“There’s nothing going on between you? You mean tonight, when I had to watch you two practically fornicate onstage? Or do you mean while you were having rooftop champagne together in LA? Or maybe nothing happened some other night when I wasn’t around?”
The look of naked hurt etched across Jake’s face threatens to crack my heart in half.
“You know I would never do something like that,” he says, his voice thick. I can’t bear to look at him, so I stare at the ground as I give a slow, resolute shake of my head.
“Face it, Jake. We exist in completely different worlds. Our lives just don’t fit together, and they never will. We should end this now, before we hurt each other more than we already have.”
Jake takes a step toward me and I can feel the pain radiating from his body.
“I know what you’re doing,” he says softly. “You’re scared and you’re trying to push me away. But you’re wrong. We’re supposed to be together.”
A fresh wave of tears floods my vision, and I wipe them away angrily with the back of my hand. Jake takes another step forward, closing the space between us. His hands reach out to cradle my cheeks.
“You are everything to me, Lexi. Ineedyou. And I know you need me too.”
It’s the word “need” that shakes something loose inside me.Pulling his hands off my face, I take a step back, and when I speak again, my voice is cold.
“Haven’t you already gotten everything you need from me? You used me for a song, and it got you the career you’ve always dreamed of. And I’m proud of you, I really am. But I’m also not going to stick around like some idiot until the day you decide we’ve outgrown each other and it’s time to move on to bigger and brighter things.”
Jake’s entire body seems to collapse upon itself. “That couldn’t be further from the truth,” he says, his voice ragged. “Lexi, please. You have to know that.”
I take a fortifying breath to push past the wedge lodged in my throat. If I’m not careful, I’m going to relent, and I can’t let that happen, not before I finish what needs to be done. Taking a breath, I summon the lingering strength I have, mustering the courage to finish this.
“What Iknowis that my life was going exactly the way I wanted before you showed up and torpedoed everything. You make everything about you and expect me to drop everything and go wherever you need me. And I can’t do it anymore. I can’t let you ruin everything I’ve worked so hard for.”
Jake’s eyes narrow, the hurt in his features transforming into anger. Exasperated, he throws his hands up in the air.
“Yourlife? What life? You spend all your time slaving away at a job you hate, and then you go home to an apartment that’s a shrine to the past! I’m right here, right now, and I’m not going to let you cut me out of your life just because you’re afraid of getting hurt. I’m not going to let you erase me the way you erased your dad.”
His voice cracks at the end and it makes my tears fall harder than ever. But now they’ve turned hot, boiling up with newfound rage.
“Take that back,” I say through gritted teeth, my voice quavering.
Jake shakes his head, crossing his arms across his chest.
“You think I ruined your life? Well, let me tell you what I think. I think you’ve spent years hanging on to this idea of who you’re supposed to be, and you want someone to blame for the fact that things aren’t going according to the grand life plan you’ve envisioned for yourself. But the problem isn’t me, Lex. It’s you. Because the truth is, you aren’t that person anymore. You haven’t been for a long time.”
Fury buzzes in my ears, my chest rising and falling rapidly. The worst thing of all is that through my anger, a small part of me knows what he’s saying is true. Even so, I can’t do this anymore. Everyone told me that a relationship with Jake would be impossible, and they were right. This is just too hard, too complicated. I need my life to go back to the way it was before he came barreling through it.
“Well, maybe I’m not the person you think I am,” I whisper. “But I’m not the only one who’s changed, Jake. You’re a completely different person than the guy who sang me showtunes in a bar. You’ve gotten swept up by this world, and I barely even recognize the person you’ve become. So let’s stop pretending this was ever going to work, and call it what it really is. Over.”
Through the blur of tears, I see Jake’s face fall, but I tear my gaze away. If I stand there for one more minute, I’m going to lose my nerve, so I pivot on my heel, and start walking toward the train station.
“Lexi, wait.” Jake’s voice trails from behind me, but this time, he doesn’t run after me, and I know that it’s finally, truly over, and that he’ll never be running after me again.
IT’S NEARLY MIDNIGHT WHENI stumble into my dark apartment. I kick off my shoes, not even bothering to line them up on the mat. The first thing that catches my eye when I flick on the lightswitch is the framed photo on my entryway table: me, Jake, and Éponine, our arms wrapped around each other as we posed backstage atLes Mis.I’d stopped crying by the time I crawled into the back of my Uber, my tears hardened to cold anger, and now that anger has risen to the surface, threatening to swallow me whole. Picking up the frame, I hurl it against the wall, reveling in the satisfying crunch of the glass shattering into pieces.
Shuffling to the bathroom, I turn on the bathtub faucet, sinking to my knees as the hot water streams into the tub. I lay my cheek against the cool porcelain tile, listening to the steady hum for several minutes as I wait for the bath to fill. When it’s still empty a few minutes later, I realize I never bothered to push down the drain. The revelation brings a fresh flood of tears as I twist off the faucet and curl up in the fetal position on the bathmat.
I’m not sure how long I lay there, my body wracked with sobs, before I finally manage to drag myself up off the floor. When I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I hardly recognize the face staring back at me. The combination of limp hair, swollen eyes, and ribbons of black mascara makes me look like a character from a horror movie. I pull the gorgeous dress over my head, leaving it in a puddle on the bathroom floor, and walk into my room.
When I yank open my drawer, the white Hanes undershirt on top is Jake’s. Crumbling it in my hand, I think about tossing it into the trash, but ultimately shove it back inside and pull out an old NYU tee. I slide into bed, expecting to spend the rest of the night lying awake. But within minutes, I fall into a deep, dreamless slumber.
MY EYES ARE BURNINGas I squint at the cutting board in front of me. My face is still puffy from crying last night, but I couldn’t muster the energy to put on any makeup this morning. Mia shot me an alarmed glance when I arrived at work, but graciously chose not to say anything. Even Corbin is quiet, neglectingto comment on the fact that I’ve been moving at a sloth’s pace for the past hour.
“Berman.” I look up to see Oren standing in his office door. He’s staring hard at me, his expression unreadable. “Chef wants to see you in his office.”
My stomach drops to the floor. Blowing out an exhale, I lay down my knife and follow Oren to the office.
