‘I am, Papa,’ I sighed.
Jai walked in and sat on the other end of the sofa, a book in his hand. He smiled softly.
‘Tell Anu that she has to come home as soon as possible,’ Maa added. ‘It’s been so long.’
I smiled back instinctively before realising I was still on the video call. I quickly looked back at the screen.
‘I will,’ I promised. ‘I miss you guys too. I’m busy, though. I’ll call you guys later.’
The screen turned dark, and my shoulders slumped. I wanted to see them more than they wanted me to be back home. But it just wasn’t worth it.
‘If you miss your family, why don’t you go home for some time?’ Jai asked, putting his book down.
‘It’s complicated,’ I sighed. ‘We miss each other when I’m away. But every time I visit, I want to return the next day.’
‘Are they still bothering you with the whole arranged marriage thing?’ He shifted closer and held my hand.
I turned my palm over, lacing our fingers. ‘No. Maa dropped it after our fight. Like she always does.’
Maa and I didn’t talk for a week after the last argument. She was upset, and I was angry. Then she called me out of the blue and started talking as if nothing had happened. I went along with it; it was how my family dealt with conflicts. We swept everything under the carpet.
‘Then what’s the problem?’ he asked, rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. ‘It’d be nice seeing them.’
‘It won’t be nice because it will come up again.’ I pressed my lips together. ‘It’s just … they love me, I know that. But sometimes when they look at me, I can see them waiting for me to become someone else. A girl who stays in Banaras, marries the man they choose and never asks for more than what’s given to her.’
‘And you’re not that person,’ he said gently.
‘Not even close.’ A smile touched my lips as I shook my head. ‘I’ve always wanted …more. I want to work. To build something of my own, to prove I can do things by myself. When I try to explain it to them, it’s like I’m speaking another language.’
I exhaled sharply. ‘They think independence is rebellion. Chasing my dreams is selfish. Growing up, it caused a lot of fights between us ...’ My voice faltered. ‘They don’t say it out loud anymore, but I can hear what they’re thinking. That I’m choosing myself over them.’
‘Wanting more from life doesn’t make you selfish, Ananya, it makes you … you,’ he said, his voice soft but firm. ‘Anyone who cares about you should want that for you. I know I do.’
My eyes locked with his. They were steady and compassionate and made me want to believe him.
‘They love you, Ananya. It might take time, but they’ll come around.’
‘I know they do. But I don’t think they will ever accept me as I am. I’ll never have the kind of relationship I want with them. Going back home is a big reminder of that.’
The air was heavy with the weight of my words.
‘Hope you know that I see you – all of you – and it makes mesoproud.’ His eyes stayed on mine as hetucked a lock of hair behind my ear. ‘And I hope that one day, your family does too.’
I knew Jai meant it. I could see it in the way he looked at me, like I was enough exactly as I was.
I didn’t have words for what that meant to me. So I kissed him instead.
He kissed me back, slow and gentle, his hand coming up to cup my face. When we pulled apart, I rested my forehead against his.
‘I don’t deserve you,’ I whispered.
‘You deserve everything,’ he said gently.
I wanted to believe that. With him, I almost did.
‘Come on.’ He pulled me to my feet. ‘Let’s watch something that doesn’t make you cry.’
‘I’m not crying.’
