“I wanted to qualify into that area, so I did what we tell every trainee to do… I worked hard, I spent as much time as I could networking and taking on extra responsibilities, I did all I could to make myself such an obvious candidate to qualify into that department. The associates I worked, the more junior ones who’d gossip with a trainee, all reckoned I was a shoe in.”
Sarah had an inkling where this was going. “Amy, you don’t need to…”
“Yes, I do. This is important. And you need to listen.” Amy’s voice was steady but Sarah could see the tension beneath it. "There was one of the senior associates who oversaw the trainees, he was next up for partnership and I think the partners were giving him partner-y tasks so that he could prove he deserved it. In all fairness they must have been impressed because he made partner not long after. He’s left the firm now, he’s somewhere else. I’m not going to name him, that wouldn’t be fair.
“So I was talking to him quite often about what to do to qualify into the team, all that sort of thing, and he was very helpful. Then one night, I got invited along to a client dinner. Big honour for a trainee, you know?” Sarah nodded her understanding. Most trainees didn’t add a lot to client entertainment, and there was always the risk they’d say something unwise, so an invite tended to be saved as a reward for the high flyers who could be trusted. “I was thrilled. Wore my best dress and heels that day, and I remember my flatmates teasing me about it a little. I felt like it was make or break.
“Drinks before, Michelin two starred dinner, something like that, plenty of wine. I was sat next to the client’s CFO on one side, a guy in his forties, charisma like you wouldn’t believe.” Amy took a sip of her wine and smiled bitterly. “I didn’t understand the game back then. Put the pretty young trainee next to whoever on the client team might appreciate them most. It is what it is, right?”
Sarah smiled sympathetically. “Not so much anymore. Certainly not on any of my client dinners.”
“No, but it still happens for others. Anyway, we all went on to a club after, more drinks, and it got late and I needed to get a cab home. The senior associate offered to share with me, he lived nearby.”
“Oh, Amy…” Sarah started to say.
“Don’t.” Amy shook her head. “This matters.” She took another sip of her wine and Sarah could see that she was composing herself. “We were sat in the taxi, chatting, a bit drunk but nothing too bad. I certainly knew what I was doing. And then he said…” She shook her head again. “God, I remember it perfectly even now. He said, ‘I like you. You can go far. But it’s a really competitive bench this year. Lots of good trainees’”.
Sarah closed her eyes briefly. She knew exactly what that meant. Every trainee knew. It was the language that partners and senior associates used when the message wasyou’re good, but good might not be good enough. Coming from someone who had influence over the qualification decisions, in the back of a taxi late at night… it could only mean one thing.
“I simply stayed silent,” Amy continued. “I wasn’t sure where he was going. It felt a little incongruous to be getting an impromptu appraisal at that moment, to be honest. But then he said, ‘Come back to my place, for another drink. We can see what you can do to get to the head of the queue.’ Those were his words.Head of the queue.
“And I said, ‘I’ve got a boyfriend.’ Which was… complicated. James and I were on and off back then, and at that exact moment we were off, but it was messy and I certainly wasn’t looking to start anything with anyone else. But I said it mainly because I wanted to give him an out. Both of us an out. And hejust…” Amy shook her head slightly. “He laughed. Not cruelly, just this confident laugh as if I’d said something mildly amusing. And he said, ‘He doesn’t need to know. One drink. No pressure.’” Amy sighed. “Which of course meant all the pressure in the world.”
Amy paused there and took a drink of her wine, followed by a long, slow breath. Sarah simply sat listening in silence, knowing that Amy deserved the room to say what she clearly needed to say… this felt like a confession, one that Amy had needed for a long time.
“But here’s the thing I need to be honest with myself about. He was good looking. I’d noticed it before, at work, you know… as you do. And sat next to him in the back of the taxi, him telling me I could go far, singling me out. I was flattered. I knew the subtext, I wasn’t stupid, but I was also twenty-four and a good looking man who we all knew was going to make partner soon was telling me I was special. Those two things were tangled up together and I couldn’t separate them… I’m not sure I wanted to.
“I looked out of the taxi window.” She was staring into her wine glass, caught up in the reminiscence. “I remember what I saw, even now… we were about half way back, there was a kebab shop, a queue for a grubby nightclub, a couple arguing on the pavement. Normal Thursday night stuff. And I was sat there next to him, and I knew exactly what he meant, and I was running through the options in my head. I could say no, get out, go home, take my chances with the rest of the competitive bench. Or I could say yes.”
Amy looked up to fix her gaze on Sarah again, and Sarah could see what telling this story was costing her. “Amy, you don’t needto tell me all this. You can if you want, I’ll listen, but you don’t have to.”
“I want to. I’ve never told a soul, but you need to hear this.” She hesitated, then continued. “Yes or no. What decision to make? The thing is, Sarah, I didn’t have anyone to ask. I was twenty-four years old, half drunk, and I had no frame of reference for any of this. I remember thinking, maybe this is just how it works? Maybe this is what the other trainees are doing too, the ones who seem to glide through? Maybe I’d be stupid not to? Two years of my life, all those evenings and weekends I’d given to the firm, and it all came down to this one decision they’d make about who to qualify. What’s a few hours to secure my future career? Fair deal when you think about it like that.” Amy’s voice was bitter. “That’s what I told myself. Fair deal.”
Amy fell silent for a few seconds. “So I told him yes, I’d love another drink.”
Sarah sat still, barely breathing. She could feel herself being pulled into Amy’s story, the detail, the awful reality that resonated so much with some of her own experiences as a trainee and with the experience of other women she knew, too. She wanted to reach across the table, to take Amy’s hand in hers, to reassure her, but something told her not to, to hold back.
“The taxi pulled up outside his building. He had the penthouse apartment, of course he did, in an old converted theatre. I remember my heels loud on the lobby floor as we walked to the lifts. I remember catching a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, and thinkingGod I look good tonight. What a stupid thing to think at that moment, but I did… best dress, best makeup, the works.
“His flat was spotless, large, expensively furnished. He poured me a drink, I can’t even remember what it was, something expensive. He was that kind of guy. He showed me out on to his small roof terrace, a view towards the city, and to be fair it was impressive compared to my flat share with friends. We stood with our drinks and made small talk, normal things, and…” Amy paused, and what came next seemed to take some effort. There was a brutal honesty to it. “I was enjoying myself. Whenever something in my head saidwhat the hell are you doingI pushed it down, because he was charming and funny, he asked good questions and actually listened to my answers. He made me feel interesting, not just attractive. And I was on a break from James, I didn’t know if we were getting back together. I was single and free to do what I wanted. I knew the subtext hadn’t gone away, I knew why I was there, but I could convince myself that there was more to it.”
Sarah realised that she was gripping her wine glass far too tightly and put it down gently. She glanced around the bar. Nobody was paying the slightest attention, of course they weren’t. The world was carrying on, utterly indifferent.
“Eventually he put his glass down and his hand on my hip, and I didn’t flinch. He took that as his cue to lean in and kiss me. I remember… his mouth tasted of the whisky he’d been drinking. I pulled back and said, ‘I’ve got a boyfriend,’ again, one last time, giving him the out. Honestly, though, I said it because I thought I had to. He just smiled and said, ‘I’m fine with it just being tonight, if you are.’” Amy shook her head again. “So reasonable, so considerate. I realised after that that made it better for him… I wasn’t just the pretty trainee any more, I was the pretty trainee who was choosing him over her boyfriend that night. When he kissed me again, I kissed him back and I… I remember thinkingto myselfwhat does he want me to do here?I knew that I had to perform my role… a horrible way to think about it, but it was true. I put my arms around him and let him pull me against him while we kissed. And then, after a while, he pulled away and said, ‘Shall we go through?’ Casual as anything, like he was suggesting we sit down to watch a movie.” She paused. “And I said yes.”
Amy took another sip of her wine. Her hand, Sarah noticed, was perfectly steady, but Sarah could see that Amy’s other hand, the one resting on the table, was pressing her thumbnail hard into her palm. Amy didn’t seem to have noticed. Sarah herself realised she’d been holding her breath and let it out slowly. The background noise of the bar seemed to have receded, as if it was coming from very far away.
“He took my hand and led me into the bedroom. I remember it… white sheets, dark wood furniture, soft lighting. Expensive and classy. He went into the bathroom to brush his teeth, which struck me as an oddly considerate thing to do in the circumstances, and I look at his bed and thought,right, you’re doing this… what would be nice for him?So I took off my dress, folded it carefully and put it on a chair, along with my underwear and tights. Then I got into his bed, I pulled the duvet up to my chest and I waited.”
“He came out of the bathroom naked. And I…” Amy’s voice caught, just a little, before she steadied herself. “He was very good looking. I won’t pretend otherwise. Gym body, very toned. But it was seeing him naked, seeing that he was already hard, God, I’d be lying if I said I felt nothing. It thrilled me. He had a confidence in how he walked, nothing to hide, unashamed of how obvious it was that he wanted me, it was… erotic, I guess is the word. There was something else mixed in with it, theawareness of what it really was, but the attraction was real and I felt it. He was walking towards me, wanting me, and there was a part of me that wanted to be wanted like that.”
Amy paused, and the silence stretched on.
"He got into bed and we were kissing and his hands were on me and mine were on him, and then he was inside me and…" Amy looked down at her wine glass. "There was a moment. A flash of clarity, this bed, this man, why I was really there, and I could feel it rising up, all the reasons this was wrong. But I pushed it down. I let it go. Because by then the momentum of everything, him, the flat, the drink, the feeling of being desired, was carrying me and it was easier to let myself be carried than to stop and confront what I was actually doing. So I pushed the clarity down and I let myself get carried away."
Sarah could see the tiniest tremor next to Amy’s eye, barely noticeable, but enough to tell her what her outward composure was costing.
“The first time was quick. Very quick.” Amy smiled, and it was the bitterest smile that Sarah had ever seen. “I guess I must have looked very, very good that night.” Sarah wasn’t sure whether that was meant to be a joke, but neither of them laughed. “He was on top of me and it was over in a minute, maybe two. I faked an orgasm because it felt like the right thing to do for his fantasy. He used protection, and he wasn’t rough or unkind… he kissed me afterwards and told me I was gorgeous." Amy paused. "And I was flattered. In the moment, genuinely flattered. A good looking man had just had sex with me and was looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. It felt good to hear." She shook her head slightly. "Then he rolled off me andI lay there and thought, ok, that wasn't too bad, I’ve had worse, but no way we’re done.
