She gave me agirl, pleaselook, and I just decided to come clean.
“Alrightttt, " I huffed. “The truth is, Doc, I got my feelings hurt real bad by a dusty ass nigga who burnt me and got me pregnant. I beat him and his mama up. I ain‘t been nice to niggas ever since.”
Her eyes stretched. “Why would you beat his mama up, LaReina? What did she have to do with anything?”
“Because why would she birth a dirty dick ass nigga?”
“Touchè. But not every man is like Mr. Dusty. Though I can imagine it's hard to trust your discernment after experiencing that. Is that why you chose a life of non-commitment and giving these niggas hell?”
I nodded, spellbound by the way she code-switched between being professional and sounding like one of the girls. “Yeah. And I hate to give a nigga that much power over me… shit happened when I was like 19. Like, shouldn’t I be over it by now and treat niggas better?”
“Many might say yes, but healing isn’t linear. And while you may not feel like you have to heal from anything, the fact is, you let your guard down, and that person caused you harm. Burning someone, regardless of whether they know or not, is harmful. Did you ever keep the baby?”
“Hell nah! I don’t believe in having these niggas kids; therefore, I no longer fuck raw.”
“I see. And do you wanna treat niggas better? I can’t speak to whether or not you should be over it, but you did express on the intake form that you want to move forward from it. Not just in time but in mindset, correct? You said you feel emotionally stunted.”
“I feel so fucked up,” I muttered, looking at my hands.
“LaReina, look at me.” I glanced up at her. “Youaren’tfucked up. You’re a human being learning to navigate life, love, and foreign feelings. You are not an object that needs to be fixed, no matter what choices you made. Furthermore, feelings are merely information. They are valid, but that doesn’t mean they are facts. So now that you desire to do better, you have to match your actions with it.”
Ping.
Her timer went off, and I was saved by the bell. She stood, so I did too. We exchanged goodbyes, and I walked out feeling more… confused than when I came in, though her words were reassuring. Rae warned me that after my first session, I’d probably walk away with more questions than answers. I would still go, though, because I really wanted to mend my bruised heart… not just for myself, but because Vasiah deserved a fair chance with me, too.
17
VASIAH
“It went fine,” were the only words she gave me when I asked her how her first session went. Nothing more, nothing less. At first, I was bothered that she didn’t want to open up, but then I realized that conversations with your therapist are private. I also figured she was processing a lot. Though I was patient, I also realized that I may have been overly eager to solve something that she didn’t ask for. I definitely needed to relax. At least, I thought I did. I knew we were still getting to know each other, but what I learned so far is that Reina was very blunt. So if I truly needed to relax, she’d tell me, right?
“What’s on ya mind, K Camp?” she asked, breaking the silence. After her session, she came over and took her spot on the couch. I was playing with a demo for my video game, and she was curled up, long legs tucked under her while she organized her schedule for the week on her iPad. I glanced at her, wondering how I could share my concerns without making it all about me.
“Ion wanna make any of this about me,” I started. “But I was just chastising myself for getting slightly frustrated that you didn’t give me much when I asked how your session went. But then I realized that it’s probably private. I don’t know – I get anxious sometimes when faced with a situation I can’t fix or control.”
The room quieted as Reina’s brows furrowed. “Yeah… I’m still processing, to be honest. It's my first day and all, but I don’t necessarilyneed youto fix nothing, ‘Siah…I’m not sure what exactly I need besides you just being here. I’m used to handling everything on my own or sharing things with Reign…just be patient with me.”
I nodded. “Promise me one thing, though?”
“What’s that?”
“Promise me that if I’m doing too much and need to relax, you’ll tell me?”
“I can do that.” She grinned. “You just may not like how I say it.”
“How would you say it?”
“I… I really don’t know; it truly depends on the context. For some reason, I want to be kinder to you than I’ve ever been when it comes to niggas. My mouth ishorrible, ‘Siah. So while I will do my best to approach it respectfully… know that my natural default is to not give a fuck.”
Hmmm. This came up often. Reina explained that she was callous and, though it was believable, I hadn’t seen her show that side to me, aside from blocking me. But even that wasn’t rooted in maliciousness; it was rooted in fear.
“What is that like?”
“What is what like?”
“Not giving a fuck. Like, you truly don’t care about nothing?”
“When it comes to niggas, no. Not even a little bit. Like if you ain’t related to me or if you’re not in my circle, my grace is kinda non-existent.” She shrugged.
