Lily joined me on the couch, her head tilting slightly, encouraging me to go on.
“That corner from Miami.”The words felt jagged in my mouth, too tough to swallow.“The crash.The loud banging of the car and the smoke that rose from it.The way the barrier came at me too fast to stop.”I forced myself to keep talking before I could change my mind.“It was raining that day, and so I think because of that, it feels worse whenever it rains.My body becomes possessed with fear.I’ve only experienced this once bef—”
I stopped, my throat closing as I let out a small sob.I wasn’t ready to face that thought again.
“It doesn’t go away,” I continued, the confession spilling out now that I’d started, unstoppable.“Every time I hit a section like that in the rain, my mind and all reasoning abandons me.The lifting and the hesitation?It’s not a choice.It just… happens.”
Her arms fell to her sides, and I heard her catch her breath.“Henri… oh, I’m so sorry.This is my fault.”
The pity in her voice made me want to crawl out of my own skin.I couldn’t sit still anymore.I got up and started pacing, wearing a path in the carpet between the window and the bed.
“No, it’s not.I mean, racing incidentshappen.We can’t be scared of them.I just… I thought it would fade.”The words came out faster now.“I told myself I just needed to push harder, focus more.That’s what we do, right?Drive through it.But every time I get there, it’s like my body betrays me.I lift without realizing.And I can’t stop it.”
The memory pressed against me.The screech of tires losing grip on wet asphalt.The heat from the engine as I struggled to climb out, my hands shaking so badly I could barely work the harness release.
She didn’t move for a long time.Just watched me, quiet and still.
“Have you told the team?”she asked finally.
“Told them what?”My fingers tapped against my leg.“That I can’t drive in inclement weather?”
Her voice softened, the original hardness in it giving way to something gentler.“Yes, exactly that.So they can get you help.”She patted the seat next to her, and I begrudgingly took a seat.
“What good is a driver who can’t focus during a third of the races?They might consider benching me.”The words sounded scarier once they were out in the open.“I haven’t told Georgia or Éliott.”
Lily grabbed my hand, stopping the nervous tapping.“But you should tell Hermes, Henri.Or Michael, at least.You’ve been with him since you started in F1—he’ll want to help.”
“No.”
“Henri…”
“I’ll tell Hermes whenyoutell Rennen about these notes.”I gestured to the crinkled paper that was now cast aside on the coffee table.
“That’s different.”
“Really?”I crossed my arms, holding my ground.“You’re getting threats and refusing to report them.I’m having panic attacks and refusing to tell the team.Seems pretty similar to me.”
“I’m trying not to ruin my reputation here, Henri.”But her voice wavered, just slightly.“But…” She looked away, focusing on something past my shoulder—anything to distract her from this conversation.“I did mention it to my mother.”
Of all the things she could’ve said, that was the least expected.Victoria was not known for her warmth or concern, although I realized this was probably a thought I’d had as an outside observer looking in.I was glad Lily had told her mother, although I wasn’t convinced the result would yield what I wanted.
“And what did she say?”
Lily’s laugh was shaky.“She told me not to add any trouble for myself.Said reporting it would make me look weak, like I couldn’t handle pressure.That female drivers already have enough scrutiny without inviting more.Reminded me that one of Rennen’s largest sponsors is a sports betting company, and we don’t want negative press coming out around that.”
Now that was Victoria Blackwood to a tee.It had taken me all of five minutes to know she was a narcissist dressed in designer clothes.But was she truly calculated enough to downplay these threats?
“Lily, that’s…” My blood boiled as I thought of Victoria dismissing her daughter’s concerns.“That’s insane.Someone left this at your door, and your mother told you to keep quiet about it?”
“But she has a point.”Her voice lacked conviction, the words sounding rehearsed, like if she told herself enough times, she’d almost believe it.
“She absolutely does not.”The anger in my chest shifted direction, redirecting toward someone who wasn’t even in the room.“This is serious.These notes, whoever’s sending them—”
“I know,” she said finally.Her fingers tightened around the note she was holding.“But it’s for me to deal with.”
In that moment, I knew nothing was going to sway Lily, even if I could see the glint of fear growing in her eyes.Lily wasn’t one to back down, but as athletes, we often got threats in our DMs or emails, or even through money-sending apps.But something this close?
This felt different.
