“It stops now. It stops today. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be the one who does this to you.”
“You aren’t the one who is doing anything to me.” I’m trying so hard not to raise my voice, to stay calm. “You aren’t them. You could never fucking be them. Stop putting yourself with them.”
“But I am with them. I’ve been judged my whole life because of them. I’ve been looked down on and—” She stops talking when her voice trembles. “I can’t do it anymore.”
“Take a look around you.” I close the distance between us, needing to be near her. “No one is judging you because of them. Not me, not my family, not anyone who really knows you.” I finally extend my hand to hold her face. “You are judging yourself unfairly.”
“This is just the beginning of the shit you are going to have to go through.” She shakes her head. “I won’t let you or anyone in your family be tainted because of them.” Her head goes down, and she backs away from me. “These months with you have been too good to be true. I’ve known that. You were too good to be true.”
“I’m in love with you,” I blurt out, and she freezes. “While you are in there in your head, deciding what you are doing, think of that. Think about our child and me. Think about what you are giving up because of them. If you think your parents will stop with me, how do you think they’ll use our child against you? Are you going to walk away from our child because of your parents?”
Her lower lip quivers, and her hand goes to her stomach to protect it.
“I can’t stand here and watch you walk out on me.” I exhale. “It hurts to breathe, knowing you don’t feel like we’re worth it. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. The two of you, you’ll forever be the best thing to happen to me.”
I turn and walk out of the house, shutting the door behind me. I sink down onto the steps, not willing to leave her just yet.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
COLLINS
“You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.” He smiles, and it takes everything in me to stand tall and not have my knees buckle. “The two of you, you’ll forever be the best thing to happen to me.” He turns, and I watch his back as he moves away from me, feeling like my heart just shattered in my chest when he closes the door behind him. One hand is on my stomach, and the other is on the wall beside me to keep me up. I’m in love with you.
I close my eyes as I make my way to the bedroom, sitting on the bed as more of his words come back to me. My head feels like it’s on a merry-go-round, with me trying to stand in the middle of it, not moving. If you think your parents will stop with me, how do you think they’ll use our child against you? It’s not that I haven’t thought the same thing. It’s just hearing him say it . . . it reminds me of the worry. If I can’t protect myself from them, or Theo, how can I protect our child? My hand moves to my mouth to stop the sob that rips through me. I lie down, my head on the bed, the tears running over my nose to the mattress, my hand cupping my stomach.
“You will never be their pawn,” I assure our baby. “I will never let them make you their pawn. Somehow I’ll protect you, until my last breath.” My chest feels like someone has gripped my heart and is squeezing it with everything they have, making it so hard to breathe.
I don’t know how long I lie on the bed, staring into space, blinking and wondering if this is a dream. Am I dreaming this? How is this my reality right now?
I peel myself up off the bed and head into the closet. My bag in the corner is empty. Theo unpacked for me one night and put my stuff away. I reach for the folded clothes in the drawer and place them in the bag.
My stomach lurches with every passing minute, knowing that I won’t be slipping into bed with him tonight. He won’t kiss me and wish me sweet dreams. He won’t be beside me in the morning with his beautiful smile.
We’ve been together such a short time, but he’s taken better care of me in that time than my parents have throughout my whole life. Everything he’s done since he found out I was pregnant has been what I’ve wanted forever. It’s what dreams are made of. It might be little things like cutting my fruit or packing an extra pack of cheese because he knows I love it. He keeps fresh water on the table on my side of the bed because he knows I wake up at night and always go grab a glass. It’s the little things I’ve been doing for myself over the years that no one has ever even attempted to do for me.
The tears fall onto my gray pants, staining them a darker gray.
I hear noise coming from the kitchen. My feet move without me having to consciously think about it. He’s there, taking out a pan and placing it on the stove. He moves to the fridge and must sense me there because he looks over.
“I know you’re leaving.” His eyes make me think his heart is broken. “But I wanted to cook for you before you go. I don’t know if you have any food at home, so I was going to fill you up.”
I put my hand to my mouth and take a deep breath. “I don’t want to leave,” I confess. “I want to stay.”
“I want you to stay.” He doesn’t move, knowing I have more to say.
“I’m not my parents.”
“You are not them,” he confirms.
“I’ll never be them.”
“You will never be them,” he agrees. “You could have been them. You could have been just like them, but you aren’t.” He takes a step toward me. “Would you ever use our child the way they used you?”
“Never. I would never in my life do that to our child.” I put the back of my hand to my mouth to stop the sob as he closes the distance between us.
“I know. Everyone who knows you knows that.” His hands come up to cradle my face. “Do you know how much you are loved?” It’s a question that I’ve never thought about. “Brock threatened to kick my ass. All the guys at the station glare at me when I come to see you. Your captain gave me the third degree when I dropped off my keys the other day. Burke said he would shoot me in the leg, right above my knee, if I hurt you.” The laugh escapes me. “Then he said he’d shoot my other leg after the first one heals.”
“He did not.” I shake my head, shocked by all this information.
