“Stop. There’s no need to apologise. What you said hurt, but it was right. And the thing is I knew it was right, and I knew that I’ve been fooling myself. You held up a mirror to me and I wasn’t a fan of what I saw.” She paused to take a sip of her tea and Amy waited for her to continue, giving her time. A smile played across her lips. “I’d like to tell you a story.”
Amy smiled back. “Does it end with a question?”
“No, not this time.” Sarah’s grin couldn't hide her cheeks going red, and Amy tried not to notice how cute she looked when she was embarrassed. “I want to tell you about me. Really aboutme. And then, when I’m done, maybe you’ll understand me. You asked me how I’m any different to the man who… from when you were a trainee, and I couldn’t answer it properly on Monday. I can now. The answer might not be much better, but at least it’s different. And then… then, I’ll explain what I’m going to do about it.” She paused and smiled again. “Spoiler alert, I need to change. Does that sound ok?”
Amy nodded slowly. “Perfect. And Sarah… take your time. Seriously. I can pack all night if I have to.” She appreciated what this meant to Sarah, to open herself up so much. One of the aspects of the power imbalance from their relationship to date was an information asymmetry. Sarah knew an awful lot about Amy, but there were whole areas of Sarah’s life that had been off limits until now. It would be good to fill in some of those gaps.
“So… I’ve been into women for years. Years. I always noticed women growing up, I think I told you before that I played a lot of sport, still do when I can. I had… well, the boarding school I went to it was all girls and you’d spend a lot of time in close proximity and I started to think… God, you know what I mean. But I never did anything about it, despite some massive crushes. I was terrified of being labelled the dyke, even though in hindsight, particularly towards the end, quite a few of my friends were hopping in and out of each other’s beds. It was like it was cool if you were straight and experimenting, but not cool if it was who you were.” She shook her head and smiled at Amy. “Teenage years can mess you up, right?”
“Oh, completely,” Amy agreed. “That must have been hard for you?”
“Absolutely… and I just played the game to be one of the cool, sporty kids. Dated a couple of guys from the boys’ boardingschool that we did socials with, that sort of thing. Keeping up appearances.
“When I went to university I kept on doing that. I had a boyfriend for most of my first year and it was fine. He was a good person, he was good to me, we worked well together. But then in my second year I met Jess…”
Sarah trailed off and stared down into her tea. Amy could see there was real emotion there, a memory that still meant a lot to Sarah all these years later.
“At Cambridge the college community was tight, I’m sure it was the same for you and your Oxford college. Friendships straddle year groups, everyone knew each other’s business. It was the start of my second year, Jess was a new fresher. She played hockey for the uni like me, and I was assigned as her buddy… everyone got a buddy from the year above to help them settle. We got on well immediately, and we started to hang out quite a lot.” Sarah looked back at Amy. “I’m sure you can see where this is going?”
“Yeah, I think so. But I’d like to hear it, if you want to tell.”
“I do. She was openly gay, had a girlfriend from home who was at Bristol, I think. That old cliche of thinking they’d be the ones to buck the trend and have their relationship survive despite going to different universities.” Sarah shrugged and Amy smiled… every couple thought they’d make it, but very few actually did. There were too many distractions, temptation at every turn. “End of her first term we were hanging out in her room after a night out, a group of us, people started drifting off to bed until it was just us and… no surprise here, I don’t know what exactly triggered it but when it was just the two of us we ended upkissing on her bed. My first time kissing another woman. I loved it.”
Sarah paused to take a sip of her tea.
“Right up until I suddenly freaked out. I’d spent so long suppressing my true sexuality that when I finally did something about it I got scared, and I didn’t know why. I remember suddenly getting up, making some silly joke, and then running off back to my room where I lay on my bed thinking about how incredible it had felt and cursing myself for having not stayed to see where it would go, but also berating myself for slipping from being the woman I’d always presented to the world.
“Jess… well I couldn’t sleep, and neither could she. She came to my room in the early hours, knocked on the door and…” Sarah smiled at the memory. “I didn’t freak out that time.”
Amy nodded in understanding but said nothing, giving Sarah the room to say what she needed to say.
“Jess was completely relaxed about it, when we woke up the next morning it felt right. We started seeing each other in secret because she understood how hard it would be for me to openly be in a relationship with her, at least to start with. She ended it with her girlfriend at the start of the holidays, we visited each other’s houses to stay, and it continued when term started in January. She got that it was a big step for me to date another woman, so we both lived this kind of double life… our friends and out teammates were oblivious, but then we’d sneak into each other’s room late at night and sneak out again early. We nearly got caught a few times but we could always pass it off as one of us was just hanging out with the other. It was good.” Sarah paused. “Am I making sense?”
“Completely.” Amy smiled encouragingly. This honesty from Sarah was so refreshing. “What happened?”
“She wanted us to go public, she couldn’t really see why it was a big deal for me for us not to, not after we’d been seeing each other for a while. And it shouldn’t have been. But I couldn’t get past it… I was worried about what it would mean, my parents, my friends, everything.
“What I didn’t realise at the time, but I have since, is how much it hurt Jess. I loved her, she loved me, we said it and we meant it. Yet I wasn’t willing to tell anyone, and she took it to mean I was ashamed of her. It’s probably the biggest regret of my whole life… what could have been if I’d accepted it and been proud to be in love with her rather than almost ashamed.”
Sarah voice wobbled and Amy could see the emotion. She looked like she was about to cry but held it in.
“She gave me an ultimatum at the end of the summer term and, like a fool, I insisted I couldn’t go public. I guess maybe I thought it was a bluff, except it wasn’t. She dumped me and… God, I regret it so much. I threw myself into relationships from there, with men, trying to force myself to get past it and I did, kind of. I met Hugo, my husband, and he was good for me. And I settled down to live the straight woman’s life I thought I should, rather than be who I was.”
Sarah fell silent, though Amy could tell there was more. Watching Sarah, she looked a curious mix of wretched and honest, utterly incongruous with the smartly dressed businesswoman who’d come through the door. Amy stood and walked over to the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling outthe bottle of wine that Sarah had brought with her. “I think we might need this after all.”
Sarah smiled weakly. “I think we might.”
Amy returned with the bottle and two glasses, then hesitated for a second before instinctively sitting on the sofa, next to Sarah, half turned to look at her. The armchair had started to feel a little like an interview or an interrogation, almost confrontational, and Amy didn’t want that. She liked Sarah very much after all, even after what had been said on Monday, and the way that Sarah was opening up to her was so refreshing that she wanted to encourage it.
“I never knew,” Amy said as they settled back again with wine glasses in hand, “that you’d had that sort of relationship.”
“I’m full of surprises.”
“I feel like there’s more?”
Sarah grinned. “Plenty. You sure you’ve got time?”
“As long as you need.”
