Amy instinctively reached out to take Sarah’s hand in hers. It was something about the searing honesty in her voice that made her want to comfort her. Sarah looked surprised for a moment, then she smiled and held on tight. Amy couldn’t deny it felt good, to feel physical contact, even if anything more was firmly off the table that evening.
“I know that doesn’t justify it, I know that some women’s personal lives have blown up, I know that I’ve been selfish and that the power imbalance is wrong. I know all of that. So here’s what I’m going to do… while you’re away, I’m going to speak to the other four current mentees and end the sexual side of it. Nomore quid pro quo. If someone wants to keep seeing me, then of course that’s different, but it’s entirely separate. Same for any new mentees, it’s a strictly non-sexual arrangement. Does that work for you?”
Amy nodded gratefully. “Yes, it does. I’m pleased you’ve seen it and that you’re going to do something about it. How about… the rest of it?”
“Hugo?”
“Yeah. Or, your idea of how we could look.”
Sarah looked down and when she looked back up there was a hint of defiance. “Amy… I like you a lot. A lot. You feel like you could be another Jess or Chloe to me. You are, I think. But I can’t blow up my marriage, mess with my children, all of those things on a possibility. That’s too much, particularly when I know you’ve got someone else in LA and… you said on Monday night you were going to date people now.”
“If this could be real, you need to treat it like that.”
“I will. But you need to understand what you’re asking. Think about you and James the last few days, I can tell how agonising that’s been even if you seem certain it’s actually the right thing. Now imagine adding two children and a marriage and an entire life built around that.”
“I’m not asking you to tell him tomorrow,” Amy said carefully. “But I’m asking you to be honest with yourself about the endgame. Know what it would look like and tell me how you see it. I need to know if we started dating seriously that there’s a future that’s viable.”
“I know.” Sarah’s voice had dropped almost to a whisper. “Give me time. Please. Give me until you’re back from LA to work out how I’d see the endgame. I owe it to you to be able to tell you something that can work, but I need time to think.”
Amy considered it. It wasn’t the full set of answers she’d demanded on Monday, it was only a partial fulfilment of her terms, but it was absolutely a start and a huge step in the right direction. It was honest, and Amy could see that she was taking it seriously.
“Ok. That’s fair. It’s enough for now.”
Sarah visibly relaxed. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. Just do it. The mentees I mean… actually do it. Don’t tell me you’re going to and then find ways out.”
“I will. I promise.”
Sarah looked at Amy and a faint hint of something crossed her expression. They were still holding hands, but nothing more. Sarah’s fingertips started to drag, ever so slowly, across Amy’s hand and Amy felt herself responding in exactly the way that she always responded. Alone, no one to disturb them, the evening ahead of them… it would be so, so easy to close the gap between them. So easy.
“I should go and leave you to pack,” Sarah said, not moving a muscle.
“You should.”
“Or…” Sarah hesitated. “Or I could stay here tonight? Enjoy the evening together before you go.”
Amy felt it pull at her. Sarah in her bed, Sarah’s body against hers, one more night before three weeks apart. It would be so easy to say yes. So easy, to remind each other of what they had.
“I’m tempted,” Amy heard herself say. “God, I’m so tempted. But no, not tonight.”
“Why?” Sarah looked surprised.
“Because you need to do what you’ve said you’ll do. I can’t say what I said on Monday then jump into bed with you two days later before you’ve done any of it. That’s not how this works.”
Sarah let go of her hand and stood. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I just don’t want you to be right.”
Amy stood too. “Neither do I.”
She walked Sarah to the front door, and paused with her hand on the latch. On instinct she leaned across and hugged Sarah, a hug that Sarah returned with interest, a tight hug that neither woman wanted to let go of. There was a moment, brief, when they pulled apart where they were close, a pause, and Amy realised she was holding her breath… if Sarah leaned in that would do it, she’d kiss her and common sense be damned.
But then Sarah smiled and said, “Have a safe flight.”
Amy opened the door. “We’ll message and talk while I’m there?”
Sarah nodded, smiled a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, and walked towards the lift. Amy closed the door, leaned backagainst it, and let out a long breath before reaching for her phone. She’d had several messages come through while she was talking to Sarah, but had resisted the temptation to check.
A message from James, practical, checking on when she was flying and whether he could move her clothes to the spare room while she was away. Hardly an unreasonable request given the circumstances, and she had no objections.
