16/
it’s your time now
julian
I’d beenat Zion’s for about an hour watching a game before I decided to go ahead and ask him, keeping my eyes on the game when I did.
“You and Taryn.” I kept my tone flat. “Y’all were friends a long time before anything. Years.”
“Mmhm,” he didn’t look over at me.
“When did it turn. For you. When’d you know you wanted…” I rolled a hand, looking for the words. “When did you know that you were done doing the thing you were doing, and wanted the other thing instead?”
He was silent for too long, and when I glanced over he was cheesing at me, delighted.
“Oh,” he said. “This is about Alyssa.”
“It’s a general question.”
He muted the TV and smiled wider. “I’m about to win the pot.”
“You bet on me?”
“Everybody bet on you. Took you too long enough to figure it out, which, smart as you are, is honestly a little pathetic.” He leaned back, pleased with himself. “Go ’head. Ask it straight.”
I stared at the muted game. “You were never a relationship guy,” I said finally. “Before Taryn.”
“Neither were you. Before Alyssa.”
“I still might not be. It’s different with me.”
“It’sclinicalwith you,” he laughed. “You’d sit a woman down like it was a closing. Here’s the terms, here’s what this is, here’s what it’s not, sign here.” He shrugged. “Point is, none of us were built for it. So I understand what you’re wrestling with.”
“How’d you know? With Taryn.”
“Wasn’t one moment. It was that she was already in everything. She’d been around for years, Ienjoyedhaving her around. Lookedforward to seeing her actually. Then one day I clocked that I’d been arranging my whole week around when I’d see her.” He looked at me. “Sound familiar?”
I didn’t answer that.
“Answer something else instead,” he said. “You picture her with some other man. Small town, she’s pretty, some man who hasn’t put himself in the friend zone, asks her out, walks her to her door, gives her a goodnight kiss.” He watched my face while he described the scene. “How’s that sit with you?”
It didn’t sit. It pissed me off, actually and Zion saw it on my face.
“Yep,” he said. “That’s how you know.”
“She’s not looking for that,” I deflected. “She came out of a bad situation. She’s not trying to date anybody. We’re the same that way. Neither of us wants?—”
“Julian,” he cut me off. “She’snotlike you. She’s not gonna run her heart like a spreadsheet for the rest of her life.Not lookingis a season for her, not a life sentence. Some man’s gonna come along when she’s ready, and she’s gonna let him, because she’s a woman who knows how to love somebody. You can see it on her. You think she stays single forever because you were too scared to jump?”
I didn’t have a thing to put against that, so I didn’t try.
“I like her. A lot,” I admitted. “A whole lot. It’s easy. I don’t have to be anything with her. I’m not managing the room. I’m just…” I searched for words. “I’m doing things I don’t do. Half the time I don’t even notice I’m doing them till they’re done.”
“Bruh. That’s not a riddle. That’s a woman you could build something real with. You’ve already started building it. You’re just refusing to call it what it is.”
“I can’t give her a future, Zion. That’s not me. You know why.”
“I know exactly why youthinkthat,” he set his drink down. “But youcan, Jules. You’re allowed. There’s no rule that says you’re the one who only gets to give, and never gets to have. You’ve spent your life making sure every single one of us got ours. You sacrificed more than any of us have. You buried things so we wouldn’t have to. We’re good now.”
