“I probably just need time,” Madison says.“Maybe there’s a problem that can’t be solved with anything but time.Not talking, not sex, not kink.Just…time.”
I nod and kiss her cheek.“Okay, sweetheart.I think I understand.But we still have to talk, and be together.We’re here for you, but you can’t pull away entirely, got it?”
“That’s fair.”She pulls me into a tight hug, then Damiano.“No pulling away.I promise.As long as you can understand when I need space to think about…well, everything I used to believe about my marriage to Kyle.”
I nod.“I’m struggling with it, too.If he was cheating, he’s not the brother I thought I knew.”
Her brow wrinkles.“You’re right.I never thought of how it would affect you?—”
“No.I don’t want you to worry about me.Just worry about you, okay?I’m fine.”
She hugs me again.
Damiano and I return to his car.We’re halfway home before Damiano speaks.“If your brother cheated on her…”
“Yeah.”I sigh.“If he did, he was a piece of shit.Worse, I didn’t even know it.And worse than that, my parents are rubbing Madison’s face in the whole fucking thing.My family’s fucked up.”
7
MADISON
It’s good that I went out.I’m glad I did it.Seth and Damiano both seem determined to prove that no matter how my faith has been shaken in my marriage to Kyle, they’re here for me.
And yet, as I slip out of my shoes and tug my dress up and over my head, I wonder if I can keep doing this.Pretending.
Probably not, because it’s obvious I suck at it.They both know something is wrong.And of course, they want to fix it.It’s in their nature.See a problem?Fix it.Throw money at it, or a hired guard.Talk it out.Fuck it out.
I just need time.
I think the worst part is that the entire time I’ve been seeing Seth, a piece of mehasfelt a little bit guilty about Kyle.Not that I don’t deserve to find love again.But did it have to be with hisbrother?I think he would support me finding another man to love.
But probably not Seth.
I used to have imaginary conversations with Kyle, especially soon after his death.What do you think about this dress, Kyle?And he’d respond,Oh, that’s a good color on you.Or,I don’t know about the dress, but I know I love you.
What do you think about instant ramen tonight?I would ask.
Sounds good—do you want me to pick up some beer to go with it?
I close my eyes and imagine him in front of me.His floppy, brown hair, his bright, hazel eyes.
What do you think about me dating your brother, Kyle?What do you think about me loving him?
His mouth turns down in disappointment.I think there are billions of people on this planet, Mads.You could’ve picked anyone else and saved everyone a lot of heartache.
Of course he wouldn’t approve of me falling in love with his brother.
But if Kyle was cheating?Why the fuck should I have given it any thought?Why should I care about his imaginary judgment?And why should I have invested so much energy into mourning him, into missing him, into making myself smaller and sadder and quieter in his absence?
I drop my dress at the foot of my bed.I put on clean panties and pull on my sweats.This feels better, although my chest still aches with a sense of loss.Maybe I should’ve asked Damiano and Seth to stay.They would have, happily.
Is it better to be alone to think, and to feel all of my feelings?Or is it better to let their love and affection distract me?
I have no idea.
Worse, I’m wide awake.
I trek back downstairs and find my laptop on the coffee table.Settling into my favorite corner of the couch, I pull up an episode ofK-Pop Brain Feast.I need something wacky and light.I’m feeling enough of my own emotions—I don’t need anything heavy from imaginary characters.
