“Please what?” I ask, hoping he’ll answer quickly, because my thighs are starting to hurt and I fear that if I hold out much longer, I’ll collapse in a useless heap and embarrass myself.
“Ride me.”
So I do, slowly lowering myself all the way before I rise up again, eyes locked on his. Our eyes stay locked together as I ride him, up and down, until I’m about to come again and my legs turn into a quivering mess, unable to hold me up any longer.
“Alex?”
“Yes?” he asks after a moment, his voice strained.
“Fuck me.”
I expect him to flip us over, but instead he grabs my hips and holds them in place, thrusting up and absolutely wrecking me from his spot underneath until I come with a loud cry. My thighs fully give out and I collapse onto him, and only now does he flip us so he’s on top, his body flush against my body, the fabric of his clothing rough against my skin in a way that heightens everything. He thrusts into me, his forehead resting in the crook of my neck, and he pants out breaths into my skin until he reaches his own peak with a groan.
We clean up, then fall asleep together, both of us out within minutes.
It isn’t until much later that I realize we didn’t actually resolve anything.
24
It’s almost the end of the world.
More specifically, it’s almost December 21, 2012. Despite the rumors, the world isn’t going to end tonight—unless I’ve managed to screw up way more than I thought.
I didn’t buy into the end-of-the-world nonsense the first time around, and I don’t buy into it now, but Iamin college, and in college, the possible end of the world means one thing: an excuse to party.
Despite my efforts, I’m unable to dissuade an eager Helen from going to the End of the World party being thrown by one of the frats, so Helen, Kimiko, Alex, and I gather in Alex’s dorm at eleven and head over.
Kimiko’s dress is more mesh than anything, so all eyes turn to her the moment we walk through the door of the frat house. I look at Helen, who actually, visibly, gulps and says, “So many people—why did I think this was a good idea?”
I can’t blame her. Between the loud music, the students yelling to be heard over it, the combined smells of weed and perfume and sweat, and the disaster movie—The Day After Tomorrow—projected on the far wall, this party is an onslaught of overstimulation similar to—but also far worse than—the party I arrived at all those months ago.
Suddenly, I remember this party.
I came with Madison, Ellie, Helen, and Cat, and I ranted about howmuch I hated Jake as he and Madison reconciled under a glowing projection ofShaun of the Dead.
“We can always leave,” I tell Helen.
“I think I need a drink,” Helen mutters.
“Let’s go get you a drink,” Kimiko says, pulling Helen farther into the party with her.
“Kimiko—” I start to protest but cut myself off when I see how serious her face is.
“Trust me,” she implores, and, weirdly, I do.
And then it’s just me and Alex standing a few feet from the doorway. A group of kids come in and shove past us, pushing us farther into the room.
Things have been weird between us all week. Tense, but it’s an under-the-surface tension that makes me wonder if it’s all in my head—because surely things can’t still be weird between us because of mini-golf and my lie about the book club, of all things.
Adding to the confusion is the fact that we’ve been having evenmoresex than before, and it’s been strangely intense. Not in a bad way—no complaints from my end—but there definitely seems to have been a shift. The thought flits through my mind that it feels like he’s trying to prove something. But what, I don’t know.
“You want a drink?” he asks, but the idea of being drunk right now, when I’m on edge because of both Alex and Helen, sounds kind of terrible. So I tell him no, I’m fine, and then there’s more silence, and just when I begin to feel like I might explode from the awkwardness of it all, another group walks in and crowds the area around us, pushing him into me.
“This isn’t really my scene,” he says against the backdrop of a group of frat guys across the room yelling, “Chug! Chug! Chug!”
“That’s too bad. I was just thinking that this isexactlymy scene,” I remark dryly.
“Is that so?”
