This morning I thought I knew. This afternoon I thought I knew. But now Lauren had made her feelings clear on the subject, my emotions were reverberating through my chest and bouncing off each rib. They were going so fast that it was hard to grab hold of one quick enough to make sense of it.
“I… I like him, a lot. Maybe more than like. The sex we have is off the charts. I love him as my friend’s brother, who I’ve known most of my life. But I’m still trying to get used to this new Penn, so to say I’m in love with him… I’m not sure yet. Isn’t it too quickto fall in love? Even though I know I’ve never felt like this before. But… Lauren… she said he’s incapable of having a relationship and he’ll go off with someone else soon. I’m so confused. Maybe I’m getting too swept up in his certainty. He just keeps saying it's forever. It’s hard.” I slumped with a huge sigh.
“It was the same with Murray. He knew. He was so certain, and it was overwhelming.”
My eyes welled up again, and I tried hard to stop my lip from quivering. “What do I do? Lauren’s my best friend in the world, I can’t lose her. We’ve never really had a fight before.”
“Ever?” Beulah baulked.
“No, it’s always just felt like the two of us against the world. Me with my family, and her against hers. And now I’ve done this.”
Beulah put her hand over mine and squeezed. “It’s going to be an adjustment, but nothing will really change for either of you, you’ll see. You’ll still be friends.”
“But what if we’re not? And what if she’s right, and Penn and I break up? I know he said he loves me, but what if it’s not how he imagined? He’s had twenty five years to put me on a pedestal; that’s a lot of pressure.” Even as I said the words I could feel every ounce of them sitting directly on my chest. Maybe I hadn’t been thinking clearly enough. Maybe Penn had fogged my brain until he was the only thing Icouldfocus on, but in reality, there was so much more in the picture to consider.
Kit pulled me a little way out of my spiraling panic. “Yeah, I don’t see that happening. Murray said Penn’s obsessed with you.”
My eyes flicked to hers.
“It’s not a big deal, just take each day as it comes. You’ll figure things out with Lauren. She’s not going to hold this against you once she’s realizes you’ll actually be her sister-in-law.”
“Your mom will be happy,” laughed Beulah.
I rubbed against the tension building in my temples. “Oh God, it’s going to be a nightmare! An actual nightmare. She’s literally going to be planning my wedding the second she finds out Penn and I are dating. I almost can’t bear to tell her. I don’t even think Penn realizes the extent of it. She’s scared off every guy I’ve ever dated. What if that happens with him?”
My panic had jumped right back on the helter-skelter again, and was zooming down to the bottom.
“It won’t. Penn can hold his own, plus, he already knows your mom. She won’t scare him off.” She picked up a chicken wing, tearing pieces off it.
“Why can’t things just be simple?”
“Because that’s boring,” she mumbled, sucking the barbecue sauce from her fingers.
“I dunno. I kind of like the idea of being in love with someone and it not causing any kind of drama.”
“Noooo,” she shook her head. “The drama is how you know it’s real.”
I wasn’t sure I agreed with that, but it was moot seeing as what was happening with Penn was definitely not drama free. And even if that hadn’t included my mom-sized issue, I now had to figure out what to do about Lauren. I knew she’d be pissed, but I hadn’t expected her to be so unkind.
“Can I get you ladies anything else?”
I looked up at the waiter, then down at the mostly empty plates. We’d managed to make our way through a lot of fried food, and two bottles of wine. I couldn’t tell whether it was making my anxiety feel better or worse.
I shook my head. “I’m good, thanks. Do you two want anything?”
“No, I think I’m going to get back and check on Bell. The boys won’t be home for a couple more hours, so I might getsome trash TV on before Murray comes back and changes it all to Bloomberg,” Kit grinned.
“We’ll take the check,” replied Beulah.
Fifteen minutes later, we’d managed to work our way through a packed bar and out onto the street to hug goodbye. Beulah hailed a cab to take her back downtown to hers and Rafe’s place in Greenwich Village, and jumped in.
“Lowe, you want to jump in my cab with me?” asked Kit.
“No, thanks. I’m going to walk; it’s not far and I could use the fresh air.”
“Okay, but call me if you need anything. Don’t worry about Lauren or your mom. Just focus on Penn.”
I hugged her, not feeling quite as confident. “Thank you.”
