Alba nodded. “It’s why I’ve been making myself scarce. I didn’t wantto pressure you. This decision should be entirely yours and not influenced by anyone else around you.”
“I thought Shaw said something to you about—never mind.” No need to overexplain or dwell. I’d concocted a story in lieu of just asking her. Relief and appreciation swelled in me, filling my heart and inspiring a new set of tears.
Alba ran a hand through her golden mane, tucking it behind her ear as she said, “The regent has never been bound, and there’s a reason for that. He seems to think this is right. But no matter if you’re royalty or a commoner in this Hive, you are an equal part of the ceremony.Youhave to choose. It’s whatyouwant.”
It wasn’t unlike the speech Rhazien had given me, but when he spoke to me about it, I knew his desired outcome. It was the illusion of choice and that gnawing sense of impending disappointment was always present.
Alba, who also had much to gain from my agreement to be bound, didn’t press. Didn’t inquire. She didn’t diminish the weight of it, but she also didn’t make me feel like the entire fate of diplomatic relations between vampires and humans hung on my choice.
“Thank you,” I said, sniffling. Her weighted words landed like a feather.
“You’re welcome,” she said softly. “And, regardless of your choice, your life still matters, Reyva. I think we tend to put our worth in things outside ourselves. I want you to know, even if you don’t do this, you still matter.”
Tears fell with abandon. I felt both seen and exposed, and I was embarrassed.
We sat there together in a comfortable silence, one I thought was only achievable when you’ve known someone a long while. She was a better friend to me than anyone had ever claimed to be in Illica’s court.
“I can’t see him tonight,” I said as my emotions subsided and I worked to compose myself.
She stood with purpose and wrapped her veil over her head. “I’ll send word you’re unwell.”
“I don’t deserve you.” I looked up at her through blurry eyes. “Thank you.”
Before she left, she placed her hand on my shoulder. “It will be okay.”
Will it? Could it?
The door shut softly behind her and I turned to face my reflection.
Mentally, I was back in human keep. Sunken cheeks. Pale skin.Confused. I pulled at the bags under my eyes and tucked my hair behind my ears.
It seemed too simple and so silly not to consider it—what Alba had said.
It will be okay.
I wondered if I said it, if the feeling would sink into my bones and chase away the hopelessness and dread that had taken residence within me.
“It will be okay,” I said to myself as I sat up straighter.
“Itwillbe okay,” I repeated, stronger than the time before, and a small kernel of strength I thought I’d lost planted itself in my chest. The words watered it, gave it the sun it needed. I could host it. Nurture it into existence.
“I—” I started, faltering before leaning back into the mantra. “I matter. And I will be okay.”
Chapter 33
Reassigned
Ihad declined Rhazien’s invitations to dine or visit him since he’d returned from the Northern Hive, which meant he’d doubled the amount of gifts he sent me daily. Every surface in my room was covered in black boxes with satin bows. Most of which remained unopened, all of which were accompanied by a handwritten note. And they all ended the same, ‘Love, Rhazien.’
Love.
Rhazien loved me.
He wasin lovewith me.
And so was Dommik.
I hadn’t seen him either, which was probably for the best. His words had burrowed their way deep into my soul. I would toss and turn, repeating them to myself. Comparing what he’d said to every memory I had since meeting him. Looking for any sign of friction or lies. But there were none.
