I didn’t know.A flare of jealousy moves through me.First she meets up with Kyle without me knowing, and now Seth?Who’s next, Damiano?
Oblivious to my ire, she continues, “I’ve done a lot of introspection, both before and after I talked to Seth.The thing with Kyle—which never got physical, I promise.I would tell you if it had.”
I nod, trying to hear past the hissing jealousy in my gut.
“The thing with Kyle,” she repeats, “is that I wanted to feel important.Not just to him, but to everyone in my life.And his attention felt forbidden.Like, ofcourseI was important if he would come over in the middle of the night to see me.It was so stupid.Iwas so stupid.”
“We were nineteen.We were all stupid.”It’s true.It doesn’t make any of this hurt less, but it’s true.
“Either way, it was wrong.”She pushes her untouched croissant toward me as an offering.“I knew it was wrong, and I think he did, too.And I’m sorry.I wish I’d never done it, and I wish you never had to find out like that.Mrs.Colton was awful to you, and my mom helped with her cruelty.”
I pick up half of her croissant, which has been filled with ham and cheese, and take a small bite.Here’s Eliza, apologizing to me for something that happened over five years ago.And she seems to recognize the harm—both then, and now.“Thanks for the croissant.And also—I forgive you.”
If Seth called her, it was for his own peace of mind.Not to start an affair.I tell the jealous monster in my heart to simmer down.It’s time to put this behind me.
“So,” I ask, “what did you and Kyle do all those nights he went over?”
“He didn’t actually come over all that often.It was only a few times…less than ten times, I’d say.We’d usually meet for a drink after work, talk for a bit, and then he’d go home to you.I was jealous, which is so ridiculous.But I was.I wanted what you guys had.Anyway, the few times he came over, we just talked.Sometimes there was a movie playing in the background, but we chatted.He talked about his relationship with you.Sometimes complaining about stupid stuff, like how you wanted him to clean up after himself.”
I sigh.“He was a dick about that.We both worked, but he wanted me to be a homemaker or something.”
“Yeah, looking back, he was kind of awful about it.”
“Do you think he would’ve grown out of that?”I ask.“I wonder sometimes.I wish he’d at least had a chance.Who would want to be frozen at nineteen in everyone’s memories?Not me.”
“Fuck no, not me, either.”Eliza laughs.“It really isn’t fair that he died so young.”
“No, it’s not.”
We sit in silence for a while.She takes a sip of her coffee.“Is there anything else you want to know?I’m not proud of what, I guess now, I’d call an emotional affair.But I’ll tell you whatever you need for closure.”
“No, I think I understand.”And I do.We were all young and stupid, is what it comes down to.I can forgive Eliza, and I can even forgive Kyle.“I should get going.”
“I don’t mind if you stay,” she says.“We could hang out.”
“Really?I guess I do have another question.Unrelated to Kyle.”
“Okay.”She waves her hand.“Go for it.”
“Well, it’s weird,” I say.“But you saying we could hang out reminded me of this.I don’t feel like anyone really wants to be my friend.Like, is something wrong with me?You can be honest—it won’t hurt my feelings.I just need to know.”
“I would be your friend in a heartbeat.”She offers me a smile.“I just always thought you were so independent and self-contained.Even back then.I got the feeling you didn’t want anyone around except Kyle.I mean, I’m a hot mess.I nearly had an affair with your husband.Why would someone who has their life together, want to hang with someone like me, who doesn’t know anything?”
“You think I have my life together?”I want to laugh, but she seems serious.“It’s always been the opposite.You should’ve seen my life before I inherited my great-aunt’s house.I had a tiny apartment with two roommates—both happened to be disgusting in their own way.I was practically mothering these men.And everyone hated me at my catering job.”
“They were probably intimidated by you.”Eliza twirls a strand of her curly auburn hair around her finger.“I know I am.You really do seem so…so self-sufficient.Like you know what you want in life and you’re going for it.”
I don’t see it, but I like this explanation more than something like,Hey, you have a toxic personality that you’ve been unaware of for years.
“We have a messy past,” Eliza says, “but I would totally hang out with you.I don’t expect you’d want that—I didn’t even expect you to forgive me.”
“I do,” I insist.“I forgive you, truly.We were idiots back then.Especially Kyle—he should’ve known better, too.”
Eliza nods.“He was a dick to say things about you and your relationship to me.And at the same time, I could tell he really loved you.I think that love kept him from crossing major lines with me.”
It’s a nice sentiment.I don’t know if it’s true, or if I can really believe my feelings anymore.Like, I know I love Seth and Damiano.And I know they love me.But is that kind of love enough?Could it ever be?
I pull back from the table.“I really appreciate your apology, and your explanations.They make things a lot clearer.”
