His eyes bounce back and forth, assessing me. Likely looking for any indication of how I feel. No longer am I brittle. Closer to stone. Yet still empty. Hardening myself in spite of life's cruelty. For survival. For me. His pupils grow wide, seeming to realize my stance, his thumbs dance over the screen of the phone.
“Did you get the job?” The message asks.
I bite my tongue fighting the urge to curse or even scream. My mouth hurts. My shoulders ache. My resolve is weakening. “I’m so fucking tired,” I say more to myself than the man in front of me. I look past Dax. Down to the chair where my messenger bag resides. Papers peek from the corners of the flap, so full of ideas. I was such an optimistic soul. Full of hope laced with a sad desire to prove myself. Even these past sketches no longer reflect the person I’ve become. Still focused on the sac of my former self, I shake my headno. Long moments pass before I glance back up to his face. My stomach twists. How is it that heseems more destroyed than me? I’m the one who was handed thebetter luck next time, business card. I take my pretty painted nails, which I did just for the interview, and press them into the palms of my hand. I tighten my fists, staying this way until they feel numb. Savoring the sting which grounds me.
“Thank you,” I proclaim. “Andrea hinted it was you, who applied. You can stop trying to help me. I need to do this alone.”
His eyes narrow. In a heartbeat, Dax steps forward, closing the space between us. The first few buttons on his shirt are undone and he smells even more appealing than the wafting scent of cumin and chili powder in the private space. Mere inches apart, I lift my chin, meeting his intense steely gaze.
“You’ve. Never. Been. Alone.” Each word is sharp. His deep voice resonates with torment. In one fell swoop, he drops himself to the bright chair, taking me with him. My legs straddle his lap and he scoots us toward the table. He positioned his phone to rest against one of the plates of food before us.
I’m caged between the table and his body. If I’m going to be forced to be here, I might as well fill one of my needs. I reach for a mini empanada, paying no mind to manners or anything other than the impending flavors reaching my mouth. I hum as I chew, happy to finally taste something from the spread of delicious foods. Beneath me, I can feel his chest rumble, unsure if he’s flustered by my unwillingness to cooperate or something else entirely.
With the phone resting horizontally before us, he reaches past, opening up the pictures app. Making his selection, he presses the center play button… The song“Otherside,”from theRed Hot Chili Peppers, plays along with a slideshow. Each photo has me in it. Whether I’m walking past the hot dog cart on my way to work or feeding ducks by the lake at the park. I’m the subject. Some shots were way before I ever found the earbud. Like the one of me and my brother, arm in armon the steps of my high school after graduation. The empanada was hard to swallow as I discovered just how wrong I was about everything. He didn’t start watching me recently... he’s been stalking me even before I was an adult! I need to get out of here, my flight winning over my fight.
“Thanks for validating you’re a creep! I’m leaving.”
As I go to rise off him, his arms lock around me like a vise.
“Let. Me. Go.” I try to push free, but escaping his hold is useless. My teeth clamp together paired with heavy breath. Was this some kind of litmus test? Ultimately deciding when it was ‘the right time’ to pursue me? This wasn’t fate. He made it so it was inevitable that I would fall for him. He manipulated me! Dax is a liar. How could I forgive this?
Stuck in place, I lean forward toward the feast, he releases me just enough to pluck a jalapeno tortilla chip from its basket. Then, reaching for the molcajete bowl, I scoop a substantial amount of guacamole onto my chip. Bringing the overflowing bite toward me, I pause, hovering just long enough for the lumpy green mixture to fall from my chip and land on his fancy pants.
“Oops,” I taunt.
A grumble resonated from his chest again.
I smile, knowing I can provoke him so easily.
The song is about struggle. Battling invisible demons that are present for some, day in and day out. If I plan to survive this life, I must embrace change. Doing the same things time and time again, expecting different results… that’s the definition ofinsanity. This time when I reached for the dip, Dax eases his grip just enough for me to grab only chips. Denied guac… I make it my personal vendetta, to be as messy as possible.
I don’t want to be here, but I also can’t look away from the unusual slideshow. There’s a candid shot of me at the Bazaar, right after my purse mysteriously found its way back to me. Followed by photos of me of my recent stay at the cottage inthe Catskills. No matter how distant I make myself; my stalker is allegedly there. Even before I knew of his presence. He’s always been watching. I should find this terrifying… but for some confounded reason, I find comfort in knowing that he was always there. Never truly alone. I’ve tried cutting this invisible thread which steadily cinches us together, but there’s no point. Our lives are meticulously woven together. I can’t change what’s already happened, but I’m stronger from it. If I stay, I need to take risks. I don’t want to look back and regret how I lived my life.
The song concludes, halting on one final image and I drop my chip. On the screen is a photo of me as a young girl, gazing into the bakery window at Mike’s. Obviously, I’m unaware my photo is being taken, but the angle reveals someone else’s reflection. The photographer. A young boy. Same unruly mop of hair. Identical steely-stare. I incline closer to the phone. It can’t be. Glancing back at Dax, he releases his hold, freeing me to twist toward him.
“You’re the boy from the hospital. The one that was with my uncle, after the explosion.” I’m malfunctioning. Unable to breath…. to move.
His arms come between us, not to hold me down, but to keep me up. Large hands cradle my face so tenderly as he searches for something I’m not sure of. I can’t help but notice how different his eyes are from his father’s. Dax’s center has never held anything but regard, commitment, and desire. His pupils now dilated, are rimmed in thick bands of bluish silver.
In an instant, he closes the rift, consuming me with a punishing kiss. I need him more than air. Biting and licking, tongues battle for purchase. I relinquish the fight against the predestined, becoming subdued within his hold. I’ve wanted to know him since I was a child. Always hoping one day, my unclewould bring him around. Nothing is by chance. He is my past, my present, and my future.
Before I even realize what is happening, he guides me to stand and turn. He brings me down onto his lap again, but this time I’m straddling him. His erection rubs against my center. Thatdroppiefeeling hits the bottom of my belly, in anticipation. Like when you careen down the crest of the rollercoaster. I haven’t felt his touch in so long, I can hardly stand it. Unabashed, I rock my hips, appreciating all he is. All he’s done. His hands find my hips. This day definitely didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. In fact, nothing seems to go to plan anymore… nonetheless, I couldn’t be more content.
Some could say, I’m throwing caution to the wind but, it’s better than having decision paralysis. In fact, I’m more sure of myself than ever; these past few months, I’ve felt more alive than I have in years. Yes, a lot of fucked up stuff has happened, but living a half-life is so much worse than not living life to its fullest. I was barely holding on and it’s because of Dax, that I was able to sort through the broken pieces and rebuild.
Goosebumps emerge down the length of my arm, as he pushes loose strands of hair behind my right ear. He smiles with his eyes, tilts his head and kisses the freckle on my neck. With him, there are no flaws, only beauty marks. A chill wracks through me, just as he brings his lips to my ear.
No louder than a whisper. His bruised voice struggles to ask, “Can I keep you?”
My chest constricts. Before I can even answer, Dax stands to his full height, bringing me with him. His massive hand holds me up by my ass, while the other clears an area on the table before us. I’m laid down in the middle of the spread. His body cages me in, while his lower half presses between my legs. Breathlessly, I wrap my legs around him. Locking my ankles together, he leans into me and hums his approval.
I can’t help myself… dipping my finger into the bowl of queso beside my head, I dab it onto his nose. “I’ve always been yours. Now… are we finished with all this cheesy stuff?” I jeer, in unison with unbuttoning his dress shirt. This time when the reverberating sound moves through his chest, I knew exactly what was to come.
EPILOGUE
DAX
Preparations for today start early this morning. It was almost our first anniversary, and I am determined to make it an unforgettable one. The idea came to me a while back, however her best friend insisted I wait. She can be quite persuasive, especially when she threatens to put my kidneys on ice if I don’t listen. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s made one of Cindel’s boyfriends disappear, I guess we have a lot more in common than I thought. I wasn't the only one who had a hand in today’s arrangements.
