“Jesus.” He laughs. “Tell me how you really feel.”
“Oh, you don’t want me to do that,” I drawl.
“Try me.”
“Let’s just say, if I were given the choice between sitting through another dinner with you or having water poured over my rag-covered face, I’d choose waterboarding every single time.”
I start to second-guess myself—did I take that too far?—when his eyes darken. “You always did know just what to say to get me going.”
With a scowl, I remind him, “Have you forgotten you’re married?”
“Would that I could.” He laughs, but there’s no humor to it. “Don’tworry about Ingrid, Josephina. She’s being more than taken care of at her ‘book club.’?”
He says the words with such derision, leaving no question to the fact that Ingrid isn’t at a book club. I’m about to ask what he means by that when I remember who I’m talking to.
I shake my head, hating that Alex can pull me in so easily when I’ve spent years running from the memory of him.
It’s funny how one night can completely change your perception of who you are. One mistake, and you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.
I was never that type of woman—until I was.
Everyone has secrets, I sometimes tell myself to feel better. But that’s the nature of secrets—I have no clue how bad everyone else’s are, so I’ll never know how mine stack up.
I turn to leave, but he stops me. I pull my arm from his grasp a second time.
“Don’ttouchme,” I mutter, low enough not to make a scene.
“Watching you hold a torch for Ellie is getting sad. Let it go already,” he says, and I feel my face heat—who the hell is he to judge me?
This time when I walk away, he doesn’t stop me. I let myself back into the house, walk through it, and go out the front door. I’m halfway across the lawn when Ellie catches up to me.
“Were you about to leave without saying goodbye?”
“I figured no one would notice.” I shrug, unable to meet his gaze.
“I noticed.” He wraps me in a hug and adds, “I’m really glad you came tonight. Promise you’ll come to the next one?”
I shouldn’t lie to him. He would never lie to me.
The thought comes unbidden:Cat will be showing by the next one. Maybe I’m a masochist, because the next words spill out of my mouth without thought.
“You’re going to be a really great dad, Ellie.”
The shock on his face is almost comical, but it quickly morphs into a smile. “I should’ve realized there’s no hiding anything from you.”
He asks me to keep it a secret. Tells me to get home safe. Hugs me one last time.
I allow myself to cry only after I’ve driven away and parked on a side street. In the silence of my car, I think that I’ve never felt so alone.
Once I pull myself together, I get on the 134, driving from Ellie’s home in Toluca Lake to my own in Eagle Rock. It’s sad to think that we’re separated by only a twenty-minute drive and yet I don’t see him more than a few times a year.
My phone rings over my car’s speakers, cutting into my misery and alerting me to the fact that my volume is turned up way too damn high. I jolt, then glance at the dash.
For an irrational second, my mind flashes to Alex, of all people, and I half expect to see his name on my screen. But of course, that’s not possible.
I still have his number blocked.
Incoming call: Mom
