“Oh please.”
And for some reason, that made Tean laugh.
“You’re so kind and loving and gentle,” Jem said.“This shit is like candy to you.You’re going to be ten times more compassionate now.It’s going to be out of control.”
“I don’t know about that,” Tean said.He hesitated.But then he said, “You know what really frustrates me, though?I spent so long telling myself the universe was meaningless, and any meaning we had to create for ourselves, and we did it by deciding who and what we wanted to be—creating the meaning that we wanted to see in our lives.And it turns out, that’s kind of bullshit too.”
“You’re really filling up that swear jar today.”
“Peoplearen’trational.Not always.Not in every way.Stuff happens to us.We get hurt.We carry those wounds around with us.Yeah, we still have to make choices.But there are parts of us that aren’t rational.That we can’t even access sometimes, or if we can, we can’t control.It’s all so much more complicated.”He sagged.“Why is everything so complicated?”
Something changed in Jem’s face again.The color, maybe—he looked washed out, and the shadows under his eyes were darker.He made a sound that was an attempt at a laugh, and then in a scratchy voice, he said, “Huh.So, funny story about that.”And then he stopped.“I’ve been trying to figure out how to talk about this, and then you went ahead and dropped that in my lap.”He laughed again and craned his head away.“So, uh, thanks.”
When more didn’t come, Tean asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
Struggle tightened Jem’s face.And then he pulled his hands away and got to his feet.“So.”He took a few steps toward the kitchen and turned back.“Things have been kind of…weird for me lately.”
Tean nodded slowly.
“It started at Rainbow House, when I saw him.”Jem licked his lips.“Wendell.It was like I wasn’t even thinking anymore.I just—I just jumped him.And we came home, and it was okay, because I had just been surprised, and I hadn’t thought about him in years.And that was it.The end.It was over.”He scratched his beard.He tried to smile.When he started to talk, his voice sounded like it was about to break.“And then I did something stupid.”
Tean listened as Jem told him about finding Wendell’s house.About breaking in.About the night at Rainbow House when Jem had seen him on the sidewalk, broken into his car, and taken the garage door opener.About two nights before, when Jem had gone to Wendell’s house.
“I don’t know what I was going to do,” Jem said.But his face was shiny with sweat, and he kept pulling up the collar of his shirt to cover his mouth.“God, that’s such a fucking lie.I was going to hurt him.”He shook his head and looked up at the ceiling.“I was going to fuck him up.And the scariest part was like it wasn’t even me anymore.I knew what I was doing.I’m not saying I didn’t.I’m not saying I’m not responsible.But I didn’t feel like me.I felt like I was just—just watching, and I knew I shouldn’t do it, but I was so—” And Tean heard, in the tiny caesura,scared.But Jem said, “—angry.”
“What did you do?”Tean asked.
Jem blinked, as though Tean had startled him, and he dropped his shirt.“Nothing.Zeb was there.Oh shit, I haven’t even told you about that.”And then Tean had to hear about the fight, and about Wendell being killed, and Jem’s attempts to establish an alibi, and it was all he could do not to start spiraling right then about how bad things might be.“That’s why I was so fucked up,” Jem said.“Chaquille’s shit was strong, and I was having a seriously bad case of the scaries, and when you told me you got hurt—” He stopped.He smoothed his hands down his shirt: blunt nails, the fine gold hair on the back of his hands.He stopped at the bottom and gripped the hem.
“I understand,” Tean said.“You were upset.”
But Jem started shaking his head.“No.It’s—” He blew out a breath, cranked his head to one side, and laughed.“Okay, I honestly think I’m going crazy.But I’m going to say this anyway.I…might have some unresolved shit.About having, you know, a family.And a home.And some of that is my mom.And some of it is going through care.And some of it, even though this sounds weird, is Wendell.I was so excited when I saw his house.I thought I was going to be there forever.And then I fucked it all up.”He stopped, shock on his face.He opened his mouth and closed it again.
“Jem,” Tean said softly.“You didn’t fuck it up.”
“I know.I know.”He was clutching the hem of his jacket more tightly now, and his voice was strained when he said, “Iknowthat.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Jem nodded.He blinked rapidly.
“You were a child.He was going to hurt you.You were defending yourself.”
Jem cleared his throat.He started to say something and then stopped.The first tear fell.
Tean got to his feet and crossed the distance between them.He took Jem in his arms.The muscles in Jem’s back were taut.His spine was so stiff it was almost arched.Tetanic.“My love,” Tean whispered.“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“They sent me to LouElla’s,” Jem said.His voice was husky, but the words were clear.And then he pressed his face into Tean’s shoulder and shook once.
Whatever had happened at that woman’s house, Tean only knew part of it—Jem being trapped in the basement with a crazed dog, Jem being whipped across the back hard enough to leave a scar, Jem trying to protect the other children until he was too much trouble, and then he’d been sent to Decker.
For a while, Tean stood there, arms around Jem, holding him up.
“I’m okay,” Jem said when he finally raised his head.“Sorry about that.I’m okay now.”
“You don’t have to be okay,” Tean said.When Jem didn’t respond, he asked, “Do you want to sit down?Do you want to walk?”
“We can sit.”
