"Ok." Ellie turned her head to look at her. "You start."
Becca thought for a moment, her hand squeezing Ellie’s gently. "The biggest thing for me... the thing that made tonight what it was... it wasn't Kelly. I mean, she was great, she was fun, the sex was good… really very good. But it wasn't about her."
"What was it about?"
"You." Becca said it simply, without elaboration, looking Ellie squarely in the eye. Ellie could tell that she meant it, too, that she wasn’t just saying it to make her feel better. “Every single moment that mattered tonight was a moment where I was connected to you. On the dance floor when I looked over and you were watching. In the booth when I came and your eyes were the only thing I could see. When I reached for your hand by the bed. Just now, when you were touching me and I was talking to you." She paused. "Without you there, tonight would have been a hookup. A very good one, maybe, but a hookup. With you there it was..."
"Transcendent," Ellie offered, and Becca smiled.
"Yeah. Transcendent. I hate that word normally but it's right." She lay back down and stared at the ceiling. "I need to be honest about something though."
"Ok." Ellie tried to ignore the flicker of anxiety.
"When Kelly was behind me at the end, when I was lying back on her and her hand was, you know, and she was whispering to me... there were a few minutes where I forgot you were there. Not forgot exactly, but... I was so completely in the physical sensation of what she was doing that you faded. You becamebackground." Becca turned her head to look at Ellie again. "That scared me a little. When the intensity was really ramped up I was focused entirely on her.”
Ellie gave herself a few moments to think about that, to let the emotions settle. The jealousy spiked because it confirmed what she’d seen, but then the other thing kicked in and she knew it was fine. Indeed, she knew it was a core part of what they’d done… this wasn’t about Becca putting on some kind of elaborate sex show for her benefit, this was about seeing Becca do something real and the intoxicating blend of emotions it triggered.
"I think that's ok," Ellie said carefully. "I think that's probably what has to happen for it to be real. If you were always performing for me, always conscious of me watching, it wouldn't be genuine. The fact that you got lost in it for a while... that's what made it so incredible to watch. I could see it happen. I could see the moment you stopped thinking about me and just... gave yourself to her."
Becca looked at her with an expression of quiet amazement. "You're not upset?"
"No. I'm..." Ellie searched for the right word. "Grateful. That you told me. That honesty is so important. And also, honestly, it's part of what makes this so hot for me. The idea that you could get so lost in someone else that you forget about me, even for a few seconds or a few minutes... that's terrifying and also the most erotic thing I can imagine."
Becca shook her head slowly. "How are you this ok with this? This should be causing problems for us and instead it's making us closer. I couldn’t be fine with it the other way around.”
"I don't know. Maybe because we talk about everything. Maybe because I trust you. Maybe because I'm wired weird."
"You're not wired weird." Becca kissed her shoulder. "You're wired perfectly."
They were quiet for a while, comfortable in the silence, hands still held between them.
"So," Ellie said eventually. "We did it."
"We did it."
"And it was amazing."
"It was amazing."
"Do we want to do it again? Honest answer.”
Becca smiled at the ceiling. "Ask me again tomorrow, but right now… yes. Very much yes. You?"
"Very much yes." Ellie paused. "Who or how I don’t know. Kelly sounded like she’d be keen on a rematch, but we should be careful. She’s amazing and I’d happily watch you with her again, don’t get me wrong. But we should test some of the variables here, see what works.”
Becca laughed. “Tell me you’re a scientist without telling me you’re a scientist!”
“What are you saying about my pillow talk?” Ellie joked back.
Becca’s laugh turned to a smile before she nodded slowly. "That's smart though. You want to know if it's the situation that does it for you or the specific person."
"Exactly. And you should know too. Whether what you felt tonight was about Kelly or about the dynamic itself."
"I think I already know it's the dynamic," Becca said. "Kelly was great but what made it incredible was you watching. I think almost anyone could have been in Kelly's position and it would have worked, as long as the chemistry was there."
"Almost anyone?"
Becca thought about it. "It has to be someone I'm genuinely attracted to. Someone I can lose myself in, at least a little. Someone who makes you feel that thing… the jealousy that turns into desire. If any of those elements are missing, I don't think it works."
