“I’m so sorry, Julian. I was wrong. I’ve regretted it every single day.”
I wrapped my arms around her and held her against me as tight as I could. I had not held her against me in three weeks. I put my face in her neck and inhaled deeply.
“I’msorry. Lyss. Listen to me.” I pulled back enough to look at her, keeping my arms around her. “I’m the one who’s sorry. Okay?”
She shook her head.
“You were right. I don’t like how you did it. I have to be honest with you… I don’t like it. But I understand it. I understand why you did it. And I… I appreciate that you care about me that much. I do.”
“It doesn’t make it right,” she sniffled. “I shouldn’t have done it. I never want you to think you can’t trust me, Julian. I never want you to think I’m — devious. Like I’d manipulate you for the sake of it. That’s not who I want to be with you.”
I nodded my head, slow, then led her by the hand to the end of the bed and we sat down next to each other, legs touching. I kept her hand in mine.
“The thing is, I would have done the same thing for you. Maybe not exactly the same way. Probably even more conniving to be honest. But I would have found a way. If I felt like you were hurting, I would have made something happen. Would have moved the pieces around.”
“You don’t have to make excuses for me. I can take accountability.”
“I’m being honest, Lyss. I would have. Ihave. In different ways, but the same shape. You know what this time apart made me realize?”
“What?”
“We are two people who don’t know how to receive. Who can’t stand being the one who needs anything. The only times we’ve ever argued have been because of that. You don’t want anybody to do things for you. And I don’t want anybody to do things for me. And we both, every day, try to do things for each other. Different sides of the same coin.”
“Sounds like a match made in heaven,” she half-joked.
I stared deep into her eyes. “I think it is. I think maybe that’s part of what makes us work.”
She looked at me.
“I think maybe that’s why you are what people call ‘my person.’ You try to do for me what no one else has done. I try to do that for you. Maybe what we need is to let each other do it.”
She put her hand on the side of my face. “You are my person too, Julian.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. You are my person.”
I took her hand and pressed her palm into my cheek. “I’m sorry I let you walk out.”
“I’m sorry too.”
“I’m never doing that again.”
“Me either.”
“You and I have always been able to talk. So if something happens, if we disagree, we talk it out. We don’t fall back, or go silent. Whatever it is. I promise.”
“I promise too.”
I pulled her onto me, straddling my lap with her face on my neck and my arms tight around her, and we held each other for a long time. Just holding on.
“I love you, Julian.”
It stopped my breath. I’d been holding those words for months, since I stood in my gym, watching her rack a dumbbell. Not sure how to tell her, when, or even if I should. Afraid of what it would mean once I admitted it out loud. I had held on to it for so long that she got to it first.I was supposed to say it first.
I must have gone quiet too long, because her face started to fall like she’d misjudged the floor. Her hands started to come off my face.
“No.” I caught them and pressed them flat against my chest. “My reaction… it’s not what you think.”
