Chapter 1
The bedsprings creak when Alex places both his hands on either side of my body and lowers his lips to my belly. The warmth of his breath makes its way through the thin fabric of my blue and red plaid pajamas and caresses my overstretched skin.
A smile trembles to my lips for a second before it’s stolen by memories of the past. We’ve been here once before, many more times than I can count.
The wounds left behind by the babies we’ve lost haven’t quite healed. I stopped waiting for them to because they probably never will.
Alex kisses my lips next, leaving behind the scent of mouthwash, then he gets off the bed. “I’ll see you later.”
“I’ll be here.” I reach for a pillow and hug it to my chest, wishing he didn’t have a job that requires him to leave the house at four o’clock almost every morning.
He has to be at Aston High School by five, an hour before Jeffrey Holder, the head custodian and a friend of ours. He was the one who had encouraged Alex to apply for the job in the first place, a year ago.
At the door, Alex turns to look at me. A smile ruffles his lips, but I know him well enough to recognize the tinge of pain hidden behind it. “It will work out this time,” he assures me. “We’ll get to meet our baby soon.”
I blow him a kiss, then he walks out the door. Sometimes it’s better not to give voice to the pain.
The drone of his truck coming to life in the driveway lures me out of bed. I stand by the window, watching him disappear into the distance. Then I wrap my arms around my body and tilt my head upward to the sky to enjoy the blush of an early morning. I find this time of day to be so peaceful.
I could climb back into bed to snooze, but instead, I head to the kitchen and turn the kettle on. I pour the hot water into a white mug and add a few slices of lemon and a tablespoon of honey.
With my favorite cream cashmere blanket wrapped around my shoulders and the gentle steam from the mug soothing my face, I walk out onto the porch to try to indulge in a moment of peace and quiet before the world wakes up.
But of course, enjoying anything is hard when I’m filled with terror that I might lose the baby at any second.
I put a hand on my belly. “Please stay with me, my little one. Mommy wants to get to know you.”
I close my eyes and imagine the baby sleeping inside its safe place.
“Hi, Viola,” someone calls.
I open my eyes to see Laura Jones, a neighbor from across the street waving at me. She’s a baker at the Oven Lovin’ Bakery and always leaves the house not long after Alex has left for work.
I wave back and sip my drink until the mug is empty. Then I walk back into the house, trying to keep the blanket from sliding off my shoulders.
Someone had anonymously left the blanket in my hospital room, in Denver, the morning after my last failed pregnancy.
Alex and I concluded that it must have been one of the nurses. They had been so kind to me during my stay and did everything they could to comfort me.
Back in the bedroom, I call Alex.
“I didn’t forget to kiss you, did I?” He chuckles and warmth spreads through my body.
“I was wondering if we can go out for dinner tonight, that’s all. We haven’t gone out in a while.”
“Baby, you know I’m working at the gas station tonight. I’ll only be coming home for a shower, then I’m out the door. And you’ll be at the salon.”
My heart sinks. “Right. I forgot.”
Three times a week after working at the high school, he works as a gas station cashier.
“Let’s try and make it happen tomorrow. What do you say?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. I love you.” I smile even though I don’t feel like it.
“I know, babe, and I love you. Have a good day at work.” He pauses. “You know what? I clock out at three tomorrow. How about I cook us dinner. It will be ready for you when you get home.”
“Sure, I’d love that.”
