Was he supposed to be turned on right now?
She clearly was. He had the inappropriate urge to laugh. Could she not tell he was having a crisis?
Who could possibly think of sex at a time like this?
Eventually, he worked up the courage to tell her that he’d never done this before, that maybe they should pause and get to know each other. He resolved to ask her out on a date.
She cut him off after barely two words, misreading his intentions and assuring him that she’d never done this either. She seemed as nervous as he was, and he felt oddly comforted by that.
Maybe he should just go ahead.
Get it over with.
That’s what college is supposed to be about, right? Experimentation. Well, he could start right now. Get this interaction that he knew was going to be awkward out of the way so he wouldn’t have to have it later.
I stop reading for a moment. My face heats up. With embarrassment or anger? Disbelief or shame? Take your pick. All of the above. I’d felt so great that night. Sexy and in control. From everything I could tell, Ellie had enjoyed himself. Idistinctlyremember him saying, “It’s better than okay.”
I finally pinpoint the emotion I’m feeling.
Guilt.
Did I imagine his consent? Consent that had, in the moment, seemed pretty enthusiastic. How could I have misread the situation so badly?
But no, he cops to that in the story. He discusses the disconnect between the words coming out of his mouth and the thoughts rushing through his head. He wants what’s happening; he just wishes it were happening a little differently. Wishes he could shut off his brain and go with it. But he can’t.
That’s what the story is about, I realize.
Disconnect.
The disconnect between his words and actions on one side, and his anxiety-laced inner monologue on the other.
The disconnect between what he wanted and what he thought he should want.
The disconnect between Valery and Garrett—between Ellie and me—as they were engaging in an act that should be, at its core, about connection.
As I continue reading, I flush even more, for a different reason.
Ellie spares no details.
It’s not erotica, per se—it’s too awkward and embarrassing and messy for erotica. But it’s erotic. Erotic in the worst possible way. Erotic in the way that seeing two people you know but in whom you have no sexual interest heavily making out in public might be. As in, it might check those boxes, but you’d still do your damnedest to extricate yourself from the situation at the earliest possible moment.
In the story, Valery is caught up in his own thoughts, constantly worrying—is he going to come too soon? Is he going to be able to come at all? Should he flip them over so he’s on top? Oh God, he did it, and now he has no clue what to do. Is his rhythm okay? Is he hurting her? Shit, it really seems like he’s hurting her. Should they have done more foreplay?Anyforeplay at all? In the end, he comes too soon, and as good as it feels, he can barely enjoy it. Most of his pleasure stems from relief at the whole thing being over. As he pulls out, he has the urge to apologize, but she seems so happy, so satisfied, that it stops his words. Had she come after all?
I feel like I’m going to be sick.
If I’d eaten in the past couple hours, I’m sure Iwouldbe sick.
It’s one thing to learn that someone regrets sleeping with you. That, I could have handled. Finding out he hadn’t enjoyed himself as a vague, nebulous concept would have sucked, but I’d survive. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I’d spent years building him up in my mind, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it either. In the strictest definition of the word, Ihadn’tenjoyed it.
I had justwantedto enjoy it.
But this? Having to read about his lack of enjoyment in explicit, excruciating detail?
It’s awful.
And it gets worse. After detailing our awkward post-sex conversation—which to me had seemed sweet and intimate—Ellie writes about how I passed out. His internal debate: Should he leave? Is he an asshole if he leaves? His guilt at the thought of me waking up alone the morning after losing my virginity.
Ever the sweet, romantic hero, even as he’s eviscerating this character insert of me.
