I didn’t listen to him and now he’s gone, and I’m stuck here and I can’t go home and I need to get my family out, before Serrane?—”
The rest of her sentence comes out a tangled mess, words running into each other so badly I can barely make sense of them before she drops her head into her hands, folding over herself, shoulders trembling.
“Oh god, Ezzy.”
