Rhazien let out a soft laugh and smile before wetting his lips. Disappointment bounced across my bones as his hesitation lasted second after agonizing second.
“I—love our time together,” he started.
Too vague.
“And we’re a sensible match.”
Too broad.
“And you’ll make a great Queen.”
Too overwhelming.
I chewed on my lip at the final word. Queen. Seated next to but presumably never perfectly equal to Rhazien, who would be raised from Regent to King of all hives.
For the greater good. For progress between vampires and humans of Atoris.
“You…still want to be bound. Right?”
I thought of what he wanted to accomplish—pushing the vampire and human relations into an even more cooperative state. We could build new cities with citizens, vampires, and humans alike. Thepromised future seemed brighter, better…for everyone else. Everyone but me.
Could I be happy?
Could I be truly, genuinely happy? Did it matter if I was happy?
“I’m—” I started before the tears began again.
Scared. Unsure.
A cacophony of feelings rose to the surface. I imagined Rhazien was able to see them intermixed with the traces of his touch.
“I’m just very tired,” I said.
Rhazien pulled me across the gap, onto his lap, and held me there.
“It’s okay,” he said, softening as I unraveled.
The tighter he held me, the more I withdrew.
It’s a phase, I thought.This feeling…it’ll pass. I could love Rhazien. Then Dommik could be free to let me go. It would do the most good for the most people.
And as my thoughts found their way back to my original concern, my seemingly unavoidable fate, I began to spiral again.
For two days, my existence consisted of tirelessly talking myself out of and back into accepting Rhazien’s shadow. Reminding myself constantly of all the good that would come from it. Because who was I to deny future generations progress? Peace? A better life?
When the mission became too outlandish, I brought my thoughts back to Lydia—what I wanted Atoris to be for her, for her future. Imagining her face reignited my sense of purpose and belief in Rhazien’s goals.
With Rhazien returned, he took to studyingThe Sourcewith Oddo, removing me from the research and any opportunity to conjure a vision.
“You’ve been through so much, you need rest,”Rhazien had said when I’d asked to visit the Master of Archives.
Interesting of him to think he was the one who knew what I needed when his knowledge barely broke the surface of who I was. I thought of Dommik and my chambers being absent of lilies, of the horse Rhazien gifted me I’d refused to ride, of how he knew exactly when to give me space, or not. Dommik knew me so entirely—so effortlessly—it felt natural and seamless.
Could I count that against Rhazien? Just because he didn’t know nowdidn’t mean he couldn’t know or wouldn’t try to learn. Especially if we lived an immortal life together. We’d have all the time in the world.
That is, if I accepted his shadow…
All the while, Shaw’s question echoed incessantly in my mind:who is he to you?
