I want to come so hard I forget this suffocating guilt.
I turn around and lean back against the cold marble of the bathroom countertop. I stroke up, squeezing, letting the head of my dick throb between my fingers before sliding back down to the base.
I imagine Carey on his knees, his lips swollen from sucking my cock until his jaw aches. He pulls back to lap at the head, his eyesburning up at me; all challenge, no fear. Waiting for me to grab the back of his head and shove him down, to fuck into his mouth like I own it—
But then it’s me athisfeet, face pressed to his stomach, my mouth open and desperate against the barbell in his navel. I want to bite it. I want him to grab me by the hair and force my tongue lower. I want him to push me into the depths of the humiliation I’ve spent my whole life running from.
My brain can't pick a goddamn lane.
The only thing it knows is that it wants Carey.
On me.
Near me.
Beneath me.
I need to taste him.
Feel him.
I want to hear him moan.
I want to see him come.
I want it brutal.
I need this ache in my gut to condense into something I can exorcise out of my body, because for the first time in thirty-four years I don’t know if I want to fuck, or be fucked.
I want to pin Carey down and watch him squirm under me.
I want to see that sunshine smile morph into a depraved moan of my name.
But also, I want to feel helpless beneath him.
I want to taste sweat, and spit, and surrender.
I want him over me, grinding down on my face.
The confusion makes my skin buzz like a chemical reaction.
I twist my nipple hard with my other hand just to fight the urge to scream his name.
My pumps are fast and filthy.
The head of my cock is purple, angry, and leaking all over my knuckles.
I piston into my fist.
My balls are high, and tight.
I see Carey straddling my lap, arms around my neck.
I’m throbbing—right at the edge.
I stare into the mirror, jaw clenched, watching the muscles in my neck and chest tense as I stroke so hard my vision blurs.
I think of his voice; that low, obscenely faux naive tone he slips into when he starts talking sexually at the shop.
