“You did great,” she says, her voice hoarse, as if she were the one who’d just spent the last few hours singing the same song over and over again.
“Really?” I ask, hearing how insecure I suddenly sound, even though two minutes ago I was convinced we were good. Really good. But this damn self-doubt doesn’t care; it just pops up without warning.
“I promise.” She reaches for my hand because she knows what I’m thinking, squeezes it briefly, and then lets go. I have to fight the urge to reach for her, to intertwine her fingers with mine, because it feels so wrong not to. “It was even better than I thought it would be,” she says. “You were just incredible—” she breaks off, shaking her head. “Just keep it up, okay?”
I nod because I suddenly don’t know what to say. I hate that it’s so difficult to talk to her now. I have no fucking idea how we’regoing to get back to when it was easy. There are so many things I want to tell her.
I miss you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. I want to be with you all the time. You’re not losing me. Trust me.
I open my mouth to speak, and Rayne looks at me, her eyes gleaming. I swallow, she holds her breath, and I have to say it now, there’s no other way. We’re not friends. We’re more than that. She knows it, and she doesn’t need to be afraid of it.
“Rayne...” I begin, even though it’s the wrong place and time because we’re not alone. That doesn’t matter now. Nothing matters except her and me. “I think—” I break off when a large hand meets my shoulder.
“Shall we continue?” Jax asks cheerfully. The wrong moment, which could have been the right one, is over now. Jax really has terrible timing.
Rayne is the first to find her voice again. “Yeah, keep going. I need to make a quick phone call. I’ll be right back.” She rushes out of the room, not taking her hat or jacket, even though the dress she’s wearing is much too thin for February. I want to follow her, but I can’t move.
Fuck.
“Is everything okay with you two?” Jax asks. There’s a deep crease between his brows. “Did I interrupt something?”
I sigh. “Let’s just get on with it.”
Chapter 30
Rayne
I Can’t Breathe—Bea Miller
I’m not going outside to make a phone call. I’m going outside because I can’t breathe. I don’t know what to do or what I want. I need Mom. I need her to tell me what to do about Easton, to help me with the rest of my damn life. But mostly with Easton.
When he looks at me, I can’t think anymore. My mind just goes blank, and all I can see are his blue eyes and his lips. I want him to pull me close and kiss me.
God, what’s wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why can’t I stop thinking about kissing him? He’s my best friend. I told him that I don’t want more, but I’m still thinking about him all the time. I have to stop, but I can’t. Why can’t I?
My hands tremble as I scroll through the contacts on my phone. I pause when I come to Mom’s name. I never deleted her number, or Dad’s. I want to call her so badly it hurts. The pain is still there, every time my heart beats, but now... in this moment it feels likeit’s going to tear me apart from the inside. The black hole in my chest is trying to devour me, and I’m so close to just letting it.
My whole body trembles. I bite my lower lip until I taste blood to suppress the sobs. I don’t think about it as I tap on her contact, I just do it. I freeze as I hear her voice. Cheerful. Carefree. Alive.
“Hi, this is Laura. I’m not available right now. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you later.”
My heart stands still. One second, two, three. Then it starts beating again, much too fast. I hear a rushing sound in my ears, but it’s her voice, it’s still there. It was there the whole time; I just never called her. I could have heard her, but I never tried.
There’s a beep, and I should hang up.
I must.
But I can’t.
“Mom.” My voice breaks. It’s so wrong, what I’m doing.Hang up. End the call, damn it.“Mom, I don’t know what to do. You always told me what I should do when I couldn’t figure it out. You have to help me. You have to tell me how it feels to be in love, because I have no goddamn clue, okay? I don’t know how it goes, or how you’re supposed to feel, or if it’s normal that I want to kiss my best friend. How does it all work? What should I do, Mom? Am I making a mistake? And if I am, is it when I let him be more than just my best friend, or is it when I don’t? You have to tell me! You know these things! You and Dad... you were perfect! You have to tell me what to do!”
I gasp for air. My throat is tight. God, I have to stop this. Instead, I start walking, continuing down the narrow alley behind the studio. There’s no one else here, but even if there were, I wouldn’t care. I’ve started talking and now I can’t stop.
“You should be here, Mom! You and Dad! You should be herehelping me. But you’re dead, and I have to manage on my own, and I’m so... shit, I’m so angry!” An incredulous laugh escapes me as I suddenly realize that it’s true.
I’m sad. I feel lost. But I’m also angry. So incredibly angry.
“Why did you have to go to that stupid party? Why didn’t you come home earlier? Or later? Why did you have to decide to leave at exactly that time? Why didn’t you drive home the normal way? Why did you take that damn detour? Why, Mom? Why couldn’t you just come back home to me? Why—” I stop when there’s a beep at the other end.
