And a man in her life.
I shook my head, unable to stop letting the nagging thoughts cut through my concentration.
Starting a family wasn’t something I could expect. How could I when my only family was my father, a man who wasn’t paternal in the slightest, a boss who never considered the possibility of my being anything but his private asset in the office?
But how did it happen?
This isn’t an overnight phenomenon.
It’s not as though yesterday, I was just a regular accountant and today, I’m a sneaky bookkeeper for crime families.
Where did I go wrong? In wanting to believe he cared and would value or consider my happiness?
When did he push me to be this involved and in this deep? Sometime through my eagerness to please him with this stupid and fucked-up wish that getting his approval would equal love?
“It’s like it’s meant to be,” Linda-Lisa gloated out there. “Some stroke of fate or magic at play. I guess I’m just meant to be a mother.” Her titter of a giggle that followed was too much.
I couldn’t take it, hearing her haughty tone, bragging about expecting again.
Maybeherfate meant she could be a mother of two children.Herfate was to have the blessing of motherhood and a family who’d love her.
I got up and closed the door, hurrying to get back to my chair and my computer but also without slamming the door or making any noise to inconvenience anyone else.
How great for you, Linda-Lisa. Your fate is awesome. But you know what? Mine isn’t. My fate is to do my father’s dirty work of hiding where criminals’ money goes.
I let out a deep breath, ashamed to have such envious thoughts. Picturing such a different purpose had me fighting tears behind my lids.
Having a sweet baby to raise wouldn’t be a test of love or approval. I wouldn’t have to bend over backward and try to pass a test for an infant’s love. For the affection of my own child.
It would just be there in a natural and sweet bond. I’d never received such love since my mother passed away, but I could recall it in fleeting, small memories.
Okay. That’s enough.
I sniffled and wiped my eyes, knowing that this sadness signaled something deeper than burnout. It hinted at something more profound than feeling used and taken advantage of here.
It was the heart-breaking and solid proof that I would never be worthy of love.
Focus.
Concentrate, El. Just do your job and?—
“Elena!”
On instinct, I flinched. My body tensed as I hunched over more. Like a turtle. But I wasn’t one. I couldn’t burrow into a shell and hide after the sound of my father shouting for me.
I’d just closed the door to mute the happy chatter about Linda-Lisa’s good news.
Still, his bellow reached my ears.
Oh, God. Now what?
I gulped, regretting the coffee I’d chugged on the way here. Bile rose with the acidity of the black coffee.
Does he know about the errors in this transaction I okayed last night?
Fuck. Is he aware that an account is showing insufficient funds?
Panic had my heart beat flickering faster, double-time with palpitation.
