At his desk, his body shaking, his mind in peril, he wrenched open the bottom drawer, desperate to focus on anything other than that which brought such pain. Fixing things… those that held no emotion… that which he could not make any worse or whose life he could not ruin… it was all he could think to do.
He reached into the draw and froze as his hand wrapped around something soft.
Slowly, his hand trembling, Adrian pulled it from the drawer and his heart cracked that little bit further. It was a stuffed doll, its arm torn off, the stuffing inside withered so that it was a fragment of the toy it had once been. Adrian had found it weeks ago, among some of his old things, and had thought he might restore it for Harriet to play with.
Such a desire was forgotten in time, and he’d shoved the doll away because he did not want to fix that for someone who would forget him. Only, as he looked at the doll, as he thought about Harriet and Ophelia and their last few weeks together, he could not bring himself to put the doll down.
In fact, a smile touched his lips as he remembered those moments together. Moments that were happy. Moments were he did not feel alone. And moments where he had dared to wonder if he might never be alone again… as he had realized that maybe that was not such a bad thing.
Before Adrian knew what he was doing, he had the doll on the table before him. Another drawer opened, that one with sewing needles and spare cotton. Harriet would soon be with her new father, but that did not mean that she needed to be forgotten completely, just as he wondered if with this doll, she might somehow remember him.
It was stupid. It was silly. But the idea that he might live on in her memory, and that such a memory might bring her joy, made Adrian feel something… a warmth spreading through his belly… a light in the darkness that was his sorrow… a purpose beyond isolation and despair.
To have someone else that cared for him, even if it was just a memory brought by a silly doll, was a feeling that Adrian did not want to let go. So, he worked into the night, determined to see the doll fixed, just as he was determined for it to mean something.
Maybe he wasn’t so alone, and maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing.
CHAPTER 33
“You did not have to come tonight, Adrian,” Ophelia said to her husband. He sat across from her in the carriage, saying nothing from the moment that she had joined him in the foyer of their home. “There is no need to pretend anymore.”
Adrian’s silence was not unexpected. If anything, it was welcome, as Ophelia was done pretending that things might change between them. Better that he committed fully to his intentions and stopped giving her hope. At least that way, she could start to move on, as she needed to do.
Although Adrian sat silently across from her, it did not feel as if he was purposefully trying to ignore her. There was something different about him, something that Ophelia could not quite put her finger on. More than once, she had caught him watching her in the darkness, his brow furrowed, his stare one of apparent confusion, even curiosity.
He had something on his mind… something he wanted to say. And where Ophelia thought to ask him, she also knew there was no point. Whatever it was, she doubted that it would change anything, so why bother?
I need to stop pretending that things will change suddenly.
“No, I…” Adrian cleared his throat and shifted. “It is expected that I join you. Thetonstill believes that we are happily married, Ophelia. And once you leave, it is important that questions are not asked. At least not immediately.”
She exhaled sharply out of her nose. “Yes, that makes sense.”
“I wanted to come,” he then ventured awkwardly. “I…” His expression hardened. “I just want to do what is right.”
“A little late for that, is it not?” she sighed and looked away.
Out the corner of her eyes, she saw him open his mouth as if to speak. But he caught his tongue, hesitated, and then closed his mouth and he leaned back. Still, he continued to look at her. Not with detachment. Not with frustration. But as if he were upset about something, that which he was desperate to keep to himself.
Tonight was to be their last night spent together in public. Adelaide’s friend, Lady Miranda, was hosting a dinner party, a rather exclusive event at which only twenty or so people were invited. It was Adelaide who extended the invitation to Ophelia,making sure to add that Adrian did not have to join her, even if she must have suspected he would do.
Adelaide knew of Ophelia’s situation, so she knew that Ophelia’s marriage lay in a state of disrepair. That she had invited Ophelia, and that she had mentioned Adrian… honestly, it frustrated Ophelia greatly. Even after all she had been told, Adelaide refused to believe that their marriage could not be saved. And tonight, Ophelia was certain, was her friend’s effort to prove it.
If only she knew what I did… that our marriage is beyond saving.
It had been proven beyond question. And every time that Adrian was given a chance to change his mind, he balked and denied her. And now that Harriet was set to be taken by Lord Delacourt, there was nothing left to bind them together. They were officially done.
“Let us just get through tonight,” Ophelia sighed, able to feel Adrian watching her. “And I promise to do my best not to embarrass you.”
“Embarrass me?” He almost sounded offended. “Ophelia, you could never embarrass me.”
She scoffed. “Do not lie, Adrian. I know that is one of the reasons you…” She sighed and shook her head. “To avoid a scandal, there is nothing you will not do. So, feel comfortable tonight knowing none shall come.”
Again, Adrian opened his mouth to speak. Again, he closed it just as quickly. And always, he watched Ophelia across the carriage, something preying on his mind, thoughts he wanted to voice but would not dare.
Lucky that, as Ophelia had no desire to hear them. Not anymore.
She was determined to show Adrian that she no longer had any interest in him. Not the truth, but it was needed.
