“So. About the other day,” he started.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“No? You’ve been treating me like I’m contagious all afternoon.”
“I have not.”
He gave me a look.
“Okay. Maybe I have. But can you blame me?”
“For your sisters caring about your life? No.”
“You know that’s not the part I’m talking about.”
“Then say the part.”
The directness caught me off guard. He wasn’t going to let me hide behind half a sentence. Fine. If we were doing this, we were doing it.
“You want to do this?” I asked, my voice shifting, more controlled.
“Do what?”
“This conversation. Really do it.”
“Yes,” he said. “I do.”
“Fine. You heard me tell my sisters I think you’re attractive. You heard them suggest I should do something about it. Among other things.”
“I did.”
I lifted my chin. “And you’ve been acting like none of it touched you.”
“That what you think? That it didn’t touch me?”
“Did it?”
“Honestly, I thought it was about time.”
My eyebrows went up.
“You think you’re the only one who’s noticed the chemistry here?”
“So… you’re saying you’re attracted to me?”
“I’m saying I’m not blind. I’d have to be blind not to be attracted to you.”
Satisfaction settled in me, like I had been building a case and just gotten the evidence I needed. But then something in me went quiet,because now it was real and one of us was going to have to say the next part.
It was me. “I don’t know that I’m built for this anymore. I came out of something that took everything I had. Not just a bad marriage. But giving a man all of me and watching him set it on fire. Crawling out of ashes with a little boy who couldn’t understand where his whole world went.”
I looked at him, and then away. “It nearly killed me, Julian. I’m only now starting to feel like myself again. I don’t have it in me to hand all of that to someone a second time. I don’t even want to. Not because of you. Because of what it costs me.”
He didn’t move to fix it. He let it sit.
“And Micah,” I said, softer. “He’s already lost one man in his life. Wasn’t much of a father, but he was his. And I see the way he lights up around you, looks up to you… and I love it for him. I don’t want to be careless with that, either.”
“I know. And I understand.” He looked out toward the trees. “I’ve told you I don’t date. I meant it, and there’s a reason. I’ve run a company since I was practically a kid. Had my family to look out for. So, there’s never been room for the kind of thing you’re talking about. I don’t have that to hand somebody. I made my peace with that a long time ago.”
