Even if I could talk to someone, would it help? I feel so… small. Like I have to shrink myself just to make him comfortable, just to keep him happy. That’s not me. Not the real me. I can feel it even more now, in the pit of my stomach.
A flicker of the old me rises when I roll my eyes at my own thoughts. I can almost hear myself laughing at the ridiculousness of rehearsing lines in my head like I’m some character in a terrible soap opera. I bite my lip, just for a second, to keep the chuckle inside.
Oh my god, what is Matt going to say when I tell him? How did this happen? Okay, obviously I know how this happened. I mean, I paid attention in Science class; I even had to teach it once. But in the grand scheme of things… why did this happen?
A tiny, defiant part of me wonders if I should just drop all pretenses and speak my mind as I always have, wild and unfiltered. I imagine yelling “holy shit, Matt, look what we’ve done!” and laughing at his stunned face. I suppress it, of course, because being myself here doesn’t feel safe. But the idea makes me smile, just a little, and my chest feels lighter for a fleeting second.
Chapter 40
Liz, February 7
That’s it, I’m doing it today. Enough is enough. Matt is supposed to come over after work tonight for a nice dinner. I’m making chicken parmesan and I’m going to tell him I’m having his baby. Wow, is it suddenly hot in here? I’m stressing about this. Let’s hope I can be more tactful than to just blurt it out.
“So, how’s the food?” Small talk. I’m making small talk because I’m scared to talk about the big issue. What if he flips out? What if he doesn’t care? What if… oh my gosh, I’m going to ‘what if’ myself to death.
“It’s amazing. Thank you. I haven’t had a good home-cooked meal in so long.”
Probably since you cooked spaghetti for the Mom you didn’t want me to meet. Wait, that’s unproductive thinking. Focus, Liz. “You’ve been working so hard, you deserve it.” Wait, did that sound like I am happy he’s working so hard? Well, that’s not true. Oops, change the subject. Better idea, bring it around to the subject.
“Hey, can I tell you something kind of important?”
“Shoot.”
“Um, can you look at me?” He obliges, putting his fork down first. “Thank you. Um, I don’t really know how to say this. I guess I’ll just say it.” I take a deep breath then slowly blow it out. “I’m pregnant.”
Matt says nothing. He stares at me, it feels like an eternity is passing. Can’t he say something?
“Seriously?” he finally asks.
I just nod, scared that anything else will cause a chain reaction of events that I accidentally set in motion.
“Liz, that’s fantastic!”
I’m shocked.
“I’m so excited. This is great news. How far along are you?”
“Um, I’m not exactly sure since I haven’t really been to see a doctor yet. Maybe a few months?” I’m so taken aback by his excitement when I was expecting him to be scared, like I was, that I don’t know how to respond.
“This is just so great, aren’t you excited?” Matt’s blue eyes are flashing as he stares at me. “We’re going to have a little family, Liz. A little hockey baby.” He reaches out and rubs my stomach. “I suppose you can’t play hockey again until the baby comes, but that’s alright. I’m so happy. You can move into my place and —”
“You want to move in with me?” I ask. Where did that come from?
“Don’t you want to? We’re going to be so happy.”
I think about it. Would it make me happy to come home to Matt? To see Matt every day? Actually, that’s a great feeling. I always stress about how much he works, but he must go home sometime. If I lived with him, wouldn’t I reap the benefits of his going home?
“I would like that, actually. Why have you never mentioned this before?”
“I never really thought about it before.”
Ouch. “You never thought about our future before?” I ask, hoping he will say he absolutely has. Hoping he will correct my mistake, tell me he thinks about our future all the time.
“No, never really had a reason to before. But I do now.” He leans closer to my belly, even though it’s not any bigger than it was before he knew. It annoys me, but I don’t stop him. “I have a great reason now, don’t I baby?” he baby-talks to my belly.
At least you’ll have someone to baby now, I think. Then I catch myself being mean. I’m not being fair, he’s taking it really well. Focus on the positive. I notice myself smirking when he shuffles closer like he’s doing a performance for the baby. God, I really am a little weird. “I am glad you are so happy about this.”
“Why wouldn’t I be? Aren’t you?”
