My thoughts opened a pit of fear in my gut, churning and bubbling like lava in a caldera. My lungs squeezed tight. My heart slammed against my chest, each beat echoing through my body so loudly, I was surprised Hannah couldn’t hear it.
I didn’t want to still be in love with him.
He’d hurt me.
He’d destroyed my trust in him.
My voice wobbled as I read another line, this time about moon and star sheep. Hannah’s eyes drifted closed, her thumb in her mouth. My angel was asleep. With any luck she’d be out for the night. But Hannah’s sleep had regressed. We were back to waking up a few times. I’d kill for a solid night’s sleep, but it would take a few more months to get there again if the doctor’s advice was anything to be believed. So I’d more than likely be in here in a few hours trying to settle her again.
I finished the story and, as quietly as a mouse, slipped the book onto the bookshelf in her bedroom. Then I picked up my cell phone and tiptoed out, silently pulling the door closed after me.
“What, no comment?” he demanded.
I unmuted my speaker, and my anger and hurt exploded between us, my tone caustic as I reamed him. “I’m still waiting for you to say something new, something I haven’t already given you an answer to, Simon. Telling me I’m the one not keeping our vows is so freaking hypocritical when you’re the one who cheated. You say you’re trying, but I’ve made it clear that there is no saving this marriage. This whole conversation is a waste of my time.”
Getting the words out was a relief. The pounding in my chest turned to flutters, butterfly wings taking flight inside me. Myhands shook from the giddiness of finally setting some of that anger toward him free.
“Look, I know what I’m proposing isn’t the norm, but you’ve seen it work before. You’ve made it work before. You wanted—”
“I wanted faithfulness,” I hissed.
“I made a mistake, okay?” he shot back, his voice an angry whisper.
His words struck me dumb. It was the first time he’d admitted it, a genuine acknowledgement that he’d done the wrong thing. I heard the slide of a door and then cars in the distance. He’d gone outside. He sighed, and when he spoke again, he sounded resigned. It was as if he was taking his last shot, making one final play for goal before the buzzer sounded. He was in his defensive zone, trying to pull off the impossible. I respected the guys on the team for their tenacity and for taking every opportunity to score. How could I not respect him for doing the same?
“You wanted open communication. I’m trying to do that. I’ve been sharing everything with you, and you’ve given me nothing back. Not a single response. Communication is a two-way street, Keeley, and you’re not communicating. Please try. If not for you or me, for our kids’ sake.” He paused and sucked in a wobbly breath, emotion thickening his voice. “Please, I’m begging you. I only want what’s best. I’m just trying to do the right thing by the kids. They’re innocent in this. I’m trying to give them what we both missed out on growing up.”
Simon came from a broken family like I did, but his parents were completely different from mine. While my father had gone AWOL, my mother had loved me enough for both of them. We were never rich—some nights we shared a packet of ramen noodles between us—but I never doubted I was loved. His parents were totally different animals. They’d competed over him, showering him with gifts while simultaneously ignoring him. All they wanted was to hurt the other. He was a pawn. He’ddone some serious soul-searching to be able to acknowledge that his upbringing wasn’t ideal. I don’t think I’d ever processed just how messed up he was over his childhood. But I was definitely seeing a different side to Simon.
He was right; the kids were innocent. That was the hardest pill to swallow. Our divorce and this fighting and anger wasn’t good for anyone, especially not a child who’d already suffered so much trauma and loss.
I’d been so adamant that we needed to end. But was I doing the right thing? Was I still in love with him? Did it even matter? Maybe Hannah needed both of us to be able to heal from the loss of her mom. Was denying her that in her best interests?
Simon was right—I had seen poly relationships work. Mine hadn’t, but that was because I moved away after college. They couldn’t come, and I couldn’t stay. Maybe I needed to try again.
For Hannah’s sake.
I wasn’t ready to say yes. I needed more time to figure out if I could settle for this. I didn’t know if I could, but I knew I needed to put Hannah first. That meant hearing him out.
I stayed silent, unable to express what was on my mind.
“I’ll let you go,” he whispered. “I’m…. Thank you for listening. Bye, Keeley.”
“Bye, Simon.”
I sighed, dropped my cell phone onto the coffee table, and slumped down on the sofa. My shoulders were heavy with the weight he’d placed on them. I just wanted to be a good mom and give Hannah everything she deserved. He was right—she deserved the world. I rubbed my tired eyes and swallowed hard. Urgh. Why did he have to go and do that?
***
The curser on my office computer blinked at me, the page still blank after an hour of sitting there. I replayed my conversation with Simon over and over. I’d been up all night, pacing my bedroom as I tried to sort through my complicated feelings. I didn’t think I loved him. I was sure of it. Not anymore. But that wasn’t the only important thing to consider. I had an opportunity here to give Hannah a family that I’d never had—a father and a brother. I hadn’t planned on dating while she was living at home. But maybe staying single wasn’t the best for Hannah. She deserved the best I could give her. I’d enjoyed being married to Simon once. Maybe we could recapture that. For her. Family was everything. If I could give her that…
The walls of my office were closing in on me. I needed to escape.
I breathed easier when I pulled the door closed behind me as I raced out. I walked the corridors, my low heels clicking on the polished concrete floor. Work. Focus on work. Put all of it aside until I was done. Then I’d be able to think it through logically.
Right. Focus on work. I went over my mental to-do list. I needed to see Miller, but Gauthier, Hux, and Minns were also on my list. Rune had come to see me a few days ago too. On top of wanting to talk to me about a few personal things, he’d asked to be included in requests for volunteers for the LGBTQIA+ initiatives the team was now spearheading. I appreciated the support—I know it meant a lot to the guys that so many people were standing with them.
Movement up ahead distracted me. It was Miller and Rune walking out of the weight training room, deep in conversation together.
