"But he isn't attracted to me," I continued, bewildered."Either that, or I've entirely lost my touch.Or maybe I’m a lot worse at reading abayan non-verbal cues than I thought."
"You have not lost your touch.That is my understanding as well," Araxis said slowly, carefully, as if I might be insulted.
It was kind of him to worry about my feelings, I guess, but if I took it to heart when people weren't into me, I wouldn't have lasted very long at the den.Someone else's lack of attraction wasn't aboutme, it was aboutthem."So he would have, what, tried to whisk me away and then – How does that work, if part of being a good sinnenthi is fucking your virra well?I mean, he wouldn’t have slept with me out of a sense ofduty...Right?"
Araxis blinked several more times, which was enough of an answer for me."But –" I started, stomach tight as I sifted back through everything with Araxis.Hehadplanned on seducing me, even when he thought he wasn’t interested in sex."Araxis, that's not why you – It wasn't because you felt that youhadto –"
He flushed and shook his head resolutely."No, Sashen.I have never had sex with you out of a sense of duty.Indeed, most of the time, you – Well.I only meant to say that another sinnenthi would have pursued you more openly.You might expect that still.I am certain that is why Crozani of Creche Naival approached you.Creche Naival would be most pleased to win you, as would many others."
I studied him as the sweet air of the biosphere caressed my neck.He'd said that – that someone else might try to fuck me – with a decidedly, maybe deliberately, neutral tone, the trees around us swaying in a gentle artificial breeze."Well, they can come on to me as much as they want," I said."It won't get them anywhere."
"No?That was –" He huffed, shaking his head and turning to move to another burst of massive flowers."Ihadwondered.As I had… wondered about Elethenn."
He'd wondered if I was fucking someone else – if I'd beopento fucking other people – and he hadn't asked or reacted or had anything to say about it at all?Even though the expression that I caught as he wandered over to another bank of flowers was one I could only describe asrelief?
I trailed after him, slow."And thinking that… didn't upset you?"I wanted to understand.
"I do not own you, Sashen.I understood that an abayan declaration might be difficult for you.It is why I hesitated.You were forced into your position, although I hope – That is –"
I watched the expanse of his back, feeling a little unsteady there in the fresh air, surrounded by a riot of green – but I waited.I could be patient when things required a delicate touch, and this felt like it did.
"Ihope," Araxis said finally, still turned away, "that you do not feel forced intothisposition.I hope that – you feel able to go on these dates with me in earnest, or able to decline them at your will.And if you have other desires, then all I wish is for them to be fulfilled – with me, or elsewhere."
He was dressed in black, his skin white and dewy in the particular light of this first ecosystem, and as he stretched to stroke the spikes of one gleaming plant, I was reminded with an ache somewhere deep in my chest of Celravi's tapestry.The lovers, torn apart, each wishing only the best for the other.
Indiva, her greatest desires fulfilled, though all she truly desired was her Sadri.
"So you'd be okay if weweren'tdating," I tried, hesitant.
Araxis glanced at me; the skin around his eyes tightened, his mouth flattening."If that is what you wish, Sashen."
"But is it whatyouwant?"I asked.
He hesitated, looking torn, and I remembered that I had told myself that I'd have to lead, ill-equipped though I was.
"I'm asking because I don't want you to date me out of obligation," I continued, heat prickling up my neck as I rocked slightly on my feet, nervous for a reason I didn't want to look at."You know that I'm in love with you, and I've declared for you, and it would be easy to feel bad or… like youhaveto be with me.I don't want that.Because Idowant to date you, but I don't want to do it if it's just because you know that."
He fluted out a quiet sound, ducking his head."Ah, I understand.Then,yes, Sashen, I would like to continue dating you.What I feel is not an obligation; it is a privilege."
Well, I likedthat.I flushed, pleased.
"You'd better stop acting like there's going to be a line-up of abaya who all want to treat me like their special treasure, though," I said with a sly look, trying to chase away the tightness beneath my ribs."Don't want my ego to get too out of control."
He paused, his fingers lingering on one massive petal, the flushed pink of sunrise across Verdant Ward's skies, and looked at me in that thoughtful, incisive way of his, like he was seeing something that I couldn't glimpse myself."I do not think we need to worry that you ever think too highly of yourself, Sashen."
I blinked at him, there in the forest on Sozamia Station, on our private little date.What did that mean?"I don't know," I said slowly, continuing down the path toward what sounded like a water feature.Mist drifted high above us among the tree branches, softening the light and casting us both in a gentle glow."Alet Trident said that my arrogance was one of my better features."
He snorted, following me."Alet Trident failed to understand anything of significance about you.You are not arrogant, Sashen.You are courageous and unafraid of hard work.That is very different."
I didn't know about that, but I'd allow it.We wandered for a few moments in silence, except for the rushing sound of water.Between the trees, I could catch a glimpse of a distant waterfall and the rise of a cliff-like feature.No doubt the main path would take someone right to the base of the waterfall.Our private walkway instead curved into a switchback, taking us to the top."Youthink you understand me, though," I said finally.
Araxis paused, halfway up the path, and I stopped walking too, turning to look at him.His eyes had tightened, but the cast of his features was thoughtful."Hm.I believe I understand parts of you.Sometimes –" And then he stopped, biting back the rest.
I didn't want to keep doing that, the half-finished thoughts, the hesitant truths; I wanted to continue to invite him to open up, no matter where the thought led or what he anticipated my reaction might be."You think you understand me," I repeated, keeping my voice neutral.I wasn't upset.I just wanted to know what he was thinking."Andsometimes…"
Our eyes met, the diffuse light overhead making his hard to read."Sometimes," he continued, "I feel that I understand you better than I understand myself.That isn't to say you're predictable, Sashen.You surprise me all of the time.But you have a… clarity that I admire.What you do, what you say, what you think, it all feels internally consistent.Whereas I often feel that I am a stranger to myself.I know what I believe, and yet I find myself acting in ways that are not in alignment with those beliefs.Even – even when we were on the ship before the Tournament, when we were speaking of abayan gender, I told you that I had said things I did not even believe.I find the fines levied on crecheless abaya deplorable, and yet I didn't think to intervene.You are a navigational star.Sometimes I think I am just a random burst of radiation."He shrugged, then, as if he hadn't just cracked open his ribs to show me what was inside of him, and continued up the path, brushing past me at a slow, easy walk.
I stared after his back as he climbed upwards, then set off after him.I still felt a bit sore, but it was an almost pleasant pain, and it wasn't hard to catch up."Hey now," I said as we reached the top of the cliff and Araxis wandered over to look down over the crashing waterfall, a forest-in-miniature spread out before us, "I'm pretty sureIcalled dibs on star-based metaphors,supernova."
