“Probably.”He didn’t sugarcoat it.“But it doesn’t change that it was the right thing to do.”
I nodded, though the guilt didn’t ease.
Felix opened his phone, already shifting into crisis-management mode.“I’ll contact security immediately,” he said, more to himself than to me.“And the FIA.They need to be aware.We’ll need to review all her mail, increase security presence around her.”He looked up.“How is she right now?Beyond the obvious.”
I thought of Lily in the paddock this morning, hood up, shoulders hunched.The dark circles under her eyes that makeup couldn’t quite hide.
“Barely holding it together.Silverstone was rough.”
“Rough” didn’t capture the hollow look in her eyes or the way her hands shook when she thought no one was watching.
He nodded, walking me to the door.“Henri?”
I turned back.
“Thank you.I know this wasn’t easy.”He paused.“She’s lucky to have someone who cares enough about her.”
The words should’ve comforted me, but they didn’t.
The walk back to my hotel felt longer than the journey over.The rain had intensified, coming down in sheets that soaked through my jacket within minutes.I didn’t bother running.The cold water felt appropriate somehow, like penance.
What have I done?
Lily had trusted me.Not completely, not with everything, but she’d let her guard down enough to admit vulnerability.And I’d taken that trust and thrown it back in her face by going to Felix.
Except that wasn’t fair.She’d told me about the threats, yes, but she wasn’t dealing with them.
By the time I reached my hotel, I was thoroughly drenched and no closer to resolving the war in my head.The elevator ride to my floor felt dreadful.I wanted to text Lily, to warn her, to apologize, but there was nothing I could say that would make this better.
I’d made the right choice.I had to believe that.
Even if it had cost me whatever we were building between us.
Even if she never forgave me.
I did this for you, I thought, as if she could hear me.I hope someday you’ll understand.
But understanding and forgiveness were different things.I knew that better than anyone.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Lily
The knock came as I was pulling my hair into a loose braid, still trying to get ready for my media day in Belgium.I padded across the hotel room in bare feet, expecting room service to deliver the latte I’d ordered twenty minutes ago.
Instead, Ollie stood in the hallway, shoulders slightly hunched.He was dressed ready for the paddock, already in his nice jeans and a blazer.
“Hey,” he said.
I didn’t say anything for a moment, just stood there, one hand on the door, the other gripping the frame as I tried to work out why he was here and what it was going to cost me emotionally.
“Hey,” I said eventually.
“I wanted to check on you.After Silverstone.”He paused.“Can I come in?”
Every instinct screamed no.I was tired of speaking to people, and I didn’t have the energy to navigate whatever this was going to be.I didn’t have the reserves for careful words and managed expectations.I barely had the reserves to stand upright.
But he’d come all this way.And he was looking at me like he genuinely just needed to see that I was in one piece.
