“It’s okay,” Penn adds. “There’s no rush.”
I push past him, unable to meet his eyes. “Yes, there is.”
—
Perhaps because hefears for my well-being, Penn offers me the keys to his car so I can dash to the pet store right as it opens. Shockingly, I’m the only customer visiting Paws ’n Claws at nine o’clock on the dot.
Facing a wall of tanks, I scan the different types of fish, wondering if my replacements need to be exact. Some had bright orange and black fins. Others had a neon blue stripe. But I don’t know how many of each, or if it matters, or when I became the kind of person who slips up on the details. It isn’t like me.
Maybe that’s what’s gone wrong: I’m losing myself.
From behind me, a woman asks, “May I help you, ma’am?”
Nice.Now I can add “getting ma’am-ed” to my glorious morning.
I turn and face a twentysomething redhead. A familiar redhead. She adjusts her blue apron, flipping her hair over one shoulder, and I gasp. “Katie.”
She startles. “I’m sorry. Do I know you?”
No, she does not know me. And technically, I don’t know her, either. I recognize her only because I watched her walk down my driveway two days ago, cursed her existence, and later served her grandpa some heavily buttered toast.
Now here I am, wearing hot-pink leggings and a lime-green sweatshirt embellished with a sequin roller skate and the moving lyrics of Chamillionaire:They See Me Rollin’, They Hatin’. So even if Katie did know me, she might pretend she doesn’t.
“Maybe not,” I stammer. “You look like somebody that I used to…work with.”
“Oh,” Katie says, relieved that I’ve gotten us out of this humiliating song and dance. “Well, what brings you in today?”
“I need thirteen fish.”
She blinks at double speed. Her mouth opens, then closes. Like, fittingly, a fish.
“O…kay,” Katie says with a wide, cereal-commercial kind of smile, the very portrait of politeness. “I’m happy to assist you. Although please know that this is only my first week at the store, so I may not be able to answer all your questions. I’ll do my best.”
I smile back, noticing she has Earl’s grass-green eyes.
It hits me, then: When I saw her at the mansion, Katie was dropping off her résumé. And she’s in nursing school. And she’s lovely. And Penn won’t hire her anytime soon because I’ve asked for more of his time. Which means he’ll have even less to give to PennPals, and to Earl, and to the rest of his customers.
Ever since I arrived, I’ve asked, and asked, and asked. Of Bridget, of Theo, of Connor, and of Penn most of all. All I’ve given back to Bridget is a bagel and the weight of my problems. All I’ve given Theo is a hard time. And all I’ve given Penn is a room and flimsy hope for a future I know nothing about.
Last night might have been special, but I can’t make him any promises, because I’m not sure whether the two of us can exist like this, together, in any universe. Every word I say may as well be a lie. And it isn’t even working. Everything’s still falling apart.
I bring a hand to my chest, trying to slow the panic train.
All this time, I thought leaning in to my feelings for Penn would help to get me back to reality, but the closer we get, the more trouble seems to crop up. I’ve been following what felt like the only possible set of rules, but everything I do here is a gamble. And I’ve grown far too comfortable taking risks.
When I look at Katie, Lakeville’s own Meryl Streep, who’s busy delivering an Oscar-worthy performance of kindness to what’s surely her most absurd customer, I’m overwhelmed by the sudden weight of all the worries I’ve cast aside. All the other fates that might be twisted up in mine. The hearts I’m holding in my hands.
This is my game, but I’m not the only player. Penn—he’s part of the game, too. I need to get out of MASHland before I hurt him or anyone else. Before the game fully breaks down and I’m trapped, unable to return to myself.
I need to get out before I lose sight of who I really am and where I’m supposed to be.
My face must be twisting with all the torment that rises like bile in my throat, because Katie’s expression grows even more understanding. “Choosing pets can be an emotional experience, so take all the time you need. I’ll just be…” She points at the cash register and offers a smile. “Over there.”
“Thanks,” I croak out.
Penn seriously needs to hire her. And I need to get my head on straight.
—
