She turned her head.
Jess was already turning hers.
They looked at each other for what felt like a long time. Sarah was thinking, very clearly, that she could still leave. She could stand up, laugh, say something deflecting, walk out, and Jess would let her. Jess, she now understood, was never going to make this happenforher. Jess was going to make her do it herself.
So she did.
Sarah leaned in and kissed her.
What surprised her was that it felt natural, right, familiar. Softer lips, more playful, more fun than with a guy, but kissing was kissing and Sarah had kissed her fair share of people. She’d thought, when she’d imagined it, that it would be something entirely different but it wasn’t, it was just a kiss… an excellent, amazing, life changing kiss, but a kiss. Seven weeks of pretending not to look came down all at once to Jess’s mouth being soft and tasting of gin, and Jess sighing as their kiss deepened and their tongues met. Sarah’s whole body responded with ayesthat was so unequivocal that she thought she might melt on the spot.
Sarah didn’t know how long it went on for. Long enough that her back ached from the angle against the hard wall. Long enoughthat Jess’s hand had moved up to her waist, was now under the hem of her top, fingers pushed flat against the bare skin of her side, not moving, just there, tantalising with the possibility of what might come next. Long enough that they’d shifted and Jess was almost in her lap, Sarah’s hands on Jess’s waist, the softness of their chests pushed together a glorious contrast to the men that Sarah had been with before. The lips, the tongue, the hands, the body… these were going to live in Sarah’s head forever.
Then it caught up with her.
This was Jess. This was a girl. Sarah had spent nineteen years being who she thought she needed to be, and that person was not allowed to do this. The whole mental construct of who she was started flashing in her head and she panicked, properly panicked.
She pulled back.
Jess looked at her, very still, eyes bright, lips parted, breathing hard… and a part of Sarah thought,she wants me, she wants me as much as I want her, before the other, more sensible part of her said,you’re straight, don’t do this.
“You’ve got a girlfriend," Sarah said.
Jess just looked at her, saying nothing.
“I’m straight,” Sarah added.
Jess took her hand in hers and it felt so good, so right, but so wrong.
“I should go.” Sarah rushed to stand, knocking over the glass on the carpet. “Oh, God, sorry…” She leaned down to pick it up, uncharacteristically flustered.
“It’s ok,” Jess said, still sat, looking up at her. “Don’t worry about it.”
Sarah didn’t know whether she was talking about what had just happened between them or the spilled drink.
“I…” Sarah started to say.
“It’s ok,” Jess repeated, with a hint of a smile that told Sarah this wasn’t the first time she’d had another woman completely freak out about kissing her.
Sarah slipped her shoes on and headed for the door. As she opened she said, “I’m sorry, I just…”
Jess simply nodded. “It’s ok.”
***
Back in her room Sarah threw herself on her bed and lay there feeling wretched.I just blew it, she thought.I’m in love with her and that was everything I wanted and I panicked and blew it.
She stood, pulling her shoes on, thinking to go back to Jess’s room, but then she stopped and took them off again.Jess has Steph, she’ll have seen common sense by now, best we pretend it never happened.
Eventually Sarah got changed into her pyjamas, brushed her teeth and climbed into bed but, with the lights off, it wasworse… cycling between berating herself for not being braver, mortification that she’d just kissed a woman, and breathlessly replaying what had been, without a doubt, the best kiss of her life.
***
Later, much later, she still couldn’t sleep when she heard a soft knock on her door. Sarah froze, not sure if she was imagining things, her heart pounding in her ears, then she heard it again.
Climbing out of bed she went to the door and pulled it open, blinking in the light from the landing.
Jess was stood there, wearing joggers and a hoody, her hair up in a bun, and Sarah’s first thought was,my God she is hot.
