“I’m going to need some time,” I say.
She nods, her expression careful again.
“Not because—” I stop. Try again. “I see now the price you’ve been paying for all of this…the pain you’ve been carrying. I’m so sorry, Lola. I’m not going anywhere. I need to figure out how to process this, but I don’t want to stop talking…if you’re okay with that.”
She swallows hard, and her lips lift.
“I’m good with that,” she says softly.
I walk past my hotel without even realizing it at first.
Lola’s words detonated like a grenade—they landed, went off, and then there was a moment where I stood there thinking,Fuck, things are blowing up.
Every time I think I’ve absorbed the worst of what she told me, something else hits hard.
I would wreck everything for you if I stayed.
Boom.
I got pregnant, Tully.
Boom.
He offered me money to leave.
I circle back toI got pregnant, Tully, again and again. It threatens to take me under. I start walking again.
Here’s what I know about myself: When something is wrong, I try to fix it, and when I can’t fix it, I make light of it. That Tully feels like another person right now. When I can’t make light of something, I skate hard enough that my body eventually forces my brain to shut up.
What I don’t typically do is simply feel my feelings. Goldie calls this a coping mechanism. I call it being functional. We’ve been having this argument since we were nine.
The problem is it’s 1:47 a.m., and I can’t get ice time.
So I keep walking.
I think about calling Camden. He’s the one I should call because he’s probably still at the restaurant, shutting things down for the night.
Dylan is who I’d call to feel light about everything for a few minutes, and Goldie is who I’d call to vent. She’d listen and ask the right questions.
I call Noah. It’s selfish because he has to get up early withGrayson every morning and has a hard enough time raising his son alone without being exhausted too. But he’s calm and methodical and does not wear his heart on his sleeve. He believes in solutions, and I really need that right now.
It rings three times and then: “Hey. You okay?”
“I’m so sorry to wake you up.”
“I actually just got in from Elm & Echo. Dad’s got Grayson for the night, and I’m off tomorrow. Great game tonight, by the way.”
“Thanks. And good, I’m glad you were up. I feel bad for calling, but?—”
“What’s going on? Talk to me.”
“I’m going to tell you something. This can’t go anywhere.”
“I’ve got you.”
I start with Nantucket. How I connected with Lola, and she disappeared again. How I finally got through to her on her phone after never being able to before. Then I tell him about tonight. How she looked scared when she saw Daniel, and everything she revealed about him.
He’s quiet until I pause. “Fuck, Tully. That’s messed up. I can’t believe we all trusted him. Why would he do this?”
