Derek wants a villain, but I'm just not sure he's pointed at the right one.
5
OLIVIA
"Higher, Mom!"
I give Ethan another push and the swing arcs up into the shade of the big oaks that line the playground at the community park. He kicks his legs out and laughs when the chains go slack for a second at the top.
"That's about as high as my arms can go, buddy." And it's about as high as I feel safe letting him go. This kid has a death wish or something. I'm lucky he's not trying to ramp his bike off the garage roof. He loves risk taking and I'm terrified he's going to hurt himself one day.
"No it's not. You're not even trying." He twists around on the seat to look at me with that grin that makes it impossible to say no to him despite my reservations. Oh, to be young and fearless again. I just want him to be cautious. But I don't want to steal his security right out of his heart. I know how that feels, and it's wrecked me as an adult.
"I'm trying. You're just getting too heavy for me." I push him again and put my back into it this time. The swing sails higher,and he whoops so loudly, a couple of kids on the climbing structure look over. They want to see what Ethan can do and he eats it up.
"Did you see that? I almost went over the bar!"
"You did not almost go over the bar." I'm chuckling, but I admire his gusto.
"I was close."
"You weren't close." I catch the swing on the backswing and push him again. I'm beginning to sweat, but the shade and the breeze make this day pleasant. For late April, it's already warm enough that my T-shirt is sticking to my back, but this is exactly where I want to be on a Saturday afternoon.
"Mom, do you think I could do a backflip off the swing if I jumped?"
"Absolutely not."
"But what if I practiced first?"
"Still no. You'd land on your head and I'd have to explain it to the doctor." He has no idea his words give my heart a jolt of panic, and I feel like stopping the swing so he doesn't impulsively try to do it on his own. That's just what I need, some catastrophic injury to back up Derek's claims.
He thinks about that for a second while he swings. "What if I landed on my feet?"
"Then I'd be very impressed and also very upset with you." I push him one more time and step to the side to catch my breath. My arms are burning and he's got enough momentum to keep going on his own for a while. "I want you to be safe, okay?"
I drop onto the bench a few feet away and grab my water bottle from the cooler. The park has a good crowd today and kids are everywhere—running across the grass, hanging off the monkey bars, chasing each other around the pavilion. It's such a beautiful day, it feels like everyone is out and about.
"Mom, watch this!" Ethan drags his feet to slow down, then jumps off the swing and sticks the landing with both arms out like a gymnast. It's not the way I'd prefer him to dismount, but at least he slowed himself so he didn't launch twenty feet in the air first.
"Nine out of ten," I tell him. His face beams with pride, but I cringe at encouraging it. I remember being a kid doing this stuff, but I also had two parents who remained married and loved me dearly. If I made a silly choice and got hurt, it would never have been held against me. I can't say that for Ethan and his father's choice to berate me.
"What? That was a perfect ten."
"Your left foot wobbled," I say, pointing.
"It did not!" He runs back to the swing and climbs on again, pumping his legs hard. "Push me again when you come back."
"Give me one minute. My arms need a break." I flex my fingers and shake them out. "I think you actually gave me a cramp."
"That's because you don't work out, Mom." He's so matter of fact, just like his father. In fact, he probably got that line from his father who likes to talk crap about me behind my back. I don't have time to go to a gym. I barely have time to remember to shower and brush my teeth every day.
"Excuse me? I mow the lawn with a push mower." I wink at him and he grins.
"That's not working out, Mom. Dad goes to the gym."
Insert sarcastic, snarky comment about Derek here—but in reality, I can't. I won't be the one who bashes his father to him. One day, Ethan will grow up and make assessments on his own and when he does, I want him to know I only spoke good of Derek because a boy needs his father. What Derek is doing to degrade my relationship with my son now will only come back and bite him later.
"It felt like working out." I walk back over and give him another push, lighter this time so he doesn’t scare me to death. He groans at the difference and kicks his legs harder to compensate. "Don't give me that look. I'm doing my best."
